PMO ruined my (need) relationship! What I learned..

That's what we're here for man. You do need to move on. Love is a hard drug to get over, it's never easy, but she's moved on (and if she hasn't replied in 3 years, she either changed her number or blocked yours, so you should start by deleting that from your phone), and you need to move on too.

But you need to not only forget about this lost love, you need to put everything in your past behind you to move forward. You have to start by forgiving yourself. There are thousands of us here, and millions of guys around the world going through the same problem. We're all human, there's nothing weird about you, or wrong with you. You made mistakes, we all made mistakes. Each person is more than just a sum of our past experiences. Each person is better than the worst thing they've ever done. Go immediately to a mirror, look yourself in the eye, and say "I forgive you". It's never too late to make a fresh start, never.

45 day streak is awesome, that is not easy! Good job! You should be proud that you accomplished that. It's ok if you slipped and gave into temptation, we are not perfect. Next time if you make a mistake, don't feel down, don't focus on your failure. Go to that mirror, and forgive yourself. We all need love, and we all seek connection, but we need to love and accept ourselves first.

Good luck!

 

What you need to start doing is improving yourself. Three years is a long time to be stuck in a hole lamenting the loss of your relationship. There is a whole section of this forum related to self improvement. I suggest having a look there. I also suggest checking out what I have written in this thread, particularly under the "action plan" section.

I say this because I was in a similar position to where you are now. Although I haven't lost a relationship (I've never had one to start with), PMO also gave me very low self esteem, even if half the time I didn't realise it. I just thought life was like that, ie a bit shit... However, after I hit my own rock bottom in terms of rebooting, I realised that I would need to completely transform myself if I was to rid myself of my addiction. The trick is to start taking up healthy habits, that eventually- you will get better at and that will boost your self esteem, ie it will give you something to be proud of yourself for.

Clearly, you also need to up your game when it comes to your studies. You need to get into the mindset that you must work hard if you want to succeed at your goals. This is effectively your whole life that's on the line here (as you mentioned). This is your career, your ability to provide for yourself. I hope this can be a turning point for you in turning your life around. I believe this video sums it up (skip the first minute).

Also, congrats on 45 days! That's an awesome start. It is unfortunate about the binge, but entirely understandable and not the end of the world. What you learnt in your initial 45 day streak should give you an indication of what is ahead. Additionally, your self improvement activities will make it easier for you to stay clean from PMO. We often relapse when we feel weak or bad about ourselves. So the trick is to try to eliminate that possibility of feeling useless/ hopeless all the time. Good luck.

 

Um okay. Well, the message that he is trying to convey is that a person has to work hard if they are to achieve their goals.

 

@Buddhist Athlete, sorry to hear that your relationship didn't work as you wanted. I had a similar experience with an exfriend of mine.I meet her at work and, she was supportive and very understanding of my quirks at first. Then, as the time passed by and our relationship improved, she confessed to me that she had never forgiven me for being selfish (I wasn't even beginning NoFap at that time so I was probably not enjoyable to be with). Basically, the friendship ended as soon as I moved to another job. We lost contact at that moment because I had the feeling that I was being pitied instead of cared for.

Looking back, I realize I was being dependant on someone else instead of working on myself. I admit having a person who allows you to use it as a clutch is very comfortable, and my point is that you have to work on yourself before looking at a relationship. Sure, I wish I had realize it without the painful lesson, but indeed it was meant to happen sooner or later.

Finally, about the self-esteem and the little motivation to continue with your studies, I can only suggest to hang in there. Some days you will be motivated to do anything, some days not so much, but you have keep the good habits: exercise even if you don't feel like it, try to read and find an interesting idea, etc.