Im a closet addict, have been since I was bullied in grade school and discovered PMO was a good way to escape and get that much needed feeling of belonging (however brief it may be). I never thought it affected me, but looking back I guess it was part of the reason I had low confidence and was nervous around girls. I was never like that prior to my addiction, so I really see now how much PMO drained my personality and made me a shell of who I was. My addiction only progressed from there leading me to need more hardcore porn to peak my interest; even began watching gay porn despite feeling gross afterwards, but that feeling of despise also faded as my cravings evolved. Though as I said I was a closet addict. To the outside world I was normal. Did well in university still had the fairly occasional hook up and descent at talking to girls once the ice was broken. But all the while I acted through a guise because who I was inside was drained away and all I had was the fake persona I created to mask how empty I felt. Pretending to be someone else led to constantly asking the question "who am I?" and subsequently a deep depressions set in and PMO was there to comfort me, so the obsession grew and ramped up my risky behaviors. By day, I was the kinda weird, kinda charming, successful uni student. At I was the porn addicted recreational drug user who would go to the bar, get drunk, do some lines and scurry home to jerk off. It was around the time I developed an unhealthy interest in transwoman porn that I began to see I had a problem....Thus began my 3 year quest to quit. I come to you guys now for support because I admit now I can no longer do this on my own. I spent the first 2 years denying and relapsing like it was my day job. Luckily I've done ok for myself and still remain a closet addict. I have a good job and an amazing girlfriend and the past year I've just accepted it was part of my life since it didn't have any adverse affects. But after some recent incidences where it reared its head in my relationship, the final barrier of my denial fell, and I need help.
@Xero06, I am SO proud of you for being here and doing the tough job of facing up to this addiction. This addiction goes deep, its not just in your head... its in the culture around us, the messages we get about women, and not to mention the multi-billion dollar P industry which is trying its best to exploit a biological loophole and keep us all hooked to this cognitive crack cocaine. This hole you feel, it is temporary. It is definitely temporary, I guarantee it. It is a part of you that feels like it is dying inside. A part of you that has become "habituated" to using PMO as a way to get the chemicals you are not getting from the outside world into your head. As you stay strong and avoid PMO, you will naturally and organically begin to seek and discover new, positive, generous, meaningful ways to get that same feeling. It may be exercise, business, painting, contemplative studies... There is a UNIVERSE outside that hole you are in, but you will never get out by digging your self deeper. Every minute you spend avoiding PMO, your brain is slowly rewiring itself back to baseline. Stay focused on the positive things you CAN do. It may feel lazy or strange at first, but before you know it, bit by bit, a new routine will begin to emerge in your life that will surprise you, and that too will be only the start... And don't let any body tell you what is possible or not. Remember that a large % of all males are PMO addicts, and so when you start blowing past these barriers, be very careful of who you trust about "what is possible or not". I do not know you, but for taking this step, on behalf of yourself, on behalf of the female gender you will be more respectful of, on behalf of your girlfriend you will be more present and loving towards, your family you will able to participate more deeply with, and the society that you will be able to contribute more generously, THANK YOU for taking this step. You are suffering, but that suffering is the first step of forging a diamond.
Thank you so much for your reply. I've read it a few times over the past couple days when I needed reassurance. Day 3 I felt incredible but that has since been replace with an empty feeling and devoid of strong emotions. Day 7. One more day and it will be the longest I've ever abstained.
Hey @Xero06 , day 7, thats a huge deal! You have made some really massive steps towards changing how you respond to your own internal triggers. No matter what happens, you have already given yourself a great foundation to continue your recovery. Hope you have a nice day, and consider starting a recovery log to track whats working for you or not
Grats m8. I know it's hard, I'm in the same situation as you are. I was bullied too at school!!! Now I work hard to get rid of that bad habit that is consuming P material. Also, I'm clearing my mind of the objectivation of women.
