I’m angry with GOD. Forgive me Lord.

I read your note and I offered a prayer for you and I asked Our Lord to tell me how I might help you. My thoughts turned to the way God has worked in my life. I was once desperate to find someone to love me and someone to love. I languished in that state for a few years and then out of the blue Our Lord brought my future wife to me. She was perfect for me although she was not the runway model I dreamed of. She too, dreamed of someone to love her and to love. We soon found we never wanted to be apart from each other and we were married soon afterwards. We are still together after more than 40 years.

I won't bore you with excruciating detail about my long life so I will summarise and tell you that God will answer your prayers. Almost certainly His answer won't be the one you expect because He knows what you need more than you do. Marrying a wonderful person hasn't made my life trouble free although I am eternally grateful for this gift. I have had many other long and difficult struggles but through them all, I prayed to God, to the saints and to Queen of Saints, Mary. Each time, I was delivered from despair but also each time it took longer than I hoped and each time the result was even better than what I had imagined. God hears you. Even when you have doubts, pray anyway. Receive the sacraments and particularly Holy Communion and Reconciliation. Keep your rosary near you and use it often. I will continue to pray for you but you must continue to pray for yourself. God is listening and He has a plan for you but it is His plan on His time scale. Be patient for there is a reason He isn't giving you things immediately.

 

Anybody who has major problems with sexual sins (porn, masturbation, sleeping with women etc) isn't suitable to be a husband or wife. The marital state doesn't rescue sex addicts from their addiction. In reality sex addicts cause their spouses suffer. and it's not only because they don't control their sexual drive but because any addict is very selfish. the more addicted one is and the longer the more selfish they are. And to have a selfish husband is for a wife a life full of everyday problems. Marriage doesn't heal addicts, it's wholly opposite - the addiction kills the marriage gradually.
if a man wants to build a happy relationship with a woman he must first be free from any sex addiction , and other addictions. This job must be made first.
Why should God listen to a prayer of an addicted man for a suitable women (future wife) when He knows that an addict can only make a woman unhappy and ruin the marriage?
Many addicts think that marriage can help them to get out from their addiction. It's a wishful thinking not supported by life stories. What addicts need is a therapy ending up successfully before a marriage.
If so then some could think - most men are PMO addicts nowadays - does it mean that most men aren't suitable for a marriage?
Yes, it does.
Look at the divorce rate or the percentage of mothers with a child but without a man. It's a disaster. And who has counted the number of unhappy marriages?
I had been one of them - an addict thinking that the wife can help me to win over my PMO addiction. The first marriage years were a catastrophe...and of course my addiction continued, this time ruining not only me...

 

Perhaps it is due to the fact that I have wonderful wife, devoted to God and devoted to our marriage. Nevertheless, my pornography addiction began long before I was married and persisted long after. Despite that, I love her dearly and she loves me. We have been together for more than 40 years through many ups and downs.

We are all broken people. The bible is replete with broken people whom God continued to give grace to. I don't condone PMO in any way but waiting until we are perfect to marry, may be a wait that extends our entire lifetime. I suggest that another course of action is confess one's addictions (along with a bone-fide list of actions being undertaken to rehabilitate) to a prospective wife and let her decide if she is willing to go forward.

 

In principle it could be like this but nowadays we would no longer have weddings.

Obviously if a man has the vice of fornication and adultery it is better for him not to marry. As far as addiction to P and M is concerned, in my opinion it might be enough to be aware of the serious problem and start putting remedies. Then the healing could also happen within the marriage.

 

We would have weddings because vast majority don't care. Or children would come to this world because people have them more and more without any wedding because they don't care. What I wrote is only for an insignificat number of Catholics who want to be really prepared for the marriage.

