I'm new here. It's about time.

tallpaul · Nov 2, 2015

Hi All,

I'm 48, married, 3 kids & have been addicted to masturbation & porn since I was 13.
I started off at 13 with just fantasies in my head; moved to magazines - whenever I could get my hands on them; the availability of Internet porn moved the game to a whole new level moving through - as the years passed - images to videos.

There have been a few periods of time, here & there, where the opportunity does not present itself - but I'd say I pretty much succumb to my need each & every day. I use it to escape, to distract, procrastinate. It happens at home, at work, travelling. I don't feel that I can control it - it's all pervasive. I feel shame, guilt, regret - a sense of self-hatred that I can't or won't control it. How I've never been caught is beyond belief. How much time I have wasted, how much opportunity to live life that has passed me by, time not spent with my children, things not done, it just fills me with grief. I sit here with tears in my eyes thinking about it.

What it has done to me mentally is impossible to know - I've never lived another way. How it's affected my marriage, worries me. Our sex life is very active, yet I find my porn fantasies intruding into this. I can see how dangerous that can be for my relationship.

I could go on and on. It's the story of what I've allowed myself to become & I hate it.
So, finally, I come here with an rage burning inside me facing up to the fact that this is the life that I lead.

F*** it! F*** it completely !

This is not the way I want to be any longer, I want to change, I want to stop. So - from today - I will strive for 90-days. I simply don't want to be an addict any more & I want my life.

g2stop · Nov 2, 2015

welcome to the beginning of your new life!

Getting clean · Nov 3, 2015

g2stop said: ↑

welcome to the beginning of your new life!
Click to expand...

Hi TallPaul,
Wow. Thanks for sharing your story. I say wow because your P problem mirrors mine in so many ways as does your current state of mind. I to am 48 with 2 kids. One aged 5 and the other 4 months.The voice you use to express where you are in terms of how you feel right now echoes my own voice. The difference is I have just lost my partner of 8 years, the kids and the home. You have decided to do this the right side of the abyss that my life is right now. I hear you say you won't or can't quit p. I found myself saying the same thing to my therapist the other day. I stopped myself in my own tracks as these words left my lips. I decided in that moment that I will. I will allow myself to seek and understand why I escape, distract and procrastinate. I hear deep unresolved anger. Me too. Something old and unresolved here for you. If you want an AP please consider me as an option as this is the first thread I have read that at a deeper level I relate to.
Welcome tallPaul. I am on day 10 of my 90 days hard mode. You are so blessed with what you have. Don't lose it buddy. Dig deep. Choose freedom. Sending a big hug and some love to you in the midst of your battle.
GC.

tallpaul · Nov 3, 2015

Hi Getting clean,
Thanks for your message. I'm sorry to hear of your painful situation. You hear of these things day in & day out, but until you're in the midst of it, the agony can never be appreciated. I'm guessing, maybe like me, it's been a period of introspection of such intensity that it's almost overwhelming. & it doesn't always help much either ! If you want to share more about your situation, happy to listen; if not, that's just fine.

I'm not hard mode - but if you'd like to pair up as AP - yes, let's help each other out.
Don't give me any details, but what part of the world are you in ? I'm in Australia.

You're ten days in, that's good buddy - that's very good for hard-mode.
What strategies are you using to keep it under control ?

TP

Getting clean · Nov 4, 2015

Hi TallPaul,
I live in Ireland now but originally from the UK. The time difference is big but maybe not really an issue. Your probably getting up now. I am just getting my son off to bed.
Yes. The introspection has been overwhelming. The darkest days of my life. I am a text book example of why any guy who is in denial about his habit and what he is gambling with should wake up and smell the coffee. I have been asleep for years. Not really present if you know what I mean. I too have wasted so much time and opportunities to engage with valuable mindfull living appreciating what I had.
In one way it is a good thing that I have come to this point. A real wake up call. Having to finally face up to who I really am is the toughest journey. I have been so selfish and stupid.
Never underestimate the power of denial.
I am getting down to therapy and have been working through the real reasons I did so much porn. P is not the problem. P is the symptom. In the last few months I have finally started getting to grips with why I do P. Starting to get the root of the problem. Unresolved stuff that should have been dealt with 20 years ago.
Well.
That's a bit about where I am. There is more but hopefully there might be a time when the moment is right to share more.

