I'm Angry That I Feel so Angry

You can do it man!

 

Well, don't forget that alcohol lowers inhibitions, so if you're trying to quit P, alcohol probably isn't helping. I've had the passing thought before, "oh well I can't really help it this time, I was drunk!" Except I'm responsible for having gotten drunk too, so that's actually two counts of poor decisions and failures of willpower, not one negating the other.

Longest journey starts with the smallest step, so don't get intimidated by how far off the horizon is, just look at your feet and step carefully. You made an account here, you made a post, you've gone 2 days without. You've admitted that you're comfortable where you are, but smart enough to see a problem with that, and somewhere in you is enough motivation to do something about it, because you already took three steps. It's not much, but ride that momentum forward and upward.

+1, you can do it man.

 

I am exactly where you are man. Two days without porn or fapping and have dealt with loneliness all my life. I'm a virgin and in my religion if your gay you have to remain abstinent. Thus the porn and masturbation. I don't know if I can go without ever having a romantic relationship and no porn or masturbation my whole life. But I'm going to at least try it for a year. I have had suicidal thoughts too and that's one of the hardest parts. I just keep thinking how unfair that would be to my family and even if I don't get to enjoy sex what other parts of life would i miss out on if I did that? Would I miss traveling the world? Learning an instrument?

 

I'm gay too. And we have much more in common. I also grew up in a religion that doesn't support gay people at all. They consider the greatest love I could ever hope to have with another person a great sin. And I still struggle with that. But I'm not a virgin, and am probably much older than you (47). Gay relationships are a special animal, and the last one I was in ended particularly badly when I caught him not only cheating on me, but not being safe. That burned me to my core, and I retreated big time. I've been out of a relationship and not dating for 6 years next month.

For me, it was not only PMO, but in some cases PPMO - the other P being poppers, amyl nitrite inhalants popular in the gay community that create a rush and intensify orgasm. PMO has made it far too easy for me to sweep these bad things under the rug. I satisfy my physical urges quietly and alone. But it starts a vicious circle where I don't particularly care about relating to others and become comfortable dealing with life this way. I'm painfully lonely, isolated, and at times, suicidal. I'm trying to break free, leave the PMO by the wayside, get my physical side in check where loving sexual contact is possible once again and have some good gay friendships. I gave up the poppers quite a while ago, but the last time I PMOd was Sunday. I need a big reboot and a new attitude about relationships before I can trust someone again. It's going to be a big struggle, but in spite of it all I do desire male-to-male companionship, love, and intimacy in spite of what the religion I grew up in dictates. I consider it a challenge to find this needle in a haystack who thinks like I do, is trustworthy, and is truly looking for the same thing. He has got to be out there somewhere. Meantime, I'm dealing with these personal issues and am giving up PMO as a coping mechanism.

 

Thanks your reply really encouraged me

 

I had thought about trying a relationship. But I feel that I can't and still keep my family. Another thing that worries me is that even if i do get into a relationship he will leave me or cheat on me. The possibility of an STD is scary too.

 

I agree, those are all real risks of a relationship. But to me, the fulfillment associated with getting into a meaningful relationship with someone who "fits" is worth taking these risks, rather than withdrawal into ones' self and subscribing to the religious dogma made up by others that a) isn't provable and b) is obviously wrong for me. I cannot control who I love - I am drawn to people of my own sex and feel little attraction for the opposite sex. It's how I was born, and I bet you're the same way as well. I tried following the religious tenets I grew up with and basically became the equivalent of a monk for years, and felt a level of deep misery and despair that I never want to feel again. Basically, that God had cursed me and didn't give a shit. That's when I seriously considered suicide. But then I honestly started seeking for evidence that I could find to prove my religion true, and found nothing but plenty of evidence that it was wrong. Maybe you'll feel similar once you've gotten past a certain age or beyond a point of despair that you start questioning why you allow yourself to continue enduring such pain. I lived at least a decade in that state before I decided I had enough and that I would try living for myself. Loneliness is painful for me, and even though I'm shy and introverted and taking the loner route is easier, I feel that I cannot continue going on living without at least trying my damndest to find him. STDs one can avoid by being careful and also by knowing your status by testing yourself regularly if you engage in sexual activity. These days, you can get an HIV test kit at Walgreens for 50 bucks which will tell you in half an hour whether or not you may have something that you need to go to the doctor for.

If had a similar thing with my family as well. And you know what? I ultimately decided that if they put their religion before me, I could also put my own self fulfillment over their negative judgments. Especially after concluding that the religion they put high on a pedestal above me was false.

But I'm almost 50 years old. Probably a lot older than you. And I'm a survivor, having been part of the generation immediately following those who reached their 20s in the early to mid 80s who are now largely dead of AIDS. I try to be careful about who I date. Obviously I don't always judge correctly. But that doesn't mean I stop trying to find him.

PMO will continue to be a temptation for me. Due to my introversion it's always easier to retreat to the comfort of my own bed with my laptop or my tablet at my side, and simply take care of business that way. But it doesn't help me find him. So I need to quit that.