Feeling caught up, not in control. Not anymore.

I have joined the community because I feel kinda shackled up by pornography. Actually up until recently I didn't think I had a real problem with it. I always just "used" it for fun times when I was bored. In the beginning it could be weeks without a thought of it, later I had to make goals that I wanted to wait a week before watching again. Sometimes to prove to myself that this was not an addiction, that I was able to control it, sometimes because I felt I had seen too much and started looking at girls in a completely different way, and wanted it to return to normal again. It was no big deal, I always managed to get back to "normal".

Not so long ago I started thinking about porn as not that entertaining, most times not even the least bit fun or in any way worth spending my time on. And this may be the 10th time for those kinds of thoughts, but all the other times I would just stop, until I thought it seemed exciting again. That would take maybe about a week or two. But this time, when I once again had that thought, it didn't last. Not even for a day. I just couldn't stay away. I felt drawn in a new type of way, I felt it was not possible to get my mind on something else. So there I went watching porn again. Addicted? Since then I've tried a few things when I came to think of porn such as going for a walk, playing music or exercise. I don't always know what triggers it, but when first I start thinking of it, I seem to not stop thinking about it before I have watched some. I can't really control it anymore. It scares me a bit, and I think it upsets me even more. Makes me feel week.

By joining here, I hope to stop watching and regain my pride, confidence and good mood.