I just feel like as I'm growing up, Its getting really easy to offend me. Like am I becoming more insecure day by day? I feel like my ego is getting really fragile. It boosts in a sec, it shatters in a sec. It boosts when someone replies me on snap complimenting my physique, or in person too. I feel good when I click a photo with my pumped physique, I keep watching it again and again. Show them to people to earn thier compliments, thier respect. And I literally feel rage inside me when someone degrades me, my physique, my cricket game, my hairs. I dont know, Am I becoming too self-obsessed? one thing also, the intent, It only annoy me when I know the intent of the person its coming from, if its my childhood friends, just getting a laugh out of it, I really enjoy that and feel the opposite i.e feel important, and feel good. I laugh at myself too, but if I realise that it is something coming from the person I dont personally like and it isnt constructive as well. It is just intented to hurt me, Then it really hurts me and thier intentions become success. I wanna disscuss it, I wanna be mature about that, I literally just wanna grow up and become immune to being hurt by someone's joke, someone's intent to hurt me. Guide me. (imma 20 year old boy btw)
Hey man, we can discuss if you like? I want to ask first, if you can see that you are seeking validation from others?
Yess, thats exactly what I'm doing, Story replies, compliments, even really small petty things give me a dopamine spike and I feel good in that moment. Yes I definitely would like to discuss it more.
for example, If I sent a snap and no one replied, or If I posted a story, and no one reacted, It feels a bit disappointing. Especially if there are no responses from people I hoped would respond.
Im sure you can see that this is not a sustainable way to live? But you are only twenty and I sympathies with you because I was the same at your age. The ego can be very destructive.
But I wasnt the same a few years ago. I've changed alot. Maybe because of new people, new friends since I joined university. I dont know but I feel like in these new friends, I havent seen purity. Everyone keeps thier guard onn including me. And I feel like there is alot of toxicity in the group, I think maybe that has something to do with my ego. I always find myself, somehow competing with them, I want them to respect me, I want thier validation. i dont feel like this with my school friends which is the best friends group. Because we already know each other from the beginning. Here, I constantly want to prove myself to them. I dont know if this is just me and everyone else doesnt really care that much. But i do, I dont want to care. How do i not care?
I think the first step here is to delete your social media accounts. Not an easy step if you have invested your self image in it. However the ego will only find other ways to project itself for approval from others. deleting social media only cuts away an avenue to it but it's a big deal and so worth it in the end. Step two is tricky in a university because of all the distractions, but it is part of your education. Self education. You need to learn how to centre yourself. The ego is a very complex web of subtle desires and conditioned habits and seeking validation from others is an example of the destructive nature of the ego, never satisfied and unable to let things be as they are. You want NOT to care, but you need a great deal of care if you want to live freely. I could blab on about the ego and what I believe it to be, but its not going to help here. For now I can only plant a seed "centre yourself"
Stop taking yourself so seriously. Own your flaws and give it back when people are trying to break your balls.
probably the fact is you should search advices from people who know you in first person. Here on forum user's opinion is bias
As I said, I wasnt like this few years ago. I took nothing too personally and just let it be, but now, every tiny thing bothers me. Like if someone said anything, it rages me. Sometimes I give it back to thier face and then my heart just becomes distant from those people. It just feels like a waste of time hanging out with them. But It wasnt like this when I first joined university. They were all so nice, so caring, so loving, I thought that I've found best people, but since the time passed, It all kind of changed, I sensed too much toxicity and I dont know is it maybe because all of them got around so well and maybe I just felt leftout. I dont know. But now I think, maybe, it was all my mistake. I should have known how to be with new people and not just show my every side to everyone. People are too good. They see everything.
My best friend said to me that I am very selfish. And I know that he's not wrong. He knows me. He didnt even try to insult or get on me, he just said that so calmly, to make me realise. But I am too far gone i think? How do I start to become selfless? or atleast not selfish? like what is the test of not being selfish. How do I know?
