Greetings all, I'm excited to find a support community and anxious/nervous to get involved. I have so many thoughts in my head, that I felt I needed to just bullet point them. I have tried to rearrange them in a coherent order. First a little about me. -Late 20s, male. -Self Employed work at home (this hasn't helped) -Likely addicted since early high school -Married, no kids. - I have felt this has been my own secret burden, but now I feel relieved to know that there are others out there striving to control their PMO. - I have never had the strength to tell my wife about my problem. I couldn't even tell a therapist that I had for a brief period when I was dealing with the grief of a family member and self pressure to succeed in this world. I felt I should handle it personally and I was ashamed. - I have rationalized my behavior for years. I'd tell myself that it is normal for men to look at porn and to masturbate. However, I have had to face that my daily rituals and often multiple daily PMO sessions is a problem. - I have had thoughts that my habit has been outside my control for decades. Yet, I haven't been able to control it. - I have used it when I have been depressed, felt lonely, distressed, and frustrated with my wife. - While I don't think my habit has had a tremendous affect on my life, I doubt that. I immediately began to doubt that statement as I typed it. I know I have wasted a lot of time on it, and it has occasionally made me late for functions. Fortunately, it hasn't destroyed my marriage and I have never skipped events for it. I'm afraid how this might progress. - However, I know my strong sexual desires have turned off my wife in the past. I have wanted her to do certain things or act certain ways that was not her and that has created fiction. We have managed to work past these without addressing this issue, but I wonder how much better it may be if I do. - I frequently think about sex. I have rude inappropriate images flash frequently that I feel are beyond my control. - Every girl I see, I have a compulsive need to "check them out". Women of all ages, I catch myself glancing at their bodies. They notice and then I spend the rest of the conversation making it seem like I never looked and then I'm afraid it's obvious to them that I am trying so hard not to look at their bodies. This is for all ages from high school to older women. - I've never had desire to hit on or act on my attraction/desire to check out women, but I don't like that I am so close to inappropriately interacting with someone and disrespecting them and my wife. - I want to eventually be a father and not dealing with this and checking out my future children's friends and classmates. Or my wife's friends/colleagues. - I have tried multiple times to quit looking at porn and masturbating. - The first few times, I just tried to go cold turkey. I made it as much as a month though, but then would binge. - Then there have been several attempts where I have tried to ween myself off of it by addressing the habits associated with it such as not doing it after working out or showering. I made it a month and a half. Just to binge again. - Something I realized this time around is that I was not addressing my mental process. I can already feel myself being mindful of my thoughts and physical desire. I hope this is the answer. I cut in when my mind starts to wander or I check out a girl. I acknowledge my physical desire and then move past it. Yet, I still want PMO. - While I feel that I am willing to treat porn as if it doesn't exist and give it up, I have a hard time thinking about giving up masturbating. I consider it natural. - Secondly, I believe that true control lies in moderation and that a little bit of porn can be beneficial/enjoyable for a consenting couple. - However, perhaps due to my history with it, is PMO something that I should admit that I must just let it go entirely in order to live a healthy life? I hope to find support and answers as I make another attempt to finally take control. Thanks, Cardinal13
I'm sort of in the same boat as you. I feel as though I have let it run my life. I am very eager to move past it, but the temptations are so difficult to overcome sometimes. Unfortunately, I have let it get to the point that I have started to prefer Porn over my wife and it had caused problems. I know that sounds crazy, but its very true. For me, this was the tell tell sign that I'm in trouble. I'm also hoping to find the support and methods of stopping porn and masturbation, but not sex with my wife. I think we are sinking in a very similar boat. Let try and swim together on this one.
Hey welcome to Nofap! Glad you found us. I recommend reading this thread if you haven't already. It might help you understand your habits with binge Ming after a month or so as you said. http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=5734.0
JDM. Thanks for posting and that doesn't sound crazy at all. I found myself starting to feel that way too. I was really exciting to see someone say they are going through something similar and let's try to get through this together. I agree, let's keep in touch and help each other along. Perhaps you can relate to this too... This is partly just me getting this off my chest as well... There have been specific times when it has affected my wife in two ways. 1. I have satiated my addiction and then didn't have energy to even really interact with my wife, let alone have sex. 2. Since I'm used to novel and quick pleasure with porn, I would be frustrated with my wife because she didn't want to have sex or that she just wanted to make out and not go further. Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I have let it affect our relationship. :-( I've got to fix this.
