I’m going for it

Hey all,

I’m starting the 90 day challenge! Had my last relapse on Sunday and all the usual effects since then, like tension in the lower body and back, shame, low energy, despair about the future, etc. This pain is not worth it. I need a supportive and knowledgeable community to keep myself accountable to. I’m glad you guys are here.

I started with porn around age 10. It became an addiction at around 13 when I got the internet at home. I’m in my early 30s now. I can go for a week, even two without PMO, but then it comes back with a vengeance. I’m the kind of addict who goes for the extremes. In my teens it got the point where it was hard to get aroused without some kind of extreme content. And I need to give myself extreme sensations too, sometimes causing damage to my body. I want to leave all that in the past. I want more balance in my sexuality. I want to learn to see it as the beautiful gift that it is, not something I do in the dark, in shame and in fantasy. I want to learn to share it with others, to love another human being and feel real intimacy.

Probably the main issue beneath my addiction is social adjustment problems since coming to a new country in my teens. I’ve struggled with social anxiety, isolation, depression, despair. Like all addicts, underneath there’s a deep feeling of worthlessness, low self-esteem and self-loathing. Most of my life I felt ashamed of my sexuality and tried to act asexual in my daily life. I was compulsive about academics and perfectionism of all kinds. A few years ago after a major perceived failure I gave up all my career and relationship prospects. I spiraled out in isolation and depression. I gave up almost all my friendships, but PMO stayed on like a “good buddy” and a “helping hand”. What a lie. Every time I turned on the porn it fooled me that I was connecting with a real human being. This connection is what I was missing and really longed for. But it was all an illusion. I was actually alone, all by myself, just me and the screen, stuck in my fantasy world, unable to get through the confusing emotions that ran me down, not even a clue what I was feeling. Porn made my isolation and depression a lot worse and turned me away from people even more.

I have a lot of respect for you guys who are trying to kick this habit, especially the young guys out there. I wish I knew what you guys know when I was your age, and I wish I’d had the willpower to try what you guys are trying. You’re doing yourselves, your future spouse and kids, and all the rest of us a huge favour. Even if you relapse, keep coming back and keep trying. Like my old 12-step sponsor used to say, “If you fall off the horse, just get right back on and keep going.” I know that’s what I’m going to try and do.

What can I say about porn after almost 20 years of use? I’ve had girlfriends, but porn has been by far my longest, most intense and most intimate ‘relationship’. I wish I could say something different for myself, but I can’t. Most of what I thought I knew about women - what they’re like, how they think, what they want, how they act - came from porn, and it was a lie. Most of what I thought I knew about men also came from porn. In my teens I secretly admired the porn actors that I watched, tried to look and even act like them. I thought this was how a ‘real man’ was supposed to be. For me this became a recipe for ending up isolated, resentful and depressed, filled with fear, anxiety and indecision. Not exactly your picture-perfect ‘real man’. I had no idea how to achieve intimacy with another human being, and even the basics of dating were beyond me. Why get out of my comfort zone and learn, if there’s a quick fix waiting in my room 24/7, right? Only, porn doesn’t fix anything. It makes all your issues deeper and harder to deal with. It takes whatever difficulties you have in life and amplifies them through your sex drive. And it ruins what’s probably the most beautiful gift you have in this life, your power to love and create. That’s what it did for me, anyway. I feel cheated and betrayed by porn, by all the men and women involved in it and by the lies that they taught me at a time when I couldn’t know better.

Now I know that a real man lives with purpose and integrity, has empathy and consideration for others and gives up the quick fix for a greater good. That’s what really makes a person happy in this life. Everything else is an illusion. It took me years to learn this. This is the kind of person that I want to be today.

I know all this in my mind, but putting it into practice is a different story. Porn short-circuited my willpower and added to my indecision. That’s why I need to be here and use this community’s resources. Porn is bigger than me, and I need help to kick the habit. I can’t do it on my own. There’s no shame in admitting that. Thanks to all of you for being here and reading this, and thanks to the founders. What a great service you’ve done for all of us. I’m looking forward to the challenge.

 

Thanks for the encouragement, guys.