hi all I've been doing a bit of snooping looking at the porn my partner was using during his relapes. I was sexually liberal before I met my husband but things changed drastically when I met him as he only liked a passive partner and didn't want sex much at all which damaged my self esteem. Well soon I forgot what expressing myself sexually was about. I looked at porn some times before I met my partner but really only a limited type and not oftan. I didn't need anything visual to enjoy myself. Obv looking at porn while being with my partner was not allowed, many reasons but ultimately he didn't like it, so I didn't. Ever. In years! Since his latest relapes though, I've been feeling pretty pissed. Looked through some of the websites he was using when feeling angry but oddly enough started to become overly fascinated with the visuals. Pretty soon I had tempary removed the parental controls and was searching (mesmerising!) for pretty hard core stuff that always gets filtered. I was really thrilled to find a whole bunch of sexual situations which for years I usually fantaise about, were actually a thing with its own category and everything! Long story short with in a week or two I'm looking at this stuff every day. Sometimes three times a day! My question is, is this how porn addiction starts? Should I stop? Or am I having some sort of sexual awakening after a very informed no thrills sex life for many years? My partner is very pleased I'm looking at it (all of a sudden?!) and loving this new side to me. He thinks he made a mistake by shutting my sexual preferences out (true) and this will open a whole new chapter for me. He alway wants porn not to be this dirty secret world I'm not allowed into. (Note he wants me to tell him what I like to watch and gets very turned on, but doesn't want me to show him it. He's more keen to know why I like it, rather then deep descriptions) Is this healthy? I really need some advice on if this is bad for him too. I'm slightly worried...only as I started looking at men a little differently, (wondering how they look naked and if I'd like to do things with them I saw in a porn film) (which at the moment it's pretty much yes to any attractive guy I see. Maybe coz in angry. Or maybe as I'm super charged from seeing this stuff) I can honestly say this is not some thing I've ever done before! I consider it to be something that my partner would be upset about , and any upset can trigger relapes. My partner says the only way I would look at another guy like that would be if it ment he didn't have a big enough manhood (which he has a hang up over) and I genuinely have trained myself to not notice a good looking guy! Now I'm seeing them everywhere? Porn doing this to me? Or is it normal. Is this being disrespectful ? and if so why? When surly him looking at so many women in movies in similar fantasy. I don't act on my thoughts, I'm externally shy around men. Anyway I've actually decided to stop looking at porn (three days now) as I think it's messing me up? Or was it setting me free?
You are becoming addicted. And your partner is loving that you are headed towards codependency. This feels good for now, but isn't heading toward happiness. What sense does it make for two sex-loving individuals who love each other as you do to be directing your sexual activities away from each other? Sex is a relationship enhancer; porn is the opposite of that. You're doing the right thing by stopping before you really get going. By the way you don't need to touch yourself to become addicted to porn. The dopamine response begins just by looking at images (or even having detailed and perpetuated fantasies). It's the same brain activity as when a smoker takes a drag off a cigarette.
I am so glad you decided to stop looking at porn. No, that was not healthy, for you or your partner. For him it was a type of p substitute, not looking at P but having you describe it. His addict brain wants you inside his addiction with him, to make it all ok. People can basically get addicted to anything, going to the gym, spending time on nofap, facebook. All of those things are just fine, the line is when you start wanting to do it all the time, if you're not doing it you are thinking about it, and it's interfering with your real life. Plus, porn stars are often forced or coerced into the acts they perform. It's a sick industry that is harming so many people, including causing you and your partner so much hurt. I, personally, could never support that. I don't judge you for looking, other partners have looked out of anger and hurt, and some have even ended up fully addicted. You are stopping early, so that's good. The idea that it's setting you free is one that society tells us. Porn and MO is fine! But you know, from your own life, how much porn can hurt. Your past sex life with your addicted partner has not been fulfilling, he has tried to control you, he's hurt you, he's focused on his wants and his addiction. None of that is right. Its awful, in fact. But it is possible for you to have a healthy sex life, possibly with your partner, if he works to kick his addiction and heal. P use is not the pathway to that healthy sex life.
You're headed for disaster. Don't go there. You should be having a meaningful relationship with your man. He's an addict and you will be one soon. Be careful.
I have a different take on this. Be mindful, but remember: not everyone will become an addict from viewing P. If you've been sexually repressed, then perhaps you're learning a few things about your desires and fantasies. There's nothing wrong with that. Just be mindful of the possibility of dependency. I would, however, not tell your husband about what you're viewing. That indeed is a P substitute for him.
