10 Months PMO free

Hi guys:
One more month that I can write my "victory email", celebrating that I am staying clean during the past 30 days and making more and more distance for the nightmare my life was before that.
I should admit that one of the biggest deterrent to get back to PMO is now thinking that if I fail, I will need to write my "defeat speech" instead.
It sound kind of stupid, but the idea of starting over from Day 0 feels so depressing that this is enough to take out of my mind any stupid thought of fapping or calling escorts ( porn is not something I am urged any longer).
Relapsing on Day 15 was not a pretty idea, but I had much less to lose now.
Also, the more time it goes by, the more clear I can see how wrong my life was, and how stupid was to spend so much time fapping and watching porn, and so much money spent in escorts.
It is not that I do not have urges any longer.
I am having some big problems with my business, and went through some ugly meetings with some clients during this past month. I got a lot of aggressive words and aggravation during these meetings, which usually would have trigger me a binge of PMO and escorts.
This is the way I used to response to stress, discomfort and aggression in the past since I started this addiction when I was 10 years old. As many of them already know, I discovered during my reboot that my addiction started when I was bullied and sexually molested in my 6th grade by some class mates. This was the way my mind found to cope with the anger, guilt and sadness I felt. And the way I kept coping with pain and stress the rest of my life.
I discussed with my therapist about the "Stockholm syndrome", in some way this is what I developed: becoming "in love" with my aggressors in order to cope with pain. Of course this was a big lie that my mind created, but I lived inside that delusion for 40 years!!!
This time is different. I can cope with my problems without submerging myself in a binge of PMO and escorts. I have learned that this will not solve my problems, and will depressed me even more, making my problems even bigger.
The reason why I mention this is because I believe that we cannot succeed in our reboot if we do not understand why we have been caught in this shitty addiction. If you look at it from "outside", how stupid is to fap every day watching fake videos of bad paid actors who pretend to have pleasurable sex? When we know that it is all fake, that they do not enjoy, that they are all drugged or drunk, or are forced to have unprotected sex against their will? (read one of my previous posts about this).
We want to believe this shit, and we want to pretend that this is real. The first step is to acknowledge that this is not true, it is a fantasy that some porn industry people has created to sell their shit and make money out of our delusions and addicted behavior.
That every time we click and we pay, we are fueling this industry, so we are "partners in crime" in this.
That we need to stop, so porn gets choked and disappears.
I know that it sounds a naive goal, but we need to commit to it as part of our reboot program. It will give us the strength we need to become better persons and "start living a better life", and Mark and @alexander from NoFap academy say.
Keep on fighting
Fercho

 

Thank you so much for posting @heretolearn
I look forward to write my One Year PMO Free speech soon
Fercho

 

Thank you very much @philstronaut for your kind words.
It is amazing how getting my mind cleaner helped me to process past events that were hidden inside my brain. It is like the addiction was trying to hide everything and trying to "help me " to forget, but of course it did not work out. I feel now that my mind is much more clear, this helps me when I got an urge to be able to separate the addiction from the real problems i may be experiencing
Keep on fighting
Fercho

 

Hi @GreatScott!
You are right, it is a long journey of discovery, but it is worth the effort.
Fercho

 

Yesterday night I did a very stupid thing. I was in bed, could not sleep and was a bit sad and depressed because of some problems at work.
I started thinking that it is already one year since I hired a famous Hungarian gay porn star as an escort. For those who have not followed my earlier post, this meeting changed my life. This guy used to work for BelAmi, one of the most famous gay porn studios. The actors always look happy and cheerful, but he told me a very different story. He explained me how they are abused and drugged during filming, that the HIV tests are being faked, that the owner has the "right to sleep" with any actor whenever he wants, that they have pimps which takes almost all the money they get, etc. He quitted the company when they tried to force him to shoot without condoms.
He is not even gay, he is straight and was doing this because he comes from a very poor family which he needs to support. He has a girlfriend and was trying to find a job as a model to quit porn.
When I left his apartment I felt very guilty, and realized that every time we click on a porn video we become accomplice of this criminal activity. Worst than that, I still had sex with him even after he told me his story, he was passive and I knew he was hurting, but i did not stop. I felt like an animal, being driven by the lower instincts instead of by my rational part of the brain.
This meeting was an eye-opener and lead me to start my rehab one month later.
Fast forward to last night: I started thinking how much i changed during the past 10,5 months and I wanted to know if this guy had quit porn finally, so I googled his name.
How stupid idea! If you google a porn star name, what you get? Thousand of porn pictures and links to videos! And this is what i got!
It was 10,5 months since I have not open a single porn webpage, so I froze.
I stared at this pictures I would lie if I do not say that I got 5 seconds of excitement and arousal. But before clicking any of this links I reminded me all my years of porn, the addiction, the compulsive behavior, the risks I took, how I mistreated my wife, how much money and gime I spent in this stupid addiction.
I repeated to myself my mantra sentence, the one that have always saved me these months of reboot:" If you want to know if something is good or bad for you, just answer yourself tow simple question: where does this lead you? And how will this leave you?".
The replies were obvious.
I was 1 second away of clicking back to this misery, but I chose to close the window and leave.
I started reading some news to get distracted, and suddenly I thought that I heard my wife calling me from bed, so I got back to our bedroom. She was deeply sleeping, so it was not her. Perhaps was the voice of my conscience calling me back to the real world. Or God, if you believe in miracles.
I am writing this post as a testimony that PMO is always ready to jump in, in the moment we less expect it. But if we have practiced the tools Mark and @alexander teach at NoFap Academy you can change the way your react to the urges, and keep living a wonderful life without PMO.
Fercho

 

No, in fact I did not even touch myself. I simply looked to some of the porn pictures, realized I was getting excited and I closed the window.
I do not know which would have been my reaction if I would have started watching a video or Moing...I prefer not to try

 

Thank you @Alex10s . It takes time and patience but it can be done

 

Thank you for commenting on my posts @incredulo and for leaving a message in my profile
You are right, we need to be very careful in every step we make, because the danger of relapsing is is still there, no matter how many months we have been clean.
It takes a lot of Will Power, Mark Queppet gives excellent tools to improve our Will Power Process in his course at NoFap Academy. It has helped me a lot.
Do you speak Spanish? ( I am asking due to your nickname). If so, we have a Spanish speakers group which you may want to join
Fercho

 

Just click here @incredulo :
http://www.NoFap.com/forum/index.php?groups/español-fapstronauts.4/&wtype=member
De donde eres?