is my husband being truthful?

@Sadness7 I'm sorry you had a bad experience with your question. Some people think they are being helpful but are actually making the situation worse. Men need to be extra, EXTRA, EXTRA careful about posting in this folder. The goal should be to nurture and support the spouse... never to question their motivations. I sometimes will refer women from the NoFap subreddit to this folder to get some good advice and here I see some terrible advice being given!

Your question is extremely valid and is at the heart of all relationships with an addict - can I trust him? A spouse who has been betrayed will naturally retreat to a position where she feels safe. Withholding trust is a matter of protecting yourself. The moment you start to trust again you make yourself vulnerable to being injured.

When an addict asks their SO to help them get better it becomes a double edged sword. If the addict stops cold turkey then the couple can heal together and bring them closer together. But if the addict continues to be secretive, vindictive, or continues to have relapses then the SO is betrayed again and again and there is no healing - only more damage.

When an addict does something to break the trust in a relationship then it becomes the addict's responsibility to fix it. If he doesn't have the answers then he needs to find the answers. Even if he's telling the truth, he is still not making you feel safe and worthy of your trust. Recovery is more than abstaining from porn... an addict has to change his thinking, his beliefs, his actions, and his behavior. Those changes are not invisible. It's obvious to anyone who is watching. A man who is truly recovering will appear like a new person. Even if he is struggling in the beginning there should be an openness or humility that is apparent. You know your husband better than we do and it seems that he's not giving you anything to inspire hope.

Sometimes when an addict asks a spouse for help it's not because they are actually looking to get better. Sometimes they appear to ask for help to manipulate the spouse into giving them what they want. Your other posts didn't mention how long he's been an addict... you have a few kids so I figure he's been doing this for a very long time. But long term addicts have several late stage identifiers - for instance, they don't want to be alone, they don't want their spouse to go out, they are terrified that you will leave them and they will be abandoned. They will manipulate you into not leaving. They may even act like a child and act emotionally needy and turn you into their mother. They may even talk about suicide - it may be a real threat or it may be a manipulation ploy. Just remember that your husband has had years of practice manipulating you. Recognize his behavior for what it is - selfish!

Please don't drive yourself crazy trying to fix him. You can be helpful and supportive but you are not responsible for his recovery. A recovering addict should recognize that he is solely responsible for his recovery and will not blame the spouse for any lack of progress. I hope you can find some comfort in my thoughts and find the support in this forum that you need.

 

Nope, sorry. She only said that because she was being attacked and was upset. She asked a question looking for support and help and it was suggested she go to the gym and make herself more attractive to her PMO addict husband. THAT's what the problem was.

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I always appreciate your comments and I am so glad you stepped in to say something in this thread. It felt like sharks were circling because they smelled blood in the water!

 

Oh really? Because she was NOT the first person to say that. She said that in frustration in reponse to this CRAP.

 

His comment was crap, and I told him as much. But I didn't report it. Just because it's crap doesn't necessarily mean it crossed a line. I reported the comments that were deleted.

 

I do care, and I feel tremendously sad for the PMO addicts being so confrontational to and about women on this thread. You have sat, with your dick in your hand, fucking yourself to P that is degrading to women, probably for years and it has ruined your ability to have any empathy or caring toward women. I don't know you, but based on the way you have talked to women on this thread, I recommend you get off porn, it is turning you into an animal, someone who is unable to access that high thinking part of your brain that can tell right from wrong. My guess is that you feel it, that is why you are here. Get more days under your belt, clean from porn, do some research, heal your brain. Until then, stopspreading around your toxic opinions here on this thread. I don't want to get into an altercation with you all, most people here at NoFap are looking for peace and some answers, but I can't in good conscious let this attack of @fupornwife go by without coming to her defense. If you have read any posts from her you would see that she has been very supportive of others journey toward a life free of PMO, in a kind and non judgemental way. Please just stop.

 

I agree with with you @oreogirl and @fupornwife. I don't think those who are attacking have recovered their empathy abilities. Let's just hope they take your posts and let them sink in so they can learn from them. It is hard to tell it like it is. Maybe that's what addicts really need. Either way if people don't like the post report it if need be or just move on.
None of us need any more negativity. Especially us SOs. Most of us SOs are on a shitty emotional roller coaster that we can't get out of. Others lack of empathy just make the freaking drop zones that much higher. So please think before you post

 

Haha, get a bunch of SO's, not able to sleep, whose world's have been turned upside down by this disease, and you PMO addicts better watch out. Kid gloves are off. This is a shitty club to belong to, but I am glad I have found others here at NoFap who are supporting my journey, that is happening simultaneously with my PMO addict husband's story. Wild roller coaster ride is right, best of luck to you sadness7.

 

I have felt very supported by both men and women on NoFap. I have learned a lot about PMO addiction from men here on this site, and I appreciate it immensely. Funny that you should write back @A.W, I looked you up when you left that comment to me yesterday, and yes I thought you were rude and it was unnessassary, and I read your posts, and a bit of your story, and it was good for me. It reminded me that we all have a story, and you are dealing with this horrible addiction and trying to heal, and my judging you based on a comment on a thread was not right. This is a horrible road to travel, and like it or not we are traveling it together, I sincerely wish you the best, and a fast recovery, I wouldn't wish the weight of PMO addiction on anyone.

 

Guys, I get how hard it is to hear the pain coming from these women, but it's pain we could have caused just as easily as their husbands and boyfriends did. We spew all kinds of crap all over all the time. And look where they are and what they're doing to try to help their SO's, and heal themselves. Look how hard that's got to be. As hard as it is to lose yourself to porn, try watching porn steal away someone you care about even more than yourself. She needs to sound off? Let her. You aren't in a place where you can handle that? Don't read these threads.

Men and women both, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together.

 

On that pleasant note, I am signing off, @AllanTheCowboy, I always appreciate your posts, right to the heart of the matter.

 

That is very empathetic of you and a generally just a nice thing to say. I am female porn addict myself, and I don't see how anyone who is an addict can even remotely try to blame someone's spouse's appearance pushing them to porn. Our addiction, like all other addictions, is a selfish one. Someone who is doing all they can to be there for their loved one and help them fight against this selfish porn addiction needs support, and they have it here. I'm rooting for us all too, and Sadness7 I'm glad to see the positive changes you and your husband are making!

 

I'm not sure if you've joined the SOs group, if you haven't you should. We are a good bunch and we do have our funnies too, not just sad stuff

 

Thank you Allan. That's how I've always felt. I've tried to support both sexes here at nofap and I have gotten a lot of support from both as well. I'm going to try to refocus on that.

 

You are absolutely right on that. Thanks for pulling me back to that.