Female SO's Who Have Left and Returned, or Thought of Leaving, What Would You Think If...

I didn't leave. But I can tag a couple ladies. @Sunflower80, @zauvek and @MsPants. They are all still in contact with their exs, however.

I can also throw my 2 cents in, for what it is worth. I guess, if she has insisted you not contact her at all, as long as there are no legal reasons you cannot contact her, I suppose this would be one good chance. If she is asking to pick up her belongings or having them delivered, however, it may be that she has already made up her mind? If that's the case, I suppose you run the risk of her getting angry and destroying those things. But if you don't try, you won't ever know, will you?

Coming from a wife that didn't leave, I think that is a very sweet gesture.

 

I would say that gifts themselves may not mean that much at the point when she has made the decision to leave. But the letters are what stand out to me. If the letters are just about promises to do better etc, that wouldn't prove anything to someone already choosing to leave. But if there is a progression in the letters of honesty and actual disclosure of true feelings about what you understand now about your addiction, how you actually feel about yourself and your relationship with her and how you feel about her, the betrayal and how you can now see specifically how you have hurt her, there may be something there worth salvaging for her.

I know myself and have confirmed with other spouses that the worst part about this addiction is the lies and betrayal but most importantly about the total lack of intimacy. Intimacy is completely lacking emotionally with this addiction. It has caused the most hurt out of everything else. Not being able to empathize with her about her feelings, not acknowledging them or ignoring them and denying how she truly feels by denying how you are behaving is the worst part to get through. This addiction has numbed the addicted from feeling anything emotionally. It is the biggest obstacle for us who are struggling to forgive and move forward. I feel I have forgiven the issues with porn itself mostly (after 6 weeks into reboot). It is the emotional disconnect that I am still having a hard time with and not hearing how he actually feels about things and what he is thinking. Those are the things that I need to improve in order to fully trust him. And to feel that I am the most important person in his life. His words have only been words for our entire relationship because he can't open up yet.

I hope you are able to open up to her or have in those letters. That is what we truly need. I wish you the best of luck with this. She is obviously too hurt and in protection mode, which is completely understandable. If you give full disclosure, you may have a chance. Also I hope you are seeking couselling, as it helps emotionally and will help with her trust issues if you two can do that together.

 

Yes, I agree. But gifts are not my language of love. Words are. Her language of love may be gifts? My best friend would love a pretty and well put together gift basket.

 

@fupornwife I agree that some women prefer gifts, but at the same time, this woman obviously is planning to walk away and gifts at this point may feel like a desperate attempt. I guess it would depend on the gifts. I would absolutely love gifts that are from the heart and are emotionally driven, rather than just some materials that I like in my daily life. It would have to be meaningful. My fiancée has kept every card I have every given him, letters and even reminder notes with my iconic goofy little fun drawings that I draw to make him smile. Seeing those in a box along with honest letters would pull at my heart strings for sure, not perfume or flowers etc. So again, it would depend on the type of gifts.

 

I agree with that. My husband's love language does happen to be gifts and he has given me some really surprisingly thoughtful gifts over the years!

I do agree that gifts aren't something that's going to fix all her pain. And honest communication via the letters is probably going to be the most helpful thing. It is, after all, at the root of the problem: lies and lack of intimacy/communication due to PMO.

I do think, however, that some thoughtful gifts would be OK to add in there. Not, probably, like @MsPants said, cliché gifts, but meaningful gifts. I think maybe @AllanTheCowboy even said he made some of the gifts? Not sure what that would be but it sounds promising.

 

@AllanTheCowboy I agree that if you have made gifts that are emotionally based and meaningful to your relationship with your wife, then they may help her see that you have only been thinking about her during your entire separation. That, along with letters with content that I and what @fupornwife have said would matter, may allow her to feel the emotional side of things and realize that you are in this and committed to proving that she is your only choice. If she decides that she may be willing to work on things, let her read all of your posts on this site. You have professed recognition of where you wronged her and your marriage and you are absolutely right. If she is willing to read your posts, she will see that you were not saying things for her to believe, you were posting to total strangers and opening up about your new insights. That may also help her trust your attempts.

 

How funny! I used to text him funny quotes or cheesy inspirational quotes during the day.

