13 Days - Observations

I just want to start out by saying this isn't even close to what I'd consider the "finish line," (I'm aiming for 90 days). But I do think it's good to recognize progress when it's visible. And in the end the system of "streaks" is just a method for lifelong progress.

So that said, I've reached my 13th day in my current streak, and I've made a few observations. They're subtle things, but I'd say somewhat consistent with reports of "superpowers."

For one, I'm a lot more chill. There's not the crazy anxiety that makes me rethink my entire life like I often have. I think I'm slowly learning my own limitedness, and it's freeing. Because I realize I'm just one among many in this world, but at the same time I'm unique and valuable.

I'm also noticing a lot more. I went out this afternoon and sat outside at Starbucks, and all my senses really seemed more alert. I was able to appreciate the chirping of the sparrows, the flowing water in the fountain, the taste of my iced coffee. Even the blue sky and the bright green of the trees seemed more vivid. I was just content to sit there at the picnic table and take it all in.

Later I went to my eye exam and to pick up new contacts. And I noticed that the receptionist was kind of attractive. Before I probably wouldn't have noticed because my mind would just categorize her as a receptionist, and ignore the details. And she wasn't absolutely gorgeous like so many women in porn are. So I made some decent small talk with her. If it'd gone on a little longer I probably would have flirted a little, but I don't mind that I didn't. (Remember, more chill. I might have felt regret at not doing so before, but right now it really doesn't matter.)

When I got my eye exam I had a good chat with the doctor. We talked about how we drink our coffee, and college. And I didn't feel awkward talking to him as I would have in the past. It was just second nature to make small talk and enjoy it in a subtle way.

So those are my observations. I just feel a tad bit more alive, and more comfortable in my own skin. I should mention too that I was able to make it to morning Mass too. (I'm Catholic.) And later I stopped in to the chapel to pray. And being in a state of grace is part of it too. I'll have to remember this feeling of serenity next time I'm tempted.

I've had long streaks before, and felt a few of these changes, but I feel like this time is different. My physical access to Porn is pretty much 100% blocked, and I think there's really a cause for hope. Good luck everyone!

 

The more I realize my limitedness the more I can surrender to the will of God and be truly happy. We are miserable because our pride seeks to put our will contrary to God's, and thus we go against our very nature. As soon as we realize we are nothing we can become everything. If I surrender myself completely to Christ I can become Christ and therefore be most fully myself. Life is not absurd. Life is infinitely meaningful, but our hearts are hardened by sin and we are blind to truth.

And it is a paradox that everyone is unique, but it is true. All these things appear to be contradictions. But Catholicism, unlike Zen, does not believe in contradictions that are contrary to reason, but that are above reason. The more in touch one is with God the more they intuitively know the truth of these statements.