An interesting section to read here on nofap is the section from wives and partners of P addicts. Don't know whether you have read how P is affecting the significant others but it is food for thought, insight and is good to reflect on.
As for strategies, this is an area to work on for me. I am resisting well at the moment. But.... If I don't get some positive exercise in place on a regular basis or sink myself into my hobby or check out the cold shower routine(aaaahhhhhhhhh),soon I could be in for a relapse.
Day 11. God! 90 days without even m is going to be bloody hard work alright.
How has the day been for you? Is your wife the kind of person who could support you if you knew? Do you have a game plan in place? Or are you taking one day at a time?

tallpaul · Nov 5, 2015

Hi GC,

Thanks for the message. Well, I live in Australia, but was also from UK as well.

Facing up to this compulsion has been one of a number of changes arising from considerable self-reflection during what, I guess, many would glibly describe as a mid-life crisis. I've always recognised that this habit has impacted my life - in a bad way - but, as you say, the denial just makes you sweep it aside & carry on.

From my side I do see it very much as a pressure valve or escape from other personal issues - those external to me & those more serious internal ones. In fact, I come to conclude that many so-called external issues are really simply manifestations & results of internal ones.

I was lucky to be pointed to & join a mens support group. It's not targeted at this problem at all, but is simply a space for a bunch of guys to get together and discuss their feelings, fears etc. Just the kind of thing men never do together really. It was all a bit out there & new-age for me at the outset, but I must confess, it's been liberating to be able to bring all the internal crap out & to share it. I've also started meditation for the first time in my life - how soothing that can be surprised me. All & all, lot's of activities I'd dismiss as bollocks a couple of years back I've embraced & they are helping me along.

One blog that I stumbled across, is one that actually led me here. There are some things in here that I've found staggeringly insightful. I'd recommend a read... http://markmanson.net/

I've got a lot of crap going on in my life at the moment, so this is - perhaps surprisingly - a relatively minor issue compared to the others ! At least the distractions keep my mind occupied.
I'm lucky in that this issue hasn't negatively hit my relationship. I kept it well hidden & exist in a more liberally-minded relationship. However, how much of a problem it had become for me wasn't really known to others. We've discussed what I'm doing & that's all good. However, bigger fish to fry elsewhere in our situation.
I've no particular game-plan in place, just one day at a time really. I've a few defensive measures to fall back on if it gets difficult, but how well they shape up remains to be tested.

Keep hanging on in there.

Getting clean · Nov 5, 2015

Hi TP,
Day 12.
I have read a number of posts where folks like me in hard mode go through a number of phases physically and mentally which are tough in different ways. I guess as you can connect with your wife sexually and otherwise so you have an opportunity to get the endorphins and dopamine levels clicking together plus oxytocin with the closeness and sharing. You have an excellent opportunity to get through this reasonably unscathed if you decide to make the most of the opportunity to change. That's a bit of an assumption on my part as I am sure your story and situation is more complex than that.
I think your right. Hard mode is tough. Tougher than I thought it would be. I think perhaps my symptoms at the moment are exacerbated by my external life situation. Only natural I guess.
Yep. I agree. The internal issues do drive the external ones. I am working hard on the internal ones at the mo. Right in the middle of the frey so to speak.
Hope your managing to steer clear of the 'study'.