@runningupthathill , It's normal that you found porn sites with the exact genre that you were fantasizing secretly. Because they basically made everything that someone would think of... This would lead to escalation. You might end up performing sexual acts with him that will leave you with an after taste. He might use that momentum to live some of his fantasies with you, to the point that you might regret. Be yourself, don't fall for the PORN LIES. If you are really liberal about sex, just make sure that you don't cross the line you would have normally crossed. Porn, because of the coolidge effect, desensitize you with today's porn and make you seek the next trill. There is an escalation in sexual acts. Your openess might potentially bring you a lot further that you would normally want to go. Just be careful with yourself. Your significant other is already desensitized. Hopefully, he won't take advantage! Take care!
She's not sexually repressed and needing porn to learn about her true desires. She already said she's liberal regarding sex. I'm sure she knows exactly what she likes with out porn. OP also said she's already looking at men differently and fantasizing about them with their clothes off. Her hubby is still wanking it so he's not going to be able to please her... This is all a recipe for disaster. He needs to reboot and these two need to hump each other senseless and have good intimate and meaningful sex. Fuck porn... It's nonsense.
Thanks guys for your replies. I do think a good part of the reason I'm enjoying (was) the porn was revenge (and rebellion ?) for spending 13 years in love with a man who discouraged and reacted negatively to my desires. Finally I got to look at what I wanted, and see others enjoying that situation and not be made to feel it's disgusting (by the way, we are not talking about anything creepy here, just women taking control in the sac in a particular way!) so I really did feel liberated to see that men can enjoy this too (yes before I met my husband I was very liberal in bed but my goodness, after 13 years that feels like someone else) (and this was completely banned with my husband, if I even initiated sex it would act as repellent let alone try and put myself first) I suppose I felt it was ok that my husband liked hearing about it as it made him start to encourage me to take charge of my life (not just sex) he says he wants a new journey for us (for him too) and this is the start of the old me coming back who took lived life to the full. (Before he suppressed me, which he said he did due to having control and p issues even up to ten years before he met me) I guess I'm just confused a lot. Does having a p addicted husband mean we must never talk of fantasies? I should point out, he starts therphy next week and has stopped porn use himself. Since I stopped looking (once I decided) I don't so far find it tempting to go back as I'm sort of burn out with simulation overload also the attention I'm getting (that I've not had before since he courted me) is rather replacing it, even if we do not yet know if we will stay together. I suppose the one good thing as it's helped me understand how it can become addictive to porn and how anyone can, when before I couldn't relate to this subject.
ps not sure if checking out good looking guys is.. A. porn over load (making me see all guys in a sexual light that's not realistic) B. Revenge (anger at partners relapes and me always behaving and it not making any bloody difference) C. Normal. (You see a hot guy, you wonder what hes going to look like naked in a complete fantasy way for a few seconds, with no thought of acting on it, then move on)
When you have a porn addicted spouse chances are his fantasies are porn induced. Sounds like he's been at it a while so who knows what his true desires are now if he took away porn. Can you talk about fantasies? Yeah, we did but during his reboot they went from hardcore the first 3 weeks, to tapering tamer and tamer.... He's been clean since Dec 7th. Totally different sexual tastes now. How totally open have you been talking??? How often did he PMO a day?
These are all normal questions and feelings! I've been there. I highly recommend counseling for yourself. And being here on NoFap and talking about it with others that understand is helpful too. You asked: For me, the personal answer is, we will talk of fantasies of sex with each other. Things we want to do with each other. Things we enjoy together. If my husband were an alcoholic would I still drink alcohol? Possibly. Would I change some of the things I do? Probably. Like having alcohol in the house or drinking to excess in front of him. Maybe. The relationship you had, including the sex, was very controlling, not OK and not what you needed. If you do stay with your partner or if you don't, you need to take charge of your life and not go back to that terrible place.
I've wondered this same thing about myself. My conclusion is that, for me, I look at a guy that's attractive and that's as far as it goes. Personally, I don't imagine them naked. For my husband, he was objectifying women and thinking of them naked and doing things with them. So he's actively working to stop that.
When I'm happily engaged in a meaningful relationship I never check out guys and think I wanna see them naked. The only time this crosses my mind is when I'm unfulfilled and on the verge of bailing on a relationship.
I want to add if he and you can be completely honest and open about this, it can lead to great intimacy,trust and openness. You'll find yourself talking about just about everything modesty be damned! At least that's how it is for me and others I've talked to.
