Hi there

Hi, I am a 31 y.o man who has been trying for a long time to recover and overcome the porn cycle.

I will start a journal soon, in which I will try to get in details on my specific story, but I would like to brief it in here.

I encountered with porn around the age of 10, as I was an extremely curious boy who explored the internet, but also lacked any ability or knowledge to keep distance from these dark parts of the network.

For short time then I was exploring that new content after school at noons, knowing inside myself that something is very wrong with that exploring.

I am not sure why and when exactly that period of time was over but I remember a feel of disgust with the way women were presented on that content. Exaggerated physically, they were looked suffering to me (those were the eyes of such young boy), and I also wasn’t ready to the look of adult woman, especially with the pubic hair.
I also remember the feeling that I hurt (in the sense of doing the opposite action of “holy action”) the values of women.

Few years later I was a teenager having hair problems. And as the perfectionist I am this led to me feeling a lot of hard feelings towards myself.

Since I was determined to discover how I should have been looked (since I was not able to accept my self the way I was. No way) I started to look for that in my classmates. I learned to appreciate and to be curious towards the male body.

Combine my new curiosity (justify by the need to know how should I look) with my denying to see women in pornography and you can understand how I shifted myself to twinks porn.

From that time until these days, that is the only type of porn that was interesting for me, and since the times I discovered the type A studio for that, I was not really looked sideways anymore (except for instagram and tumblr hot guys exploring).

I am not sure if the fact that my porn experience lacks the attribute of exploring new studios/types/etc is unique, but for me it always felt like the fact I am so TIED to that porn is because those two factors (me not being able to watch women in porn + me admiring and worshiping the good looking young guy) were so impactful for me.

I am skipping a lot of the story here, but I would like to terminate with the most astonishing consequence for me.

I am torn down between my long-established attraction to males to the fact that I deeply know that I don’t belong there.
I do not lie to myself- my primary fantasy would be by the type of porn I watching - with males, but since I just do not want to build a family or having relationship with a man I just never went all in.

My gay side is about sex and having fun experiments and just acting wild.

The other side of the problem is that during all those years I was blocked/blocking myself from developing my sense and feelings towards women, and the suspicious that maybe when I am with that woman is like lying to her because my fantasy might be some male is also a major obstacle in my way.

All of that got very long to an introduction post, and much information is still missing. I hope that what I did write is clear .

 

i will continue my story on this thread and will open a journal to record my day to day struggle.

I have finished the last post trying to explain how my struggle with porn prevented me from developing any mature sexual character. I was so eager to see the way I wanted to look alike, and also so eager to see his appearance could please other.

I neglected my real sexual needs, and this led me to a state where I am just unsure about my sexual identity. On one hand, I really am fantasying about the type of porn I am consuming, and it became part of me by all means, but on the other side, As I know the way I developed my homosexual side, and as I know that I am actively preventing myself from trying to develop my heterosexual side (since I feel this as not-honest thing to do while I am attracted to males, and since I fear to disappoint women by that I won’t be interested enough, and also since I am picky in the types of women I like) I have just decide to not decide and not trying, and remained confused and lonely, lacking deep, long lasting relationships

 

It is always amazes me how I can be so loved, successful and admired by people around me, but still being so embarrassed, de-attached from everyone, and to feel deep incompleteness.

I think that at least some of this gap is due to the porn dependency which is not only something I am trying to hide and that I feel ashamed of, but that it is also that it really makes me “too attached to my fantasies” in a way that actually prevents me from trying to achieve some of them somehow.

There is another aspect, since I developed my relationship with the porn I am consuming so much, it is actually something I am going to miss.
It’s ridiculous, but thinking of the persons who I was use to consume their content, who I used to develop my feeling towards, I know that I will be missing them. In some sense I feel like I am attached to them in a way that bridges over the hollow media of mp4 sex videos. It’s perhaps sounds like none sense, but I think I also have to accept my departure from these “old friends”

 

(From here: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/male-body-fitness-ssa.354008/)

Me too, definitely developed my fantasy towards men by my perception towards my perfect myself. Although, I was never bullied (except by my own extreme perfectionism), and even though I hate that my appearance does not reach my standards, the truth is that I am fine, maybe more than that.

