Hey everyone, hope today has been good so far. A big step for me to face up to the longstanding issues I have associated to porn and the sex industry, which have slowly destroyed my life and mental health, but here goes... A little background first I suppose... So, like most people everything started back when I was first able to access a PC with the internet (about 20 years ago - yikes), which enabled me to quickly realise that there was a whole unknown XXX world out there to explore. It began innocently enough and was actually a good place to discover that certain preferences and fetishes etc. were totally normal and that I wasn't the only one to like them. What started off as a positive, soon became a negative though and I was spending far too much time online PMOing and rapidly became involved with sub-genres of sex and porn that I would never have thought I'd be interested in. One thing led to another and I suppose the more extreme the sexual interest, the more I found it a turn on - I seemed to be driven by the shock value - to myself and others - of doing something 'out there', rather than actually being turned on by the subject itself; it almost didn't matter what I was doing, as long as it was 'different' or a little twisted in some way. For years now I have lost so much time to these habits, urges and addictions that it scares me to think of all of the hours I will never get back. At times I can lose entire days and weeks to the lifestyle and for small amounts of pleasure get rewarded with extreme lows and crushing emptiness, only to return and do it all again just a few hours later. Possibly the worst discovery of my life was when I came (no pun intended) across the back pages of a 'lads mag', which listed various adult phone services. Within a few months I was calling them regularly and actually began to find it hard to become aroused or fully enjoy an orgasm without speaking to one of these random phone chat sex workers. After this I moved on to being a heavy user of webcam and phone sex websites and have spent many, many thousands on the services they offer - I would say on average in the past few years, I have been spending 200+ per week on this sort of thing, which, given the fact that I do not earn an astronomically high salary, puts a lot of strain on my finances and I am very sad to say has often taken priority over paying bills, seeing friends, or doing the 'important' things with my money (and life). At random times since my late teens I have gone as far as visiting escorts and paying for sex or sexually related activities - even whilst in long term relationships. I joined chat sites and even dating sites, all with the aim of talking about or meeting for sex - again, even doing this whilst in long term relationships. I have led innocent women along, pretended to be a 'nice guy looking for love', and everything else imaginable, all to be able to achieve that fleeting moment of pleasure from a sexual encounter. My sense of right and wrong, and how I viewed intimacy, relationships and women was so far away from normality, I stopped being able to see the disgracefulness associated with what I was doing and how it might affect others. My emotions were (and still are) completely numb - I really find it difficult to register anything from sadness through to happiness and struggle to derive much enjoyment from my daily life. Due to this lack of feeling, I found myself abusing alcohol a lot, and whilst I do not drink every day, I definitely go off the deep end when I do because finally I can actually 'feel' again. Sitting here writing this down makes me realise what an awful person I am, and what truly despicable things I've done. For years now, I have been living multiple secret online (and at times, real) lives behind the backs of my friends, family and partners, with the constant need to make excuses for what I was doing, where I was going and the money I was spending. It has cost me jobs, friendships, relationships and money, as well as the ability to feel happiness and love, or to get close to someone and fully connect with them. I've also developed increasingly bad anxiety and depression, which has resulted in me spending days in bed where I feel so disgusting, worthless and pathetic because of the person I have become, as well as experiencing severe panic attacks in many every day situations. Everyone I know thinks I am a loving and caring person, but I can't see how that can be true... The things I have done in secret are appalling and I have betrayed some wonderful people over the years. Safe to say that I've reached breaking point recently and want to try and do something about it. It has been 2.5 days since I last masturbated or visited any adult related websites, and I have managed to control my wandering thoughts whenever I had any down time - although that has been a struggle, to say the least. I am determined to change my life around, but I really have no idea where to start - hence signing up to this site. Thanks for taking the time to read my rambling introduction and story. Hope I can become part of something positive here. Cheers!
You are very welcome here. It is great that you have found NoFap. Keep logging on and posting and you have a great chance of building a streak and some serious man power. The boost you will get if you keep going will be great for you.
Thanks very much for the reply - I will do what I can to keep posting regularly... Just letting out my thoughts and feelings in the first post has lifted some of the weight. Hopefully I can use this as a foundation to work on bigger and better things. Hope your day has been good so far.
You've got the right mindset. Do not worry. This website is sure a good place to start and visit through your journey. Maybe @SolidStance can help you with some issues. He is that kind of guy. Letting the thoughts come by is a great tool on not overhelming the mind. I understood the importance of writing feelings down much later than optimal. I too used to feel like that, sometimes I was consumed by the devil of retribution. So many good people being kind to me without knowing my other self.
Thank you for the encouragement and insight... I finally feel ready to take on the devils within me and to try and beat them, or at the very least make it so that I control them and not the other way around. Hope you're enjoying the day so far.
Hope you turn your life around and become the man you want to be. Everyone has a choice. Make your choices count.
So it has now been approx. 4 days since my last 'incident' and whilst I am quite proud of myself (this is the longest I've been without anything for quite some time), it is becoming noticeably harder (again, no pun intended) to resist the urges, as the time without any form of relief increases. Earlier this morning, I came very close to breaking and visiting one of the webcam / phone chat pay sites that I have used regularly, but managed to stop myself just as I was opening my laptop. At this stage is it a good idea to refrain from any form of self-pleasure, or is solo relief - i.e. not stimulated by anything other than thoughts (as non-extreme / fantasising as possible) - something that should be embraced? I really don't want to screw up before I've even gotten started and don't know which way to turn. Thanks again in advance.
So, last night I blew it... After only 4.5 days of nothing whatsoever, the urges were extremely strong (due largely, I believe, to zero relief), and I turned straight back to my old ways and went to one of the webcam sites I've used countless times before. I feel so disappointed in myself - I know everyone is highly likely to fail a few times along the way, but I didn't even really get started before tripping up. Back to the start... Day 1... Here we go.