The healing could happen within the marriage but it's IMO really rare as really rare are instances of getting rid of PMO. Beside of this the real problem is not PMO but what is the base, source of it. Enslavement of the whole nature by instincts, whims , egoism etc. The person with such burden is not for the marriage.
Let's compare it with sport. Someone who is not able to lift 70 kilograms in the gym cannot try to lift 100 kg outside of the gym. It simply won't work. He must first do his work in the gym.( before the marriage in this comparision)

 

No one should argue against the goal to rid one's life of PMO before marriage. I fully support this. However, I hasten to add that no one on this earth is free of sin. With the sole exception of our Blessed Mother, the saints were sinners who simply did not give up trying.

I suppose there are degrees of addiction and I qualify my comments with that thought. If you cannot free yourself from PMO several times per day, it is true, you are not yet fit for marriage. If your PMO habit leaves you lusting for sexual contact with women other than your prospective wife, it is true, you are not yet ready for marriage. If you fear there will come a time when another woman could entice you to commit adultery, you are not ready for marriage. Marriage must be a lifelong commitment.

 

You know PMO is a specific sin. I think there has been no saint (officially recognised by the church) who was sexually addicted. If there was one, you could let me know.

And what with other less serious degrees of PMO addiction? Let's say - what about a man who PMOes several times a week or ''only'' several times a month or ''only'' several times a year?
What I mean to say is - even if someone PMOes ''only'' several times a year what would guarantee that in 3 years they won't PMO several times a month and after consecutive 3 years - several times a week etc?
As you know it's a process. Nobody is a full blown addict at the beginning. Even to be on a low level of PMO addiction one lives as if in a mine field. Would you recommend such a mild addict to your granddaughter as her husband in future?

 

The bible is replete with tales of several venerated people who did some pretty horrible things. On at least two occasions Abraham attempted to save his life by claiming Sarah was not his wife. King David famously lusted after Beersheba and orchestrated the death of her husband so he could have her. St. Peter denied Christ three times when challenged by a mere servant girl. St. Paul, was a very efficient murder of Christians and he testified that he was plagued by a temptation even after his conversion. St. Augustine suffered from lustful temptations and numerous counts of adultery before his conversion. Etc. Etc. Etc. God still used these people, broken though they were, to execute His will and we should be of no doubt God does the same with each of us who are broken but willing to do what He may ask of us.

There are no such guarantees. Not for you or me or anyone else. The devil does not sleep and temptation will always be with us. I pray we do not fall but I am not so proud that I would be deeply shocked if it were to happen. At this stage in our lives we are humans with all of our flaws and blemishes, at least I am.

I know that my father kept some pornographic magazines hidden in his room and yet he gave me my Catholic faith and he demonstrated to me the incredible love a husband must have for his wife. He was married to her for over 60 years and they loved each other dearly. In sickness and health, his devotion to her was unbroken and I use it as a example to follow to this day. I never discussed those magazines with him, I am sure he would have been deeply ashamed and remorseful about it. My parents knew the other wasn't perfect but they loved each other anyway. Anyone who values love, would be envious of their relationship despite the flaws.

I believe you to be a very good man yet you have an addiction. If a younger version of yourself wanted to marry my grandaughter, I would whole-heartedly agree. Yes, I would ask you to consider what a sacred vow you were undertaking but I would be encouraging at all times.

I have a fantastic marriage. I don't deserve it but I love my wife dearly and from our marriage have come some wonderful children and grandchildren. Despite my many flaws. God has made something wonderful out of someone who is broken.

No one is perfect. It would be huge mistake to consider ourselves as anything but less than perfect. Of course, we should strive for perfection but I won't hold anyone to that standard, even myself for we would then be bound for disappointment, discouragement and ultimately deep despair. I use perfection as a means to examine my conscience but I am not shocked when I fail to achieve it.

 

Saint Mary of Egypt, Saint Mary Magdalene, and Saint Augustine of Hippo are all specifically mentioned as saints who've lived with the vice of lust, have overcome it with Christ, and who've the Church has deemed to be patrons for those who currently suffer from the vice of lust.

As to the current discussion about marriage and PA, marriage is not a quick fix for addiction and the desire to get married just to have a sexual outlet is a horrible reason to be married. If someone is a PA, then I think it would be wise for them to really discern whether they should proceed with marriage; however, with that said, I believe @CPilot to be correct in that we need to keep clear from a perfectionist mindset. Marriages can survive many challenges and sufferings, none of them will survive dishonesty. If you are a PA and you want to be married, then you need to be honest about your addiction to your potential spouse.