In addition, for me, it was never issue of “lack of masculinity” in terms of why I think that this term means, but actually the opposite, I wanted to be young a bit longer, being hairless, more joyful, and to be less serious and responsible. Being so mature - emotionally, intellectually and physically- while being so young was, I think, the trigger for me to worship what I hadn’t at that moment.

For me, young men is the primary fantasy, and I also developed romanticism towards that. It’s not only “admiration of the male body”.
But, whenever I am thinking about it I know that a relationship- profound and long relationship, I would like to have with women.

That fact is so confusing and tough for me because I am torn apart. On one side I have my absolute clear fantasy (that was intensified by porn so much. twinks porn), but in the other there is that side of my, the heterosexual side that I was busy/afraid to explore, but that I feel that still waits for me.

What’s harsh about that is that I am preventing myself from exploring any of the options. I am preventing myself to explore my true feelings towards men because of the usual fear of consensus towards that, because o know that I only looks for short time romanticism and for sex. And I am afraid to reach women since I feel so much dishonest by knowing that my fantasy about men holds me so strong.

So, sadly, I am locked and paralyzed.

A remark about being bisexual- although I am attracted by both sex, this term does not solve my personality riddle

 

Most of the time to men. It seems that there are more men that fit my taste than that women.
I don’t know how to consider myself,
I don’t feel like any of those two labels holds for me, it is just a mess that is going on through my life which I was not able to figure out, and of course that porn made it blurry and confusing all that time. And added a strong side of shame too

 

I want to add my comment from other thread

Me too, definitely developed my fantasy towards men by my perception towards my perfect myself. Although, I was never bullied (except by my own extreme perfectionism), and even though I hate that my appearance does not reach my standards, the truth is that I am fine, maybe more than that.

In addition, for me, it was never issue of “lack of masculinity” in terms of why I think that this term means, but actually the opposite, I wanted to be young a bit longer, being hairless, more joyful, and to be less serious and responsible. Being so mature - emotionally, intellectually and physically- while being so young was, I think, the trigger for me to worship what I hadn’t at that moment.

For me, young men is the primary fantasy, and I also developed romanticism towards that. It’s not only “admiration of the male body”.
But, whenever I am thinking about it I know that a relationship- profound and long relationship, I would like to have with women.

That fact is so confusing and tough for me because I am torn apart. On one side I have my absolute clear fantasy (that was intensified by porn so much. twinks porn), but in the other there is that side of my, the heterosexual side that I was busy/afraid to explore, but that I feel that still waits for me.

What’s harsh about that is that I am preventing myself from exploring any of the options. I am preventing myself to explore my true feelings towards men because of the usual fear of consensus towards that, because o know that I only looks for short time romanticism and for sex. And I am afraid to reach women since I feel so much dishonest by knowing that my fantasy about men holds me so strong.

So, sadly, I am locked and paralyzed.

A remark about being bisexual- although I am attracted by both sex, this term does not solve my personality riddle

 

Hey,


I think that beginning with the last question will be the best approach.


From the moment I was not child anymore, I never truly found my self on any of the social groups I belonged to.


I come from a very diverged area (in terms of people, beliefs, thoughts, emotions, wishes), and through the years I have been in many of those communities in my area- I blended socially, succeeded and was loved in any of these, without trying to imitate anyone or anything like that.


I had friends anywhere.


But, even though that the description above sounds good, at the end, I always felt lonely, with my need to have a heart open towards me, truly open, without any prejudice, with infinite time, with mutual love (not even erotic) was never satisfied.

I won’t make this section too long, but I would say two things:

A. It may be that the last sentence should be rephrased as:

I never let any of the people who were genuinely trying to approach me to succeed.

B. I used to feel that what I am missing is a friendship that is more like a bond, something that is stronger than a friendship, like an equivalent soul inside another person who I can admire and want to be close to (a remark: when I was younger I met such people from time to time, these emotions were mixed with homosexuality and that made it harder to distinguish between that type of feelings and the other)


The above section was written with respect to men, as my environment included mostly men all those years. Since I neglected my need to meet women on a permanent basis all those years, I could only tell simpler things like that I admire woman with strong emotional intellect, and that being handsome (in terms of having high aesthetic beauty) and having a class are extremely important for me.


