Hi guys... Newbie here so I am sorry if this has been discussed a thousand times already, but I wanted to see what your opinions would be on a few things. A previous relationship of mine ended (partly) because of my PMO and sexual habits, after I tried to open up to my then partner of 5 years due to continuously feeling incredibly low and worthless after everything I'd done - to myself and to her. I won't go into details, but it's safe to say she did not take it well (which I do not blame her for at all - I had just admitted to being some kind of sexual deviant and serial online cheater). I'm now starting out in a new relationship with someone who I actually met because we both suffer from anxiety and depression (although she doesn't know the full causes of mine - I have been truthful about all other contributing factors aside from PMO/sex), so we have both had to be open and honest from the word go, which has made me think that perhaps she will be more understanding if I tell her about everything on this side of the fence. What do you think? I feel as though maybe it is better to be completely honest and accept the consequences, rather than continuing to lie about / hide my problems and the things I have done (and to a certain extent, am still doing), although I really feel as though I have a chance with this relationship, and want to try to make things stronger as I begin to work through my problems. Thanks in advance for any advice you can give
Sorry for being the one to reply again but I am just online and ready to chat here now. 1. It could help you to be accountable to tell her 2. How much should you tell her 3. Does the past matter that much 4. We do need to be accountable in the present or it will mess up our lives 5. Getting into a long term relationship with someone who has depression will be challenging They are some of my thoughts.
What are your goals for the relationship? First thing I was told talking to counselor friend. Never use your spouse for accountability partner. BAD IDEA. It's good to share with them that it is a struggle for you. But have a human buddy in real life to stand with you. Let significant other know you are fighting this when you are strong enough to help them to deal with the identity issues that it can cause them. If they are spouse. If not probably best to share once you decide you want to pursue a deep friendship. While they don't need to know about your latest binge on fill in the blank. They may be able to provide you with emotional and other support and insights into your battle from a fresh set of eyes.
Hi guys, thanks for the replies. I don't think I would want her to take on the role of being my 'partner' in trying to get through this - as you said, that probably isn't a good idea - I just feel like if I am starting a new relationship, I want it to be on a blank slate, with no secrets or hidden thoughts or agendas. Every other relationship I've had has been based on secrecy and denial on my part, and it has caused so much pain and anxiety that I want this one to be different. I've already opened up to her more than I have with anyone else, so if I share all of this too, everything will be out there in the open, with no more hiding places for my 'other self' and the associated negativity and deceit. At the moment I'd say I am 70/30 in favour of her being understanding, after hearing what I have to tell her, but 30% is still a big enough amount to make me very fearful of her leaving me (and who could blame her?!). Thanks again.
Sometimes sharing a little gets you a very transparent healthy connection that wouldn't have been possible otherwise. Some times it sends folks running for the hills. Maybe see how she fills about other folks struggle with other addictive issues. If she's compassionate about them she's more likely to be healthy enough to stand with you.
Tell the truth. Of you can't do that then you're not ready for a relationship. If she can't handle it, she's not ready for a relationship. Relashipnships are based on honest comunication. Start off hiding things, it will only get worse over the years. Most people don't like being lied to or having things kept from them. You can't build trust if you won't share things about yourself.
I agree with DireMerl, but I would add that telling the truth does not mean disclosing every single detail. Revealing too much can also be counterproductive. It can have unintended effects... I speak from my own personal experience. I am glad I told my wife... But I spoke too much, revealed too much and that generated unnecessary pain. The best thing we can do is not to tell the truth about the past, but to live a life of integrity in the present, consistently, so that we never have to lie or hide anything ever again.
Yes. I don't mean to say you have to overshare. Telling her she looks hideous in her dress or that you have a intense addiction to clown porn isn't necessary. Giving a general idea about your problem is sharing a built connection. But as WOTL says, you don't have to share every tiny little detail about everything ever.