First, I think that PMO use, can actually develop selfishness. If you think about it, what we do when we use PMO, is look for self gratification. A primary motive for using it is to please ourselves. I believe this can start to become a habit that shows up in other parts of life. You asked how do you learn to be more selfless. That's a pretty complex question. The simple answer is read up on empathy and start trying to implement it. To me that's always seemed so vague that I haven't known what to do with it. Yes, it is an important thing that does need to be learned obviously. There are all sorts of ways to work on being more selfless. But how to actually get better at it, I think it's just like developing any new habit, it takes time, practice, repetition, and a lot of effort. In my experience here on NoFap (and it might seem counterintuitive in terms of selfishness/selflessness). I have been able to work on how I feel, and try to really understand it. For example, when I get triggered or hurt, I instantly get very defensive and selfish. Everything becomes about protecting myself, my ego, my feelings. By being honest about how I feel, I start realizing how it affects how I treat others. Also by thinking about my addiction and how I feel, I'm actually learning to be more understanding of others through it. Instead of ignoring it like I used to and thinking only about myself I am developing an understanding of a more holistic view of my interactions with others. What this has done, is helped me think before I speak or act (sometimes haha). Typically my first instinct is one that is selfish, but if I give myself time process things I'm often able to calibrate my emotions and display more empathy and selflessness than I otherwise would have. Like you, I have a hard time with acceptance, and struggle when I don't get a response that makes me feel accepted, affirmed, etc. It does hurt sometimes when we don't get this if course. What I've learned is that I put a lot of value in others acceptance. The cliche solution people often give is, "you have to learn to find value from within, without others acceptance". Again I've thought what am I supposed to do with this? Through my PMO recovery journey I'm learning to have peace in silence and solitude but it's not that simple in my opinion and I'm still working on that part. A large part of this struggle with acceptance due is to my attachment style. A lot of behaviors people have go all the way back to our childhoods even when we don't realize it. I've recently learned I am have an ambivalent attachment style. There's all sorts of information and tests you can take online to determine what style you are. (I highly suggest looking into this) Ambivalent attachment for example stems from our primary caregiver being there sometimes for us and others absent. I was a middle child. And often my mother was too busy with my younger brothers to care for me, often I was ignored while she tended to them. I didn't realize until now (I'm 34) that this still affects me. It makes me paranoid, looking for affirmation that I'm accepted and loved by others. I actually sometimes actively look for "reasons" someone is either there for me or not, when they aren't, I think... "Hah! I knew it you aren't there for me!" In the child, not knowing when our caregiver will be there or not instills a strong sense of anxiety of security or abandonment, not knowing if the person we need most to help meet our needs will be there or not. This feeling, can follow us into adulthood and has for me. When I don't feel loved, accepted, or cared for. I often get upset, mad, and even throw tantrums and I think this is selfish and people notice it. I think my paranoia and anxiety made me think it was better to get someones attention that way, than be fully ignored which causes pain. This now seems so very silly, yet I realize that's how I feel and react often. Realizing this, I'm starting to come to terms with it. And how I've let it affect myself with how I interact with others. I highly suggest doing some self diagnosis on things like this. As it will really help you out. Not only to become more self aware, but aware of the struggles others have as well. Which definitely helps us be less selfish. Best wishes to you. I hope reading this wasn't just a waste of time!
That was the best thing/advice someone could give me on this. I will have to read this alot more than once to fully understand all the concepts. The thing about this acceptance and affirmation, I realised that I'm not seeking it from "every" person on social media. I'm mostly just seeking it from a particular friend's group. and the ones whom I believe to be toxic. Yeah its good and is a plus when I get compliments from outside this circle but it doesnt make me upset if I dont. But it makes me upset only if I dont get it from these friends. These are the ones that actually don't respect me and I think I'm trying to prove myself to them. They pick on me, they laugh at me, they make me feel unincluded sometimes, sometimes it feels like a stranger hanging around with them. But I still can't just cut them off because they are everywhere. They dont know that I feel like this about them and they dont even care. what to do man?
I share this feeling and impulse with you. I've been wondering, does it have anything to do with my attachment style? I think it may, as due to my ambivalent attachment the primary way I recognize I feel loved is when I feel its presence, or feel the absence of it. For example, I recognize that difference easily, and so I actively go out looking to find it. I honestly think this is a reason I spend so much time trying to prove myself to toxic people. Instead of devoting my time and energy to the great friends I had that weren't toxic. Had I realized this 15 years ago, I would not have wasted my time trying to earn the affection of these toxic people and spent more if it with my best friends and people like them. It's hard to accept that we can't get the feeling that everyone should accept us like we think they should. I think again removing PMO helps in this, as what you actively have to practice doing is let emotions go, and not act out. Similarly we need to let things go in how others accept us, and not react by getting upset. Realizing it's not indicative of value, and be ok with that fact. Easier said than done of course but I think it's a key aspect to coming to grips with this.
Also, this has been a huge key for me, reread posts often. Read things you post, and things others post to you, then come back and do it again. Sometimes it reveals things we don't notice the first time. I think this can be because certain things cause different emotions that affect how we receive something. Practicing that has been very helpful for me.
Its definitely easier said than done. But I'll try and Im trying. maybe they arent that much toxic. maybe I've just overthinked stuff too much I dont know. Because the people who I thought were toxic 5-6 years grew out to be the best friends I can ever have. I feel proud to call them my friends. But even if they are toxic, who cares? I should just stop proving them and just prove myself instead. I've thought about analyzing my sins at the end of the day. As I'm trying to be a better muslim. It feels like the problem is always within. Even with the worst people around, it is us ourselves that let negativity get inside of us. I've been thinking that maybe I wouldnt think of somethings as toxic I were a part of it. Its maybe because I'm jealous of something. Something they share and I cant. but its okayy. We all are different. I'll just try being the best version of myself then.
I think that whether they are toxic or not will reveal itself whether we put lots of effort into the relationship or not. Looking back, some people I didn't actually spend much time with I am now very close with. Others that I tried hard to be accepted by make no effort to be friends. I think that experience for me points out that there is little I can do to actually change this. Instead I need to work on myself as you are suggesting.
yes man. we'll just work on ourselves and we'll attract people who share our interests. Even if we dont. We still will become a better version of ourselves. You seem to know a quite bit about these stuff. It is really nice talking to you. Can I message you if I got something to ask or If I get stuck at something?
Thanks man, I don't know that I know that much I'm just trying hard to figure things out. But absolutely feel free to any time! Based on your posts, it's clear you have the desire to learn more about yourself and how to improve. I think that's a great first step!