I know most people struggle with this distinction, but porn use is adultery for married men, as per our Lord's own words in Matthew 5:28. Therefore, it would be wise for a PA to abstain from marriage until they've made serious progress in recovery, because to not do so would be to put one's self in a situation where they will be culpable for greater sins.

 

The key words are here - ( they) have overcome ( sexual sins) with Christ.
What I meant was rather if you know a saint who hadn't overcome his sexual sins until his last day on the earth.

You know to consider a vow is not the same as being able to keep it. An 'active' PMO addict is not able to keep his promises , decisions or vows linked to PMO because they are out of control of their will. One day they want to keep their promises but the next day they lose their good will because of their weakness which is simultaneously enslavement. To keep difficult vows one must be free. Addicts are not free.
We must distinquish between 'active' addicts and 'former' addicts. So 'former' addicts ( having now only an
inclination to PMO but not doing it) can of course be saints and good spouses, fathers etc. but I really don't think ' active' addicts ( enslaved now) can be good spouses , fathers etc.
I really think It's impossible until they get rid of PMO. It only may seem they are good husbands or fathers. It's because can a good husband or father watch porn and masturbate on a regular basis?

 

Sure, there may not be any known saints the Church has revealed to have died still a sexual addict, but how many revealed saints have died addicts? I can only think of one, and that was Mark Ji Tianxiang. I think God gave us Mark Ji Tianxiang to show us He, God, found a way for Mark to make it to heaven and if you are faithful like Mark, God will find a way for you to make it as well. The point being is, do you think it would have helped Mark to say "no active addict makes it to heaven"? I get that we're not supposed to commit the sin of presumption of God's mercy, but likewise we aren't called to snatch the hope out of our neighbors' eyes, thus making them despair of God's mercy either.

 

His case was not addiction to sexual sins but to opium. Beside of this the only reson he became a saint was his martyr death for Christ but not his life long unsuccessful fight against opium addiction.

Theoretically could an PMO addict become a saint but it would be only if he died as a martyr. But as far I know there has been no such a saint.

 

I don't know the mind of God so all I wish to say is that this is a good caution. We don't know the hour of our death and so the best advice is to work to have a clean soul and a clean heart.

 

It's interesting that you say this as if Mark's constant determination to never give up his fight against addiction by prayers, mass attendance, and adoration where in no way connected to his sanctity, when the Church clearly highlights these as being proofs of his sanctity and the foundation for how Mark was able to be faithful to the grace to be a martyr for the Faith he loved with all his heart. Furthermore the Church highlights Mark's plight as being a Catholic who lived in an time where not much was known about the effects of opium addiction and what it does to the body and mind. There are serious questions about whether Mark's culpability for his addiction and circumstance rose to the level of a mortal sin. Regardless, Mark feeling there was no way to be cured, prayed for martyrdom and the Lord heard his prayer.

I'm going to quote what Ven Bishop Sheen once said: “When we get to heaven, there will be three surprises. First, there will not be people there whom we fully expected to make it but didn’t. Second, there will be people there whom we did not expect to make it, but did. And third and biggest surprise of all is that we ourselves made it.”

 

I think you have misunderstood what I wrote. You are writing about who can get to heaven and I wrote about who has been publicly recognised by the church a saint. I didn't write here anything about possibility or impossibility of salvation ( getting to heaven). I wrote about if an PMO addict can be a good husband or father and you tried to explain me who can be saved. These are two different topics. Where on this thread I wrote about salvation or who will go to heaven and who won't?

 

I never said you were talking about who does and who does not get in to heaven, I was illustrating the fact that just because you don't know of a specific saint and because the Church hasn't revealed one yet, doesn't mean there isn't one in heaven. There is nothing that says Mark Xi wouldn't have become a saint if he had not been martyred. His red martyrdom however, provides the Church with the assurance that he is a saint.