I asked my boyfriend what type of porn he watched about 5/weeks into his no PMO. He said everything you can imagine. I said what kind? He said he'd rather not say. I asked why? He said because he was embarrassed and it was enough to say it was disgusting and bad. I didn't push and I'm okay with not knowing. The important thing is he stopped doing it. In a way I'm glad I don't know every dirty detail. I know enough!
Unfortunately I've seen what my husband has been watching. I suppose for me, it doesn't really matter what he was watching. Its all pretty gross. I suppose if the had been something really outlandish it might have made things worse. But in my opinion, watching any of it is an insult. Whatever kind, he would still rather look at something fake and nasty than be with me.
I haven't read any of the other comments on here, so forgive me if I'm repeating advice, but I say tell her!!!! My husband actually told me about his PMO problems before we were even technically dating. I respected him greatly for that, because it gave me an opportunity to think and decide if that was still a relationship I wanted to pursue. I know you would hope she would still want to be with you, but at the same time, isn't it more respectful to tell her these things up front so she has the option of saying no before either of you gets too emotionally invested? I'm a big believer in getting all your "deal breakers" and big secrets out immediately. They're going to come out eventually, so wouldn't it be best to get that over with now? Because what happens when (if) you fall crazy in love and are together for years and THEN she finds out and dumps you. Wouldn't that be so much more heartbreaking than having it potentially end now? If you see this person being someone you want to have a lasting future with, this news is going to have to come out at some point. The longer you wait, the harder it will be for her to forgive and accept. Trust me on that. It won't even be about PMO anymore... it will be about the fact that she feels hurt and betrayed and like you've been lying to her for years and keeping some big secret. That stings more than PMO. Example of this: I was totally supportive of my husband's (fiance at the time) PMO issues and willing to work with him and accepting of his momentary failures UNTIL the day he told me that he had been PMOing for a month without telling me. Since he hadn't told me about a relapse, I assumed he was clean, because he had promised to tell me those things. That admission almost ended our engagement. It came very very close to being the end, for me, and it didn't have one single thing to do with him being a PMO addict. It was because he lied to me for an entire month... looking back on that month, every happy, good moment, just made me sad, because I wondered how he could be feeling love and joy with me and keeping this huge secret? Anyway... just my two cents. PMO also flourishes in secrecy and privacy, so by telling someone you care about, you're setting yourself up for better success.
Also... Not to perpetuate stereo types... But shes probably not going to be shocked to hear that you watch porn. What she will be shocked about, most likely, is that you don't think it's a good thing to do and you're trying to change. That will be a pleasant surprise! Lol I felt pretty happy when my husband told me about this stuff, actually, because I kind of assumed he had watched porn at some point, being that he's a man and was 27 and single. But hearing that it was something he consciously recognized as a problem was a good thing.
DJ, I wish you the best in that relationship! Been there, done that. I'm still with her and love her, but our ups and downs always kept our life unbalanced. sex once or twice a month for long periods. The problem in meeting a person that you met "because of your anxiety and depression"; is that if you both suffer from the same issues and when one feels great, the other might feel at a low. That might be quite the roller-coaster ride. Have you met during therapy? I know, crappy question. But, it's like a couple meeting at the AA meeting. One is going strong, the other relapse, possibly causing the strong one to relapse... You might be rebooting and having a great time, but the missus might plunge into a bad episode of depression, which might brings you down. Trust me, I have "experience" with this . When the missus was depressed or anxious, there was no sex...which was causing me to rely on PMO as my only source of excitement. But in all cases, telling her the truth is the best option...as your new love might not be in top mental shape, she might feel bad quick and develop a low self-esteem when she figures that you might have the odd PMO relapse (which you a flawless reboot anyhow). Healthy girls often develop issues with us PMO'ing. Imagine somebody that is already having symptoms... Hopefully, no hurt done, its just my 2 cents worth...
