Salutations Fapstronauts

I'm 26yo/m from Germany and I found this site shortly after starting my first period of fapstinence last Friday.
My main problem is best described as porn addiction and it took me a really long time to admit it, or even to admit that such a thing might actually exist.
Allow me to baaww a little and introduce me to you a bit. See, I haven't been a functioning member of society for a very long time. After getting my A-levels I started studying engineering, but aborted it after one semester and following up i started job training in two different fields successively, which i also didn't finish. I got fired from my last job because I was admitted to a mental institution again thanks to depression and thus being suicidal once more. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety 10 years ago and during school and every time in between jobs I spent time in mental institutions. Failure, hospital, welfare, trying anew and starting all over again, that's the pattern here.
I personally blame my screwed up sexuality for it to a large extent, which is what ultimately made porn and masturbation a problematic issue. I was victim of sexual abuse when I was in grade two and you could say that i was very shy before, but after that, those first aproaches towards the other sex kids make at that age were outright terrifying to me, so I started to socially retreat at that age already, slowly at first, but nevertheless missing out on the important experiences and even declining advances from girls harshly - not that there had been many. Unfortunately, some of the acquaintances I had were of the unruly sort and subjected the whole lot of us to a steady supply of pornographic magazines and the idea of masturbation. This is how I got hooked on the habit in 3rd grade, and from then on all bets were off. There was porn, vulgarity, fapping daily and to everything from teletext phone sex ads to music videos to staying up late and catching softcore on TV. Unsurprisingly, I still was the only one who was terrified from the idea of intimacy in real life, and unknowingly, what I regarded as a pastime that was inexplicably satisfying turned out to be a decisive factor in my future failings. It was a vicious circle of damaging habits and mental illness. I became a fat and lonely, living off health care and welfare money more than anything else, virgin (at least not kissless thanks to drunk compassion) now out of work again loser. The only thing on my mind was porn and sexual phantasies that grew weirder and weirder. Even gay porn became arousing, after I had watched everything else over and over, although when not fapping men are the least appealing thing to me. I developed a liking for interracial sissy hypno videos, simply because of the high speed editing, which lead to a strange fixation on BBC porn. Thank god that this whole cycle didn't lead me to anything illegal. Fapping to scat is still sick when you think about it, but it actually could still be worse. Anyway, here is where I made my stand and said "NO MORE!", started doing more physical activities, eating less and healthier, quit smoking and ultimately no more porn and masturbation, now ten days in. Much like I observed with dieting earlier, week two is the first real challenge and thus I decided to sign up here and look for experiences, tips, or simply distraction, anything how you guys deal with it.

I wish us all the best, and may we all succeed

 

Hello Ifromcr, thank you for your kind words. I was thinking hard if I should even post it here, but I guess I've been turning my inside out on this journey here anyways and I have to accept that it just belongs to who I am. It's nice to hear that you and your husband stuck together and got through highs and lows, I wish you best of luck and may there only be fortune to look forward to!