starting today...

Hello everyone
I decided to seriously stop the porn for the second time in my life.

So if you want to know a little bit about my porn-life you can read the following about me (if not skip to the last pragraph):

I come from Spain and since one week I'm 29 years old. I live in another country for 5 years and since one year I live alone (not sharing a flat anymore). I'm studying and working as a programmer, as I've seen, the most common job of the users in the site.

I started consuming porn at the age of 16 I guess, and at that time I was "fapping" abut about once a day i think. I was an average teenager with friends, outgoing and extrovert, although at that time I started having little episodes of light depression, and anxiety possibly due to my parents divorce. I think that this led me to a little isolation at home so I started spending a lot of time at the PC alone. Every night after eating dinner I started surfing the net, chatting with friends, and after it, watching porn after my mother went to sleep. I kept going out on weekends and meeting with friends, so although I had the habit of masturbating that didn't make me change plans, it was still a secondary thing.
So the years passed and I discovered the cam2cam sites. The first one was cam4, i started watching cams there and after a while I started emitting myself. I even added some people I met there to Skype to play cam2cam. I consider myself heterosexual but at that time I even played with man, because it was much easier to find a man than a woman. I was at that time about 18 or so and I did not feel myself an addict, I didn't even thought about it (i was though consuming all kinds of porn).
At the age of 19 I went one year abroad and I had no computer and no urge of looking porn. I started a relationship with a girl which lasted till the end of that year.
Once i came home again, I started again with the porn and the cams and I kept on doing this for some years more, the masturbation became a real habit, I was masturbating 2-3 times a day and some crazy days on weekend that i was alone at home maybe even 4-5 times.
On summer I used to work abroad in campings or hotels with accomodation at the place itself so i had no acces to porn I dealt with it really good, I did not miss porn too much.
Between my 23th and 24th years of my life I was already consuming porn every day, quite depressed and I started for the first time feeling ashamed and aware about the porn consumption habits. I met also once a man and a transexual in real life and had sex with them, nothing bad about them, but I did not tell anyone so at that point I started hiding a part of myself to the others. At that time started growing my "secret" me and the isolation and guilt started getting bigger.
At 25 I left my country and went to Germany (where i still am) to end my bachelor with an exchange program of my university. There I kept on consuming porn on a nearly daily basis although was not a big issue anymore. I had first a relationship with a girl which did not last long (i did consume porn during it) and then I had a longer relationship with another girl which lasted two years.
During the second relationship I explained my porn problem to the girl and I stopped watching porn for half a year maybe, specially cam2cam sites. The side effect is that I started not wanting to have sex with her. It was weird, we were only only having sex at night. Every night i woke up in the middle of the night or so, kinda sleepwalking, had sex and then slept again, sometimes I did not even remember about it. During the day I had really no motivation to have sex. I don't know if someone had a similar problem, that was weird and kept going on for a long time. After a some months more I started watching porn again and masturbating once a day though no cams.

About one year and a half ago we broke up and I went to live by myself feeling stressed, anxious, really depressed and hating the new home. First two months were kinda normal, but then I started again with the cam2cam, the porn and the dating-sex sites. I met three persons from those sites, and I had such a horrible experience with the last one that I decided to stop doing it and delete my profiles on the two sites I was in. This did not kept me out of the cam2cam broadcasting sites. As I have quite a good body I get a lot of compliments, viewers and even monetary tips so I started spending more and more time on them, this weekend alone I spent about 13 hours broadcasting and masturbating! Friday i did masturbate like 5 times (between 7 p.m and 1 a.m.) and yesterday 6 times during all day. Yesterday evening I went out to do some shopping to release myself a little bit and I was walking in the street feeling like a zombie.

I have at the moment no more interest in going out, no interest in meeting friends, I feel anxious with people and I prefer 1000 times staying at home watching porn and broadcasting. I have also sudden urges, I mean for example I wake up on weekend at 9 am convinced to go to the gym, I smoke a cigarrete on the window, I see a girl in the street and get some "rush" in my chest to go masturbate. Then I sit, I open the broadcasting site, start broadcasting and masturbating and suddenly I look at the clock and BAM! 2 p.m. At that point, after 4-5 hours sitting in front of the PC and masturbating, i feel like a guilty, dizzy and like a zombie and I have no power to go out and even less to go to the gym, so I might stand up eat something and think to myself ok I have to go out, at least for a walk. I smoke another cigarrete on the window and after the cigarrete I check the laptop and UPS! even without thinking and wanting it, again watching cams... And this goes on until night....
In the week, before going to sleep, I do broadcast and watch cams for 2 hours minimum. After masturbating one or two times I go to bed thinking "fuck, again two hours of my life wasted". I bring my laptop to the bed to see some serial or documentary to get sleep and I become again the urge of masturbating 9 out of 10 times.

So summarizing my situation is the following:
-I decided to stop my porn consumption and porn-related time spending today.
-I deleted my skype account and installed K9 web protection.
-In the week I spend 2-3 hours a day with porn (mostly broadcasting and watching other cams) and i masturbate 3 times a day.
-At the weeekend I can spend 9 hours a day and masturbate 5-6 times.
-I had no normal sex (me penetrating) for a year now, and I'm scared I can't get hard anymore without porn.
-I feel depressed and anxious, my mind is somewhere else and since a year I feel really shy talking to girls.
-I prefer 1000 times staying at home doing those things than anything else.

P.D.
-During the writing I smoke a cigarrete on the window and became the urge to put porn and masturbate again
-Sorry for the long post, I'll be happy about any feedback from others in the situation.

 

Hi Foxtrot, thnxs to you for reading and for the support!

 

Provided I did masturbate minimum once a day since I was 16 years old and now I'm 29, and couple of times a day most years and other years three I get an average of 2 faps a day.
13*2*365~9500
I masturbated about 9500 times, should I appoint to the guinness book for having the strongest right arm ever?

 

Thanks asfixiated and Johnny. Yeah definetly I'll be hitting the Gym much more often now, just woke up and I feel much more energy, and it's day 1 lol. I think this boost of day 1 it is more a psychological effect but it's nice to have it yeah!