Very interesting. So me talking to my husband about my personal fantasy is healthy? What wouldn't be would be would be explaining a porn movie I saw in which I liked and matched my fantasy?
Porn is never healthy. I could write a mini novel here listing out the reasons why. Communication is always healthy.
I think talking about your personal fantasy with HIM would be very healthy, yes. Not while he's early on in a reboot and may relapse, but my husband and I are in the middle of a reboot together right now and we may not be Oing but we're talking fantasies, what we like with each other, what we like to do to each other, and we're acting them out during gentle intercourse/karreza, which is sex but without O. For us, we consider it building our connection and also immersion therapy for him. We're retraining his brain to enjoy sex with ME with no other people in our heads.
I would suggest as some have said before that checking someone out and fantasizing about their appearence without cloths seems quite objectifying of that person. Now being attracted towards a person that you'd consider good looking isn't wrong, but is quite natural. However you can appreciate someones beauty without objectifying the person. So it seems that your issue can be a combination of A and B in this case. Obviously you have been living in a unsatisfactory relationship for a long time, so it seems more of a symptom of that, rather than something you should accept as natural or normal. Hopefully your partner will take this seriously and realize that it's not just hurting himself but you as well. Btw, @Rav70 said above that you shouldn't need P for fantasies, which is totally true. It will only plant ideas that aren't realistic. Instead explore a realistic and healthy sexual relationship with love and respect. GBY, Patric
Yep, definitely have found yourself caught up in the beginning phases of addiction. Glad you've decided to nip it in the bud because that is certainly the best way to go. The longer you feed into it the harder the addiction becomes to break and the more you get attached and let it wreak havoc on your brain. I agree with some of the posts on here too that have already shed some insight on some questions you have, and I agree wholeheartedly with the first post by Bartimaeus. Addicts love someone to share the addiction with, so he is more than pleased that you've been indulging too especially when sharing what you've viewed with him in detail. Finding that there is an exact genre for your fancies is one way that porn sucks you in too. Endless videos to see others enacting your fantasies? Of course you're gonna be drawn in. But it is all a facade; it is two paid actors sharing a very intimate moment about as non intimately as humanly possible. It's not a sexual awakening, it just doesn't happen like that. It is the semblance of an awakening because you've been sexually neglected for so long this has shown up in your life and tried to fool you into feeling comfortable with the sexual imagery porn has to offer. Porn doesn't enhance intimacy, it replaces it. I have also been addicted to porn for 16 years and always thought quickly about what attractive men look like naked in pretty good detail as well as some other physical things about them. I am bisexual and often would objectify both genders in light of sexual attractions related to the porn I sought out. I became more aware of how beautiful and sacred bodies are and I realized then I didn't objectify women as much after. Men, though, I still did immediately see a hot guy and think some pretty graphic thoughts. It eased up a LOT in this brief span of quitting PMO already though. Being in a new and exciting relationship with a sweetheart who is not PMO addicted helps tons I am sure. You know how destructive porn can be in a relationship, but you've also formed an interest in it too. Sometimes too much thinking about something like that can backfire and it seems like that could be the case. You're also deeply desiring relating to him on some level too so you may have let yourself believe that it isn't all bad especially since I remember your first post mentioning his trying to get you watching it. Those little changes you notice in yourself and him after you began watching porn aren't figments of your imagination, they happen quickly. It is normal to have questions about this all too, hence your posting, however I must add that it does seem like you'd like to believe viewing/describing it could somehow be beneficial for your relationship. I'm sure the married ones here could vouch better than I can on this notion that it is just a recipe for destruction. Like fupornwife stated about her experiences, I think you share the goal of getting him to focus more on sex with you and only you, and to talk about your personal sexual desires and preferences back and forth. Communication is a wonderful bridge to bringing you closer together, and sharing that personal intimacy. The explaining of the porn you've viewed only sounds not as bad as it coooouuulllld be because you mentioned describing what you like about the porn you viewed and not so much the scene itself. However, cutting out the middle men is even better in describing intimate moments. Talk about what you know you find arousing because you've known for years without viewing the porn. Talk about what you'd enjoy to do to him, have him do to you, etc etc. I agree with the sentiment of waiting until he's done a reboot, perhaps maybe after you've both done one together? For himself, there is really no way around it. He's got to rewire that noggin in the opposite direction of porn addiction, and that can only be done by staying the sam hell away from it and from things like it. Maybe you two can do a reboot together, though for real. Just some things to ponder Stay strong.