Cardinal. How do I insert some of the text that you wrote to refer to it. Meaning, you added some of my text "JDM said. Unfortunately, I have..." Also, I dont so much have the problem of her not wanting to ever go past making out. I can ask her anywhere anytime and she will most likely be down with it. My big issue is wanting to in the first place. I have gotten the point that I chose porn over her and then she is left wandering what is wrong with her. I am attracted to her, however, porn is a demon on the shoulder. A guy can only go so many times before he doesn't have the energy and/or the real thing doesn't do anything for him. Its a pretty crappy boat but I made it to day 2 How are you holding up?
I hit the reply button instead of just typing in the box below. At least, that is how I think I did it. haha. Since I pushed my wife in the past, we are working through some trust issues and she wants to know that I am not pressuring her. It's just another affect of my habit. Does she have any idea about yours? My wife doesn't and it kills me to be hiding something so serious from her. I know what you mean about the real thing not holding much appeal. Have you read through all the science stuff on here? It made so much sense how porn is novel and a super stimulus and affects our brain. How can our wives fairly compete for our attention? I'm glad we have both found this site. I'm hanging in there as well. I'm catching myself constantly wanting to, but I have come up with an acronym to think about maybe it can help you. As soon as I have a thought about PMO, I think TACT. 1. Take a deep breath. 2. Acknowledge what I am feeling and thinking. Physical, emotionally, or mentally. 3. Consider the impact that it has had and the impact that changing will have. 4. Turn on blockers of content/turn my attention elsewhere Stay strong man! We can make this. Cheers, Cardinal13
I think I'm going to start using that acronym also. Yesterday my mind started to wonder while in traffic (I get so bored) and when I got home I relapsed unfortunately. However, right now I'm thinking of it as a positive; I just started and now I'm learning the ropes which includes failing. I don't believe I will be so easy next time though. Ironically though, I didn't feel that bad after finishing, but more victorious in a way. I almost felt like it was a needed step; to improve my self awareness of what works and doesn't work (in a weird way). I have never tried to quit before so this is still new and any info I may learn along the ways helps to draw and color in the big picture. I now know that I need to try and somehow kill the thoughts before its too late like yesterday. Like Thomas Edison said, “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” My wife has no clue. Things are still good enough to where I can scrape by, but it is a real problem that must be put in check. I don't like not telling her, however, if I can get things under control then I don't see the need for the amount of hurt and shame it will cause her. Not to mention, I don't thing telling her will help; the only thing that's going to stop this is incredible will power and that doesn't come from her, it comes from myself and within. Maybe that's wrong, but telling her is the last option to me; it will forever change her view of me and kill 6 years of trust. I'm not willing to do that unless I have to and I can't solve this myself. Rock on, J
Glad to hear you are ready to bounce back stronger after your relapse. You are right. I know I have learned from each time I have relapsed in the past. I hope the TACT acronym helps you to be more mindful. My wife doesn't know either. Unfortunately, it sounds like you and I have become pretty adept at hiding it through the years. I've wrestled with the idea of telling her for years as part of a healing tool, but have held back for the same reason you have. It makes me feel sick inside. This morning I was tempted to relapse really badly. I work from home mostly and unfortunately, I have the potential relapse at any minute. So I got out of there as quickly as possible to go work at a coffee shop. It was the hardest moment I had since starting this website. You got this man. Live and learn. Cheers, Cardinal13
Pretty good. There have been some difficult moments trying to keep from thinking certain things and avoiding cravings, but I think it is going ok. I've noticed lot of small benefits. - More time and energy. I feel like I have gotten more done in the last week than in a long time. Without allowing myself to park in front of a computer for a while and thinking about other things has really freed up mental space and time. - Which in turn has helped me focus on my wife, so things have improved there. - I also don't catch myself checking out other women as much. I'm much more in the moment instead of thinking about sex all the time. How are you doing on day 3? You've made it to a new record for yourself. Keep it up! Cheers, Cardinal13
I'm not doing too bad. Thanks I am noticing a bit more confidence already, but it may be mental. I'm looking forward to all the benefits it will bring. I'm hoping that by doing this I completely change my outlook and things; women, life, work etc. Your doing awesome man. Keep it going.