My problem with women is that it is very hard for me to give a chance. What happens for me with any woman who did not “turn me on” (not necessarily sexually, but also in terms of caught my eyes, heart or mind) is that I am filled with pressure and with feeling of being trapped. I will elaborate in a minute.
Before, I will add that in these situations my gay side always intensifies, like a giant wall that blocks me from giving that connection a chance: I am filled with the need to be with a handsome male, without any rules or any consequences. And then I feel dishonest with respect to the woman that is in front of me who did not receive any fair chance.

For that reason I am trying to avoid any date that is not making me curious or involved on first glance. And it is stupid.


There is another aspect about all of that (which relate to the pressures and trapped feeling I written about before): As I said before, I am a loved and really talented person, but one of my weaknesses regarding that is that I almost did not have any impact towards spending my time with the persons that I want to be with. Through the years I listened to who need to be listened by me, spent time with whoever wanted me to be next to him, a very generous-passive-I am so strong approach which built inside me an actual fear that I can’t/don’t know how to spend time with the person that I love, the people that I need. It also built in me the fear that I don’t know how to terminate relationships, I know just how to neglect them until they are dead.

From this reason I am really trying to avoid hurting females who have the bad luck to try and get to know me.


I will answer the question about society and being publicly gay on another post, it will require me to describe how I view myself and the consequences that I to have from such an experiment


One last remark, everything that I written may seem so thoughtful and convincing and all of that, but I am not denying the option that I am just a weak coward who avoid taking risks to explore my wishes and to spend time with who I feel that I want to be with


Thank you for reading my posts, and for asking these questions

 

Hi,


I will brief a story that I had few years ago.

I need the example, and it will also make this post a bit more interesting I hope.


The social group that I was part of at that time invited a group of young people from another country to us for a 2 weeks travel, I was part of the “locals” that joined the travel.

We had one of the evening hanging out in one of the coolest downtowns at the country, an area that I was not familiar with at that time.

We got off the bus, and a group of 5 girls followed me, expecting that I will lead them to a great evening in that downtown.

Of course I made the impression I knew exactly where it is the best place to go to, and of course I just selected a recommended place from the web and started walking towards there.

Walking and walking, I entered a weird dark street which was not supposed to be there according to the map. I kept my head up, and kept on walking. Then I discovered a huge restricted area in front of my face, it turned out that they were constructing some huge building and that they cut off 70% of the main road to dig in the ground. It was impossible to understand where I really was.

It was an effort to keep on from there, pretending that everything is as expected. One of the girls started to tease me- but she was trying to get close to me during all the day already so it was just another tool for her.

Inside my self- it wasn’t easy to cope with the navigation, because as you understand I did not want to prevent them from having a great evening.

But, I had done that. Somehow the place I were looking after just appeared from nowhere (of course I made it like it should have been there all that time), and then, as I was relieved, and high that it ended up well, I made the decision to enjoy the evening without thinking too much.

So, I let two of the girls to fight over me, the one that was flirting with me all last day, and other one who was trying to do the same but in a less bold way.

The first girl won, we flirted, danced and kissed and so on.

Even though I said that I made the decision to just let it go for some time, I still had some thinking in the back side of my head- do I want to keep going? Do I want to kiss her?, so I kept on flirting and then stepping back. It made me just more desirable by her I think, like if I played hard to get or something. I knew that I can take it to anywhere if I only want to. Anyway all that time, my body was fully in it, it was not even consciously, and it was fun. It did not matter that she is not exactly my type at these hours. Of course my mind did not let myself to go all the way, and I ignored her on the day after to eliminate any chance to develop it further.

To complete that short story with another short story-

One of the group members was a young man who I fell in love at first sight- he was aesthetically appealing, had a bit childish looking. He was intelligent and there was something elegant in the way he spoke and moved. Something unique that I never saw before, like he was dancing and singing when he moved and spoke. Additionally he was gay.

We had some deep chats during those days. Slowly got to know each other.

During the travel we spent the last days being in the same room. We slept in the same bed, having underwear only. I was next to him in those nights, having the dilemma of wanting so much to get close to him, to feel him, but still, on the other side, I felt strongly how I want him to just be my friend, someone that I want to know his opinions on things, to hear his his feeling. I felt that I finally want to open my heart to someone- to him, to finally make myself vulnerable to someone. To try to understand with him what I am writing about here. My conclusion was that I have to resist the urge.

Another motivation to resist the urge was that I feared that it may be that he don’t want to be touched by me, that I don’t want to hurt him.