It was a tough day today in my personal life. I got a letter from the separation mediators saying the process is due to start on December 4th. Am sat with a good pint of Guinness right now to commiserate the situation.
I am glad to hear you're in a more liberally minded relationship. My partner is South African and not at all liberal!
The whole men getting together thing. Yeah. Men are generally pretty crap at doing that. I guess that's why I like nofap. It is a place where it is possible to be open and honest without all the matcho crap getting in the way.
I have been making the effort to practice mindfulness. This is helpful. Strange but helpful. It is hard to just be with these thoughts of mine at times.
Have a good day TP. Hope you are managing to resist.
GC.

tallpaul · Nov 6, 2015

Hi GC,
Good to read yesterday's update. Glad you're continuing to keep striving. Sorry that the rest of life is a bit s**t.
My married life is much more complex and tumultuous than I've described so far - are situations are more similar than you realise.
I've no idea how the financial part of separation will work for you, not to underplay the emotional part that is - by far - tougher. I hope you've got some lines of support be they friends, family or just simply counselling services. The latter are often, I found, easier to open up to & less outside their comfort zone hen you do. I've had my run of psychiatrists & councillors - tried the odd psychic as well (why not!). At the end of the day they can assist you discover the path ahead, recognise the stumbling blocks, but - here's the real pi**er - we're the ones how have to take the steps.

You may find you have times of despair and other times of peace & clarity. Time helps, but it's painful in the meantime.

Doing something to improve yourself helps immeasurably. Whether that's physical, mental, social, whatever. A small piece of new self worth shines like a diamond.

PS. Most the Guinness here tastes like pi**, so I envy you that.

TP

Getting clean · Nov 6, 2015

. Yes. Plenty of sunshine down under but poor Guinness. Oh well. Can't have it all.
Busy day all in all. Just about to head home now. Kinda dread this part of the day. So good to see my son and daughter but the heavy realisations that this situation is numbered in days now breaks my heart.
Thanks for asking. I do have a really good therapist whom I trust. She does steer me back on line when I am at my lowest ebb. Some work colleagues know my home situation and I have been amazed how supportive they have been.
This thread with yourself also helps.
Day 13 and still hard mode. Had a dream that my partner came into the spare room naked last night. Just stood in front of me and looked at me. Nothing happened though. Obviously at the moment deep down this is what I really want.
I am going out tonight. It is a Friday. This the one night I let my hair down a bit and have some craic!
A few hours of light relief.
Hope your keeping away from PMO. Struggling a bit today so I am off on my bike to raise the endorphins.
Hope your doing well in the other areas of your life too.
Keep me posted.
GC.

tallpaul · Nov 9, 2015

Hi GC, Sorry - short break over the weekend - hope your Friday, Saturday & Sunday went OK. All quite fraught here for various reasons, but largely under control! Managing to keep my usual urges & triggers at bay, though I wonder how much of this is due to the meds I'm on - they did indicate reduced sex drive as a side-effect. Can't help but think that's cheating in a way. Taking a few days to reflect upon future job direction. I really fancy doing something new, just don't know what that is yet. Having flown privately I always liked the idea of being a commercial pilot, but my private licence lapsed some years ago now, the cost to get commercial is eye-watering & - lastly - I'm a bit long in the tooth. So maybe shelf-stacking or trolley-collecting may be my destiny Hope your bike riding is going well. It's warming up a bit here now, should be 37 by Friday. So exercise in that heat can be a little dangerous. A couple of years back I keeled over on a bike path for just that reason. Had run out of water on return leg of ride. Came around & dragged myself the few metres into the ocean to cool off. An uncomfortable lesson.
TP

Getting clean · Nov 9, 2015

Hey TallPaul,
Thanks for the update. I get the busy weekend stuff.
Well. Got out on the bike twice followed by cold showers. Have to say that it is invigorating and temporarily lifts my spirits. Knackered though. I was on two night shifts back to back with my daughter who has a bad cold. Almost waking anywhere between 10 to 20 mins at times then may sleep for an hour.
37degrees! We are at 12 degree's and 36 hours of howling wind and driving rain!
I am on meds too. Citalopram. It used to knock my libido out too but not now. I don't think it is cheating at all. Every little helps.
Staying clean and strong here. All computers are now blocked from anything remotely porn related. This is day 16.
Had a really good experience over the weekend where I seriously wanted sex. A good if frustrating feeling but a pointer in the right direction non the less.
Enjoy your few days of reflection. I do know how testing it can be at this time. Great opportunity though. Sounds exciting too at one level.
I didn't know supermarkets did flying trolleys!
Glad to hear your holding in there. Keep the faith. Don't tempted by the shiny palm and her five sisters....
GC

