After running out of options to eliminate my habit of watching porn, I decided to join this community. Sadly, I fell back into this habit only a few days ago. I want to say I was doing well for three months. I know the day I fell back to porn and how it happened. When I was well, I was what I would consider the best version of myself and was a good friend, son, or sibling. Yes, there were up and down days, but in no regard to lust. In other words, porn and lust and masturbation were not anything I struggled with. I occasionally had the temptation to lust that would something come out of the blue, but I would never act on it. I was happy. I would journal and jot down my progress on how I was becoming a better person and how to improve. My self-esteem was well, too. However, the day I fell into porn again, it all felt surreal, as it was just too easy for me to fall for this. It wasn't until after I had watched it and masturbated that I realized that I now felt hopeless, and my entire attitude and mentality changed so suddenly. I tried to keep convincing myself this was not me, yet I was so disgusted with myself, and that same night, I made a mental effort to improve myself and see where I went wrong. The following day, however, I had so much lust in my mind that I was not accustomed to, yet I felt the urges were more potent than usual, and I, with a weakened will, decided to act on it and watched it twice more and masturbated twice more that same morning. It wasn't till that second time that I felt even worse than I had already felt. I searched for self-help on youtube about porn and researched the negative affect to hopefully keep away from watching it. That same day, I decided to go to the sacrament of confession because it always makes me feel better and hopeful that I can start again and give it my all. However, in my mind, I had thought I could tackle this issue and stay away from porn, and I was doing that. I was making progress until a trigger was imposed on me, which I will discuss later. However, the effects of having fallen into that porn in the first place had me thinking erroneous thoughts, which I will say were the devil trying to make me feel bad about myself. Thought such as "something is wrong with you," "you're a porn addict," "people know what you did," and "you're not the same person you used to be." weren't phrases I would hear, but just a summary of how I felt and these would as you can guess affect my self-esteem. These thoughts were constant and would slowly, after 2-3 days of abstention, go away. So that was the first issue, which ended up getting partially resolved; however, now I had another issue that was not common to me and not something I had experience with. It was the fact that I would begin to judge others in my mind at school instead of focusing on my school work or professor. Additionaly, I would find that my passion for cars wouldn't be the same anymore. It felt as if it wasn't genuine and, at times, like a waste of time, which was such an odd feeling because I compared that version of myself with the version of myself only a couple of weeks ago. There is such a drastic difference; previous me would get absorbed in the world of cars and be so passionate about and want to want a way to talk about it; however, that was not the case with the present version. However, having no one to talk to or the need to discuss my emotions with anyone left me to deal with this change in myself on my own. Not to mention another one of my issues was that even though I had confessed my sins, lust, and temptation were present much more. Regarding that trigger that was imposed, I take a film class at my school because it is a requirement, and let me point out that at this point, I am stable and am not concerned with lust or porn. I am improving and progressing with my eyes forward. However, there is still that issue with judging others and not having the focus or optimistic mentality that I used to have, which, at the time, I decided I would have to sustain and try to make slow progress. However, I had done my research on the film we were going to watch, and it had nudity, and yet knowing this, I decided to watch it with the entire class. And that day, my non-existent strong temptation to lust became existent. Again, I assured myself this was not an issue. Do not let it bring you down. "This is normal, and everyone else watched it, and I assure you others probably enjoyed it or lusted." so I went on my day with this new desire to lust; however, I knew if I did not keep occupied, I would most likely fall to sin. So, I kept busy for 2-to three days. Let me make it clear: these days were a battle. I refrained from watching porn and masturbating because I believed that I could make it to the end of the week to confession so that my will would be strengthened. However, I say it was a battle because it seemed as is. Even though I kept fighting to stay busy, lust was getting stronger by the day. This morning, I had given into this sin and relapsed 3-4 times, and that is where I'm currently at. I do have hope for change. However, it makes me sad that I have been dealing with this issue for years and that there are dire consequences for mental health, self-esteem, and relationships. In reality, whenever I am dealing with this sin, I imagine this is just a slight example of what the hell is like. It feels lonely and cold. I do not want to be living in this filth of porn and lust, and masturbation, so I hope joining this forum will help even after having done therapy in the past.
I can relate with your story on so many levels. Binge relapses are the worst and MUST be avoided at all cost. I think you have a high level of self awareness which is a double edged sword. On one hand, it presents the potential of real change as change begins with awareness. However, it can also cause you to dwell in your guilt and overthink. I’m too familiar with that feeling of emptiness. It’s definitely a glimpse of what hell is. Let’s keep our guards up at all times. Remember: all it takes is that 10 seconds of misjudgment for another round trip to hell.
Dude, I honestly needed this. Before joining this forum, I had yet to talk to friends or family about my PMO struggles. Well, I have spoken to them about it, but most of the time, I refrained from going in depth with my struggles. I rarely talk about this matter as I feel they would not understand, and it's not fair for me to ask if they are also struggling with such a matter regarding my friends. This is because some may not feel comfortable sharing what I would consider vulnerable. Also, I'd like to take into my own hands that I must deal with this issue alone, which sometimes feels like a heavy burden. However, this forum will allow me to express the small achievements, such as milestones that I usually keep to myself due to my previous lack of knowing people who also struggle with PMO. Thanks to other people's support, I feel motivated to stay strong and not fall into this issue. Additionally, I am ridden with the erroneous notion that I am the only one dealing with this issue. I want to get rid of this PMO for good as I know this bad habit will only lead me astray, and in reality, there are so many other ways I can occupy my time. There is always something to do; the only thing we have to do is look. There is so much more to life than PMO, and life can be beautiful. Everyone has responsibilities, whether being a good son, sibling, or student, and one must attend to this. Falling to PMO would be an act of selfishness. Please let me know if I am wrong, but how I see it is a letdown to our relationships with those close to us. Yeah, this is something we in the forum struggle with. Still, if we believe in our mindset that leaving PMO will be beneficial to our relationships, that can be a motivation to stay strong because the last thing we want is to destroy a relationship with those close to us. Yes, sometimes the damage is done, but I want to emphasize how there is always hope, even when one hits rock bottom.
That's right bro. People often say their action (PMO) does not hurt anyone. But they fail to understand that it is inaction that is straining relationships. This habit can consume your vigor for life and make you lose interest in pretty much anything else. The damage is very subtle and most men only realize it when something tragic happens to them. The damage may be done, but remember that our brains are malleable. For men, it is widely accepted in science that the prefrontal cortex does not fully mature until about 25. It's never actually too late for a reboot, especially at our age.
It's not easy to open up to people in real life because most men don't prioritize dealing with this issue. They may know that it's bad for them, but since 'everyone is doing it', they don't feel the need to do anything about it and think that the issue will resolve itself once they have a partner (it won't). This community gathers men who are actively trying to overcome this new-age drug. People like you and me.
Thanks dude, this support is really helping me out. The entire night I felt tempted to PMO and if it weren’t for putting all my electronics in a separate room I would have surely PMOd the entire night. This morning I felt tempted once again and wanted to act on that desire but thanks to your comments I feel encouraged to stay strong
Perfect example highlighting the power of the NoFap community. I love reading these exchanges and seeing the hope of members...and members helping members.