So there I was, unable to sleep continuously because of those feelings and thoughts, avoiding of make any mistakes. Unsure what to feel or to do. And I did not make any mistakes (sadly?)

When they were leaving, I was surprised when he approached to me and hugged me. I don’t know if he felt the same, but I felt it like a very intimate hug, from the type that feels like you won’t be able to get separated, the type of hugs that makes you feel like one body, legs to face, with the other person.

I tried to keep in touch with him (uncommon for me to try such a thing) because I wanted so much to tell him about myself, to ask him questions, to know him… unfortunately it did not happen.

So what were my feelings towards him? Remembering him arouses me (I regret that I did not try to get him?), but as I tried to tell here, I, somewhere inside myself, decided when I had the real chance to get him, that I want him as a friend.


This became much longer than I thought, so I won’t reflect on my own story, but will just add few notes:

Yes, I think it is more common for me to desire men that I meet. But- I mainly meet men, I actively seek men, and porn intensifies that feeling because that is the type of porn I consume.


Another asterisk is that even it sounds like I want to touch every second men, it is not the case. The type of men I like is very specific, and I don’t have any sexual feelings towards men in general. It is a completely different story regarding the “group of males whom I sexually interested into” though.


Me settings higher standard to women that I set to men is something that of course came to my mind (maybe I set such high standards because I WANT myself to fail with women?) but I don’t know, I neglected the important task of knowing enough women to be sure about that.


Anyway, I guess that most straight men are not too picky about women, no? The natural behavior is to make your genes spread as broad as possible..


I made it too long, I am thankful if you were able to get to this point. Thanks for making me confronting these questions. It is a long time since I spoke/wrote my thoughts

 

I have a problem where I am constantly resting in my head memories in which I almost decided to try and go on for my fantasy (for example, I am constantly repeating in my head the story with the boy from last post, and I imagine thy I am changing my decisions).

I do this because it is fun for me and it arouses me, and it’s like changing the past.

I hate this since it means that I replay 15 years old memories in my head instead of creating s new memories!

When I enter such a cycle of memory-repeating time it usually takes few days, in which I regularly watch porn/ mastrubate at the end of these days


I would love to get free from these memories

 

Porn is like a medium in which I can get close to my fantasy. It offers me to get a little closer to my fantasies, in the price of being stuck in that place exactly- close to my fantasies, but never truly obtain them, never try find these fantasies in the real world.

I also pay the price of guilt and shame. Of self hatred..

Reading here how tough is this struggle for so many people, years by years of trying to overcome, help me realize how determined I should be in order to prevail.

Well, I know in first place how the desire to watch my fantasies forces me to act in certain ways. It will make me bypass any defense or block that I put in the way.

I know in first place how even a short memory that rises in my head or a short negative emotion that i experience can simply lead me to give up on anything for few good minutes of porn.

But that is the problem, isn’t it? If the fantasy one consumes is good, then it does offer some escaping from reality. It does offer some few minutes of good time.

That is what the mind thinks.. but what really happens is that most likely I will enter to a phase of hours, trying to find the exact video to finish to. A phase of hours which most likely afterwards I won’t be satisfied so it will be followed by another phase- immediately or few hours later.
And somewhen then, the feeling of disgust will be strong enough to tell me WHY am I doing this to myself?!
How can I give up my life and my values so easily? How the fuck should I end up with that?

I hate it…

 

I simply hate it… being in a good state, good condition, good streak and then the zombie mode appears.

somewhere in the mind I know I will be losing this time. Then slowly, step by step I am getting closer to consume porn, to re enable instagram.
And after long fight (we should have been avoided. If I know I’m going to lose I need to run away) I drop everything and getting into the fucking cycle again.

I hate that I enjoy it.

 

I want to make myself available to an intimate connection with another person.

Incant put the finger on the moment I have just decided to abstain from intimate contacts with other people. I think it somewhat has to do with my high sensitivity to feelings. I did not want to hurt anyone. But there’s more. I must have been afraid to say what I felt. To get what I wanted.

How could I change this? Even though I want to change that, every time some girl is starting to approach me I develop some inner wall that blocks me from trying to give myself a chance.
I fear rejection? Probably.. but I also fear the irreversibility of connection that I can’t reattach from. That is so stupid