tallpaul · Nov 9, 2015

Hi GC. Good to hear from you again. You can't beat a sleepless night can you, set's you up for a great day Have read up more about my meds & decided to come off them. Was only starting &, frankly, already felt like a bit of a numbed zombie - couldn't think straight; feelings were absent; hardly felt anything - most weird. Reading up on them it says it takes up to a couple of weeks before they start having an effect, plus you need to be on them for about a year & coming off has some side-effects. So bugger all that! Didn't take them today & already feel more alive.
Glad you are keeping clean & I understand that taking deliberate measures like blockers and suchlike are helpful. It's strange trying to outwit oneself
Starting to accept the work situation, just considering what-next. I have no doubt it'll be the best thing that's happened to me for a while. Forcing me to make changes I've been too lazy/scared to do beforehand.
Oh, before I forget, I like consider myself a ten sisters man. haha.
TP

Getting clean · Nov 11, 2015

Hi TP,
So, do you have very small hands then? hee hee
Well. No news is good news so to speak. Not back into old habits. Had some bloody tough moments though! Keep getting porn flashbacks! One image in particular.
Yeah. The meds thing is a bit of quandary. The paradoxical effect is a bit of concern. I went on them four years ago. I found out at that stage that my partner has BPD. She was self harming and getting counselling for suicide ideation and off work for 6 months. The stress of that situation was overwhelming. I was also fighting with the unions to keep my job. Following this I started drinking a little too often. First time in my life really. I didn't need the AA or anything, just hitting the red wine hard, mostly. So stress and depression hit me hard. Our relationship never really recovered.

Still on the bike. Started doing press ups. Just keeping on really.
Thanks for your update. Hope your doing ok.
GC.

tallpaul · Nov 12, 2015

Hi GC,
Glad you're hanging on in there.
Stress of surrounding life issues is getting to me more than this subject matter at the moment. Looks as if I may be moving out soon as well. It's my doing. I don't know for certain whether I'm finally facing up to issues that have been ongoing for years, or whether throwing it all away is insanity. We're all very dignified and grown-up about it, but it still hurts & I've never felt so scared. Not sure how to tell my boys. Not sure how I'll deal with the absence of a life-partner of 30 years. Not sure what life will hold. Have moments of extreme low vs. those of near normality. Phew.

Getting clean · Nov 12, 2015

TP,
My heart goes out to you. I dont know exactly how you feel at the moment but I am going tbrough a rake of emotions and moods, feelings and fears, regrets and grief. All kicking in at different times. I am like a cork tossed around on a stormy ocean. Really. I am so sorry to hear that.
I am lost for words really. Is this a joint decision?
I hope you have good support in place for you. Good friends I hope? I f you need to get a good rant going or get stuff off your chest, just message me here.
Not that this is really relevant right now but I am on day 18 and holding fast.
Sending some good vibes.
GC.

Getting clean · Nov 15, 2015

Hey TP.
Just checking in to say Hi and I hope you're doing ok all things considered. Indeed, you have more important issues on your plate right now. It is fine with me if you are caught up in far more important concerns than nofap and being an AP with me.
I want to send my warm regards and my best wishes for your relationship with your wife.
Most of all, look after yourself and I hope your getting some good support right now.
GC.

tallpaul · Nov 16, 2015

Hi GC, thanks for your replies. I'm typing this in from my phone, so apologies that it's brief. Hope you are doing OK to. I'll be offline for most of this week as am heading off to a retreat to get my head in order. No WiFi as far as I know. It'll test my restraint no doubt, so hopefully I can come back with good news. Glad to see that your day count continues to rise, I hope it remains so. No doubt you're enjoying the Guinness, in moderation in sure. Take care mate. Tp

tallpaul · Nov 25, 2015

Hi GC. F***ed up. Back to day zero. Hope you're doing OK.

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