Fear and anxiety rule my life... (Questions...) (extreme NSFW/NSFL) (Trigger warnings...)

Hey there everyone, thank you taking the time to read this, because I'm really in need of help and feel so incredibly alone in all of this...

Again...as a TRIGGER WARNING, some of what I'm going to explain here is EXTREMELY NSFL/NSFW...I hope it's alright to divulge this here...if it is not, please feel free to delete it or report it as I'm not trying to cause harm or uneasiness for anyone in this community....

...I'm a 26 year old openly gay guy and have been attempting to get my life together concerning my sexuality and infatuation with porn....to get right to the point....I'm someone who experienced some sexual trauma at a pretty young age, and it completely ruined my life...at a young age (around 12, I was 6th grade I believe) the beauty of sexual expression that I often hear discussed by my friends and others was completely ruined for me...I have ALWAYS had intense fears of sex, intimacy, of my own body and this lead into extreme drug addiction and confusion with my sexuality later in life. by age 19 I was a full blown (IV/Needle using) heroin addict...I also had parents that weren't exactly supportive of my identity, and even to this day I still hear my stepfathers voice telling me that I'm a piece of shit...I started watching porn at a pretty young age as I was curious with my body and stimulation...I've never considered myself a person "addicted" to porn as I've never put porn in front of other responsibilities in life...since I have had complete shame and guilt surrounding myself, every single sexual experience I have had with someone has been horrible....I've never -not a single time in my life- had an erection during sex with anyone...I always had to lie and tell them I was on medication that made it so I was unable to maintain an erection...I've also never had any type of sexual experience completely sober...I've always had to be completely fucked up on alcohol or drugs to even muster the strength to be "comfortable" being naked with another person...every time the sexual experience with the other person ended, I would have to race home and masturbate because my body was still stimulated...a couple years ago at age 23 I was introduced to crystal meth and this is when my problems with porn and sexuality became extremely worse...I acted out sexually in disgusting ways and would have orgies with random men, sometimes 5 men at a time, and I would let them penetrate me because I've always thought that I'm a faggot and that my role as a gay man is to let guys penetrate me...honestly...I don't even like how it feels....again, every time it's over, I would have to race home and masturbate alone because it was the only way I would have an erection...even when I was being intimate with someone one-on-one, I would have to force my mind to fantasize about pornography...it was shortly after the meth was introduced into my life, I became really addicted to watching bestiality porn, at this point "regular" porn wasn't doing it anymore, and only really extreme BDSM or other fetish pornography was able to stimulate me....I'm sober now and have been for quite some time (almost a year sober from all forms of alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs)...but I still have a repulsive connection with porn....sometimes I cry about it all because it's essentially IMPOSSIBLE for me to be open with another person sexually...I have so much fear and anxiety about getting involved with other men, that I avoid them all together....I just sit in my room alone and masturbate because it's the only was I feel comfortable....I've never been in a legitimate relationship before....I've never even put my penis into another person before (you could say that I'm technically a virgin?)....I feel disgusted with myself at this point because I still fantasize about bestiality porn and after I masturbate I sometimes vomit because I'm so disgusted with myself......a few years ago (as if things couldn't get worse...) while I was doing the drugs, I got involved with a man who turned out to be a pedophile...whenever we would have sex he would constantly talk about how he had sex with children and how he even raped a child and would do it again....as someone with sexual trauma from a young age, this left me with the most repulsive feelings in my heart...I can't believe that I somehow got mixed up with a person like this...as an escape from all of it...I secluded and attached myself primarily to my already perverted attachments with pornography....I can't even imagine becoming romantically involved with someone at this point because of all that has happened...I don't feel safe with myself and I've never ever felt safe emotionally nor sexually with anyone before....I'm so scared to even give up porn because it's been my only saving grace in terms of comfort, but I can see now that it has become my enemy....all of this NoFap stuff has me even more fearful because now I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt for even masturbating at all, I can't handle these feelings anymore and I just don't know what to do....I know that I'm putting my self at risk by even mentioning that type of perverted stuff I've watched, and I can't get these images out of my mind...I just don't know what to do...I want to start this healing journey but just don't know how to find the confidence or support to do so...a part of me feel that I need to see a professional to help me heal from all the sexual trauma that I've experience throughout my life, but I'm honestly just not in a position where I can afford to do something like that...

Is this place appropriate in terms of these issues I'm facing?
Should I be feeling guilt for randomly coming across pictures of naked bodies online?
Should I be feeling shame for experience sensations of "horniness"?
Are there any other resources of help available?
Does anyone here have experience in these delicate matters?

I'm very grateful for any help that anyone has to offer here, thank you taking the time to read this and offer any support!

 

Thanks for getting back to me @fupornwife your words are very uplifting for me at this point, everything you said has definitely given me some ease (I've also been spending some time reading the experiences others have shared here in the community and I already feel such a sense of relief and don't feel completely alone and lost in all of this)...and thanks for the heads up on the trigger/language material, I'll be sure to be gentle with it in the future...

You know...I went through some of these issues with my Sobriety sponsor and he was helpful in suggesting this EDMR therapy, I have actually never heard of it before, I will look into it further...I've had a few sessions of counseling in my teenage years, and also intensive therapy during my Rehab experience in 2010, but I actually never really mentioned any of these sexually related traumas in specific detail...I have done a lot of healing over this past year, but I am finally at a point where I know that these traumas of mine must be healed if I am to ever discover things like self-acceptance, love, forgiveness, compassion, and intimacy.

Thank you for the SAA recovery references as well! I'm actually reading a book right now called "Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred" and it's providing a lot of helpful insight for me as it guides me delicately through the dynamics of sexuality...I will explore the possibility of attending one of these meetings, possibly one online?

 

yeah most definitely @Masquerade I would appreciate that! Any helps or insight from others is incredibly supportive for me at this time

 

Hey @fupornwife that's great to hear about your success with EDMR therapy, that's very helpful information!, I don't know if I'll be able to do it anytime soon due to financial struggles, but knowing that this is a possibility definitely gives me peace that I can move into the next stage of my life with help, support, and guidance.