Dear my fellow fapstronauts. This is my first thread ever here. If you have 12 minutes 4 seconds to read (according to speechwordcount.com, voice over, fast reading mode), that’s the amount of time you might need to read this. And I really appreciate it if you do. I'm not an English native speaker, I squeeze my brain struggling with vocabulary, doing the best not to screw the grammar, and finally, here is my story. I don't remember when is the first time I've heard about Nofap. Can't help with my current foggy brain. My reaction during my first visit to the website, would only be: "What is NoFap?" "Oh, nice," and, "Someday I'll join." That first impression slipped through my brain, I decided not to do anything at the time, because to do that requires a huge commitment. Actually, it would have been easier if not involved in this from the first time, but what happened is quite the opposite. The time pass by untill one week ago, I decided to join NoFap.org, I’ve create a Reddit account: rsym88, and subscribed to the subreddit /r/NoFap at the same time. Then I have a problem. A problem that took me a while for me even to decide writing this post. I must put this project on hold. This is too scary. It would takes a lot from me. I'm not perfect enough for even considering this. "I'M NOT READY." The thought of not doing things I used to do in the past ten years, (in which those things,even had done terrible things to my life, have provided me with security), really frighten me. I'm afraid to start doing this. This is my 'sanctuary' we are talking about. A place where I could escape. A place where I could thrust my anger. A place where I could deny my insecurity. I know those things were screwing me. Made my most days with at the low level if not the lowest. But I was too scared to bid farewell with those things. How could I? The first time I fapped, is when I'm about 15 years old. At that time, I vowed to myself that it would be the last time ever. It would be a disservice to my God, my religion, my family, and all that I loved. Thats what I thought. But then I did it again. I said one last time. Then, that one more last time, turn into another one last time, And then another one more time, and more, more, more, and more. Untill 10 years now. Amazing how you could do something consistently for 10 years … I harshly criticized my self everytime I’ve done it. Sometimes, cursing it. Or try to ignore it. I guess everyone were doing it. Why should I care? I wish it could be that easy to stop that … But the reality it isn’t. Deep in your heart, you know that something went wrong. You could be ignorant for a while. A year or two, or three, but deep inside, you always have that feeling that something went wrong. And you need to stop that. Let alone, during those years, I saw so many chance slipped by. Part of them was because my incompetence. But I'm really convinced that my fapping habit were also took part of it. It’s a long story. I also have low self-confidence. I tried to encounter this. Even when i've learned public speaking, Read the self help stuff, body language, psychology, eye-to-eye contact, etc, I must admit that It worked: but it works on the outside. If you see me, you will thought that I'm confident. But deep inside, I know that i'm faking it. Fake or not, it doesn't matter anymore, because everytime I face others, it feels like I’m were hiding something from everyone. To make matter worse, I don't do daily exercise. Even when I'm doing it, my usual low stamina make me relapsed (literally), ended up sleeping almost the whole day. My normal day will be depressed, supressed inside, feeling exhausted physically and emotionally. And there is another time, when things go rough, fapping is where I ended up 'solving' things. A vicious circle I’ve through between struggling and relapsing. That’s what I’ve been through for this long. Now, I’m 26 years old and writing this. Only 5 days after my birthday. What it seems to be a farewell letter to my old ‘cracking’ habit. Though is not a perfect farewell letter, and won’t ever be perfect, as I’m writing this, I still emotionally cling to those habit, unable to let it go … However, I want to regain my life. I want to reboot my brain. Reclaiming my shattered pieces. And to say to my old friend a farewell. Now, that I’ve wrote this far, and makes you suffering with this long read, I have nowhere to step back … This my farewell letter, my war declaration, and maybe future declaration of independence … P.S> Bear with me a little longer … *** Dear my old sanctuary … We’ve been friend for this past 10 years … You offered me sanctuary, For my fragile self to have a shelter At first you offer me friendship, When I’m feeling lonely not deserving live At earlier days, nothing but heavenly From you i got so many novel stories, it fascinated me, numb my mind, and lifted all my burden. Then I grew up, With new responsibility, And all manly things, with many opportunities I see live more then a well, I see how sea could be vast it be I began to see that I can live independently… But then my ship got crashed … I went back to your shelter Angry, and crying like a baby. What I’ve told you before, you said. The world is harsh Its dark, its cruel, and too dangerous Its unsafe for me, that’s what you told me I believe you and once again I’m staying at your shelter. But having seen the real live, I then realized, Its not all dark, its not all cruel, Yes sometimes its dangerous, But its not all that? I want to go out and back to the sea I told you, but you snap me, yellng at me .. Don’t you ever think about that! You said. This time I resisted, Out of nowhere, my chest outburst. I don’t want to live like this forever! I shouted. Then, somehow, you got me locked in a room, where I’m unable to escape, ‘The jail of misery.’ Where I usually pittying myself, Cursing myself, or just angry. In my silence, I recalled, This is not the first time you locked me like this. This is not the first time you snap me like that It’ve been hundred or thousand times And you always saying the same unsafe world where I can’t make it without you … I’ve been tricked! That’s not true! Enough is enough, Even my stupidity has a limit. I don’t want to stay like this here for the rest of my life With all my scattered piece, I regain my power to break the door of self-pittying, Pushing my last left willpower, Decided too escape, Then I see, I’m not the only one trapped, In the tiny locked shelter room, That once I called “My Sanctuary”… I only look back, once … And then I ran … Where from distant, I heard you calling me … And yelling at me … Calling me back … But turns out to be a curse … That I won’t make it … Its useless … Everybody doing it … That I would fail … Not only once, but over, and over again, Only to ended up begging in front of your door … Asking to coming in… And sedating myself to the death ,,, I stopped running. Out of nowhere, a little courage made me talk. Thanks but no thanks my old friend … You’ve been my friend this past ten years … But, enough … I won’t be tricked again … The next time we met, It would be a bout … But not only that, It will be a WAR! My words echoed through the air. Silence, for a moment. And then you laugh. Cynically. That mocking laughter became louder. And then you said, what war are you trying to say? I’m your master! And you were mine! Okay, if its war that you ask, I’ll give you the hell of a war. Suddenly you stop your laughter, then say: You sure that’s what you ask? I looked straight to your eye. But then I looked down. Doubting for a moment. Maybe you were right. I am muttering. Who am I declaring this war? Who am I who has failed a thousand times to make such a bold statement? I am a failure. I don’t have a perfect start. I don’t deserve whatever start. When I’m about to step back. Then I saw it. I saw many people coming from many age, Coming towards your opened shelter. Walking slowly, lifeless, like a zombie. “Come to your master . . .” You said. I took a step. “That’s right.” And another step. “I won’t harmed you.” But my conscience comes back. Stop it already, I said. “What?” you said. Stop your lies!!! I said. “What do you mean?” you said. Now I know one thing for sure. I said. “What is it?”, you said. YOU ARE NOT MY MASTER! I shouted. YES, I AM DECLARING FOR WAR! I DON’T CARE OF HOW MANY DEFEAT! IT WON’T AFFECT MY WILL TO DEFEAT YOU ONCE AND FOREVER! EVEN IF IT’S A TEN THOUSAND DAY WAR, LET IT BE! One of the zombie got tripped. But with all of his might, and willpower that left, He crawls toward the door … When about to reach the veranda, You stomped him right in the head, You opened your arm and shouted: “I am their master!” And said: “This is what will happened too you… I warned you …” You said while pointing your finger at me. Then you turned your back to the shelter. With all the mindless zombie entered. In the silence, After the closed door, I never taste a freedom like this, I happened to know, this is it. This it the time. The timing that perfect enough to say, “Well my friend, I guess it’s a farewell …” “Next time we meet, it will be on the Battlefield …” -rsym88
Rsym88, thank you for your post, you have a great gift of capturing all these emotions, the feeling of attachment and a safe place, dependence, betrayal and defeat. We're the same age and I believe we've had some similar experiences. Man, reading it almost made me cry. Keep it up and never surrender, no matter how many times you fail! About low self-esteem, you said you believe in God. For me, a great discovery was that God didn't create any failures and I'm not a failure as well. What is more, the struggle you have now and ask why it happens to me - that is what makes you a warrior, makes you value the true you, the you that God designed you to be. I've had some temptations tonight but I came here and you reignited my rage agains the devil who tempted me to enter his shithouse of a shelter. Thank you again, it's good to have you here
Hi Chase, What a relieve, now i realized that the part of this addiction is that i've been too harsh to myself. A simple kind words from you have been a great reminder what this is all about, to free ourselves from PMO-ing, and all emotional root problem that come with and because of it. Thanks for your very useful input, the counter, and also for Fiverr (as soon as i read your post, i got myself signed in there). Its really valuable and I appreciate it. I am looking forward to join the challenge with fellow fapstronauts...
Dear my friend from Poland, I'm really grateful that the words has a meaning for someone else. I'm trying my best when writing this, to wrote it down and get it all out of my mind, everything related to my chronic problem that has been long become a burden. By doing so, maybe someday, when i'm about to give up, and read again those letter and those farewell, I'd be surprised by my own message in the past. Thats because we tend to be forgetful. Without a reminder, we lose all of our reason, the thing that motivate us, and the willpower to keep up, all at once. What i've wrote is intended to be for myself, but to have your feedback, I feel honored and wish you the best.
