The pain of never being a safe place for her

Hey guys,

I thought I should drop this here since many of you will be able to relate.

LD;DR
Girl and I have been actively getting to know each other. My addictions are a concern to her. I relapsed and told her about it. She's willing to keep going but I feel unworthy and hurt. Worried that I won't be enough.

A few months ago I finally got a handle on my addiction, sure there were struggles but those were between me and myself.

A few months later I met a truly kind hearted genuine girl. Someone who really cares about others, that can connect with me on a different level. She is an absolute gem of a person. Though she has trauma of her own, our connection is very strong. We both know it.

Currently we are working through our own things before dating. We gave ourselves until March to get some things in order. In the meantime were remaining close friends. There's a lot more to the story than that but this is the quick version. The point is its clear we both want the same thing and want to be sure we're set for when we start to date.

Here's where things get painful...

When we first met up to discuss becoming a couple we had a very open talk. She told me about some of her skeletons (which I have no issue with at all) and I told her about mine. Primarily dealing with porn addiction. I'm not a person who can say half truths or leave details out, it just doesn't sit well with me so i told her how i had ventured into some really dark pornography. I even once came across some illegal porn. It only happened once and I was so disgusted that I never went back or would ever even get close to it. Even when I do slip up I make sure it's only "Vanilla porn" and nothing extreme. As always I do the best to recover quickly. I have as many failed safes in place as possible. Sometimes the human element of a fail safe falls through sadly.

That is what happened back in october. I have 2 days of slipping up, only vanila stuff but all the same I messed up. Last night we were talking and she mentioned how the fact that I have this addiction weighs heavily on her. I took that as an opportunity to tell her what had happened.

I explained that while I cannot promise to never relapse again I can promise to always be open and honest with her about it. If something happens I will let her know as soon as possible. I asked if she could promise to be there to support me through it to which she said she cannot make a promise right now. To her (and me) a promise is 100% solid. If she isn't sure she can hold up her end of the promise she won't do it. That being said, she has shown me that she actively works to get to a place where she can make that promise. She just needs time.

That aside she is still willing to get to the dating stage at the time we planned. Its something i am very grateful for but there's still a lot of worry involved for the both of us. On her side she is trying to figure out if she will have the strength to deal with the issues that arise due to this. For me... And this is what I would like your input on... I worry that I won't be able to be good enough. That having to deal with this the rest of my life will always be a weight on our relationship. That i won't have the strength one day and hurt the both of us. I worry deeply that she won't be able to see me as someone who can protect her, as a safe place. I worry that she might hold back for fear of what can happen. I worry I will disappoint her. I feel like a car that's damaged and unable to provide the driver with a fully comfortable experience. That this driver will always worry if something will break.

I know time heals many scars and time will tell but it weighs heavily on me.

Anyways, thats my story.