Help Out

well,right now i am in a turmoil. A fear has crept deep inside the recesses of my mind. Am i homosexual...i deeply fear to be one. Starting from my childhood i always found myself attracted to girls..even today i feel attracted towards them. But i always hesitated to talk to them since i sustained a terrible scar over my head which according to me looked ugly and thus i found myself less appealing to girls. I started masturbating since the age of 12 or 13 always exclusively thinking about girls. As i started growing up my masturbating frequency increased many folds but my fantasy always constituted of girls. I had a crush on a girl in my school to whom i could not tell about my feelings as i thought she was out of my league. Meanwhile i also developed certain fetishes like secretly masturbating on ladies undergarments which i eventually tried wearing and getting excited(just few times). Another fetish i developed was like touching girls or women in public transport. Now comes my college days and there too i found a very attractive girl and had a strong crush on her. She already had a boyfriend but i was like totally mad about her,used to look at her all day long from behind,wanted to tell her how strongly i felt about her but the same fear of not finding myself good just kept me suppressed. I was so depressed that i used to cry alone,hated myself more but still did not tell her. Those days i used to spend more time on internet and looked for chatting with girls talking about sexual stuff. But sooner i realized that i was not getting much of the females and hence i started a weird thing. I started pretending to b a girl and started chatting abt sexual stuff. But the thing was that i pretended to be a girl known to me..and when the other guy used to chat about nasty stuff about that girl..it excited me. And to my shame...i felt more excited if i pretended to b the same girl whom i loved so much. Initially i used to be fill up with guilt but could not help about it. I hated myself doing it but still i did it(i felt i was a monster). I also watched a lot of porn like gangbang,cuckold fantasy,interracial stuff. During those depressed days my other fetish like touching girls in public transport also grew stronger and one or two times when i could not find a girl i also tried touching or get touched by guys and got excited too. I also developed certain obsession of jerkin off some guy..randomly..anyone. Its been few years i have been facing this....today also porn like gangbang,cuckold excites me. I have reduced significantly that chatting thing and it also doesnt excite me that much. But the real problem....i eventually happened to find one or two girls...not much attractive though. But the weird thing is...i do get erection,not the ones i used to get when i was 18 or 19,while kissing them i feel good but not out of the world,i dont get completely lost in the act, i dont enjoy pressing their boobs as much i have heard or imagined that i would. I havent penetrated yet but to tell frankly i dont feel excited like the girl with whom i am making out. I have issues like small penis length (about 5 "). I have never tried gay porn or with a guy....and the bad thing is i dont find it repulsive but i dont feel attracted too. Where am i going,i just want to start a family life,have kids..pls suggest me where have i arrived.

 

I know I have committed mistakes and have always tried to get out of this maddening cycle of paranoia. Now I don't feel so impulsive of following such bizzare behaviour. But what's all this about not feeling excited while making out with a girl. I don't get those butterflies or out of the world or a good enjoyment while being with a girl. What am I lacking here,if I'm not enjoying with a girl does it mean I'll enjoy with a guy or simply have i lost the natural way of enjoying sex. What's this psychological fuck up going with me. How do I get the clarity.

 

Thanx a lot Rav70..really nice article making a great deal of sense to me.