Wow, thanks so much for the words of kindness, insight and humour (LOL! @ clown porn) - I am blown away by everything I've read... It means a great deal to have other people talking to me about the problems that have consumed me for well over a decade. Some general replies to the main thoughts / points / questions: - She does know I watch porn - she's pretty open-minded and we do talk about stuff like that (although not in detail - more in a jokey way), but I just don't know if she's THAT open-minded. - I am keen to share and tell her as much as I can, but due to the reaction of my ex (the first person I'd ever spoken to about this), it really concerns me that it will be another huge step backwards if she completely hates me for it and walks away (again, I couldn't blame her one bit if she did react that way). - It's quite complicated how we met - it wasn't in therapy exactly, but more when we were both searching for help online and stumbled across the same website and exchanged some messages. We have already supported each other through a lot, which includes seeing the other person go through some very rough periods, and act very emotionally and irrationally, but have always come out the other side better for it. It may sound strange, but generally having her feel down or anxious doesn't really make me more down or anxious - of course I worry and feel very bad for her, when she's going through it, but we both seem to be able to focus on helping, rather than dwelling, which is great (if only I could help myself as much as i've helped her). - Very, very, VERY sick of the deceit and lies, so sooner or later, I think this sharing does have to happen with someone in RL. Again, thanks so much to everyone for taking the time to read and reply to my posts.
You know, it's true that you could end up dragging each other down if you're not careful, but it's also true that in a relationship, when one person is struggling, it has a tendency to make the other person stronger, so they can step up and be the encourager in that moment. Sounds like you've found a good balance there! That's great
Quoted for amazingly important to my newbie eyes. Also keep in mind that you will never know beforehand what reaction she can have. So don't try acting the best role for things to go the way you think they will go. If I'm not mistaken, we've all here done too much acting already - family, friends, partners, lovers. Maybe it's easier said than done, but I strongly suggest that honesty on that particular matter will take you to worry-free places.
As the spouse of someone with this problem, I honestly might have been shocked if he'd admitted to this issue when we were first starting out. But I think honesty really does bond people together. I could have been more understanding and supportive if I'd known what I was dealing with from the beginning. It's the lies, deception, and being kept from a significant part of his life that hurt SO much more than the fact that he had the addiction. Just like a drug or alcohol addiction....you can beat it but it will always be there haunting you to the point that it defines you to a degree. On the upside, It's part of your life story. It makes you interesting....just like every scar or experience you've been through. Relationships are about being vulnerable and open and honest. Without that, every relationship is a sham because they will never know the real you. Just be honest and see if she's up for it. You will likely be pleasantly surprised.
Here is how my "porn coming out" seemed like ,throughout my relationship with the missus. We have been together for 18 years now and have a 15 yo together. The first time she caught me PMO'ing, she was 8 monthspregnant, with the feeling that she was bloated and big. she was having nausea and I didnt care for sex, her being unwell. She caught me looking at the average porn stuff, nothing in particular. The standard Porn bimbo is NOT pregnant. the wife felt bad about this. But, she quickly pretended that she understood and it was no biggie. NOT! She got back to me last week saying that she was dragging memories of that event still...16 years after. She caught me many times after. Often, she would see a darn pop up window that I forgot to close after surfing...and seing that, she based her ideas or what I like to watch based on it. I tried to tell her what kind or porn I like, but she doesnt care. She wants me 100% with her, keeping my seeds for her, keeping my thoughts for her. YMMV depending on the girl. Every boy or teen accessed porn at some point. It's not a big deal to mention it. But the lady doesn't expect you to spend many hours looking at it, especially if she treats you to good sex. For her, she did her part. If you keep looking at porn anyway, its like you need more or kinkier that what she offers you. THEN she will start feeling bad about it. That will sink in. But if you have a very forthcoming GF that asks you what you like and if you want to try something new, well, more power to you. With a very open-minded girl than might happen, but be ready to backdown, and go baby steps. And ensure you don't put porn at the forefront.... My 2 cents