 

I bet he cherished those messages, even if he never said so. I found all of the things I've written to him in a drawer. He never told me he kept them. A couple days after I asked him to leave, he admitted that he saw one of my little drawings on a reminder note he asked me to write for him (just a random thing he needed to remember) and it made him cry when he saw it. He never cries. It shows how much he truly does apreciate and loves me for me, he just can't say it much.

 

If I saw a box full of gifts and letters I would see it as a sign of him trying. I had suggested to my ex to keep a journal with all the things he wished to tell me but couldn't while we were apart. That was before I found out about his addiction. If he is doing that, that would really give him some points because that would mean he listed to me. If the gifts are things that mean something and not just shinny expensive stuff that would mean a lot too.
I have a journal where I tag things that I wished I could tell him. Mostly silly stuff that I would usually share with him etc. I hope one day I can give it to him so he can know that I was thinking of him constantly, and that not all my thoughts were about his addiction or betrayal.
Like the other SOs have mentioned, we all are trying to recover from betrayal trauma. We have been hurt by the one person who we trusted to never hurt us, to keep us safe, to love us, to be honest, to build a family, a life, a future. When that crashes and burns all we want to do is find safety. For some of us it means staying away from our SOs.
My ex and I have been apart about 90% of the time for the last 4 months. It's been hell but I still have hope for us.
I would guess that your SO needed to find a safe place. Maybe if you showed her how much you have changed/worked on to beat this addiction she could be open to talk about your relationship.
I for one would like to see my ex show me evidence that he is doing better in school, that he finally knows when he will be graduating exactly (none of this "I think I just need 2 more semesters" bullshit, him choosing a major that would lead to a good career so he can be financially stable, having a plan that he's been implementing to tackle his addiction (he has been seeing a therapist) but I don't think that's enough, him telling me what he sees in our future (will we be married? have kids? if so how many? in how many years?). Details, I need details. None of this "I don't know, I think" bullshit. In my eyes, if he did all of this then I could finally start to trust him again. Because that would mean he is sticking to his word. Something he hasn't done.
So if your SO ever mentioned for you to do something, that would be the perfect place to start. And letters letting her know how much you are trying to get better for yourself (because hopefully you have realized how much you have lost while in the fog), hopefully she knows the entire truth by now otherwise let her know. (One of the worst things for us is to find out things little by little, because it makes us relive the trauma and begin the whole healing cycle all over, which is hell!) then she might feel safe again in her home.
Also acknowledge her pain. I can see my ex build walls when he sees me crying because I know he can't handle accepting he has hurt me so much. I hope he can one day, because it sucks so much to not have your SO show empathy. I hear him say he is sorry multiple times but I don't feel it.
I do wish you luck and hope your SO is open to at least talk about your relationship. I believe that anyone on here who is really trying to get help and being successful at overcoming/handling this addiction deserves a second chance.
I hope my post makes sense. I have a migraine, nice little thing I've acquired with this craziness. But I'm hopeful they will go away soon. It's all part of the healing process I'm told...(by my doc and therapist)
Good luck

 

@AllanTheCowboy I don't want to give you hope if there is none and I do not know exactly what she is thinking. I am just wondering if she really is holding on to something because she is not proceeding with the divorce herself. When you want a divorce, you will go forward and not sit and wait for the other person to do it. I hope for your sake and her own that she is reading all of your posts and blog. Maybe she is quietly waiting for confirmation from your writing that you are changing and dedicated to fixing yourself and your relationship with her. I know that I would never wait for an ex spouse to begin divorce proceedings when I am the one who left and made the conscious decision that I want a divorce.
Just my thoughts. I hope there is something behind waiting for you to "do what she wants".

 

I've been reading your posts for a few months now Allan and it breaks my heart. I think there are a ton of wives who would love to have a husband like you who has searched his heart and soul for answers and has had the courage to make the necessary changes to get rid of his addiction and fix his relationships. I keep hoping for a happy ending to your story, and when I first saw the title of your thread I thought that maybe, finally she was giving you a chance. I think everyone on here has seen your desire to reconcile with your wife and how you are willing to do anything to make that happen. And it looks like the sitting and waiting that you're doing is the cruelest form of torture to your soul. Don't give up hope but be careful of obsessing too much and creating another mental dysfunction. We're all cheering for you so keep your spirits up my friend!

 

I get it lol. I'm always on the lookout to see if my EX is on here, if he's finally made that move...

 

I think the same thing

 

It's a comfort to know I'm not alone in hoping... Thank you for being on here and just being you. It helps me than I can say right now.