Hi Where to start....been with my husband since I was 17 (14 years together). I have felt for the last 2 years he was hiding something from me. I started noticing secretive behaviour around passwords to his ipad/phones etc which initially sparked suspicion that he was hiding something. I NEVER suspected porn ever! After 2 long years of probing, the signs were so obvious he couldnt come up with anymore good lies to throw me off the scent. Getting him to admit his porn use was literally like squeezing blood from a stone. The 12 years I had known him prior it's always been something he's said he has never gotten into, other then accidentally coming across it at age 14....he says he never accessed it until 2 years ago. I have a feeling he is still not coming clean about the extent of his porn habits....I find it hard to believe he just decided to get full blown into it only 2 years ago, he vows he never accessed it once prior. The other thing I found were a couple of messages to other women via Facebook (women not on his friends list and names I didn't recognise) he was basically fishing for an affair. The other thing I can't get passed is I ended up contracting herpes out of the blue 2 years ago...for those that don't know much about herpes there are 2 types....I had type 1 which can be passed from a mouth coldsore to the genitals via oral sex....so I figured this must have been how I got it....although I haven't noticed my husband to have coldsores. But the timing though right??? We have been have oral sex for 14 years.....would I have not caught it sooner? He keeps saying I found out all there is to know ( he watches porn, and sent 2 messages) but he only admits to what I know for certain. I can't get past this feeling that there might be more. He also says he will get a lie detector done to prove he never physically cheated....I dont know how I feel about these? My mind can't let it go....I feel as though I don't know this man anymore and the trust has been completely destroyed with all his lying. Does it sound as though there could be more he's not telling me? He is going through a 12 step program but he says he's not an addict, but was on the verge of being one? I don't know what to do.....I just want honesty.....that's all I want....sigh.....does it sound like he's still lying? The other night he broke down crying and said there is nothing else....apparently the porn and the two messages i happened to stumble across is absolutely all there is to it....don't know what to do, I don't believe him anymore and i've lost confidence in myself
I'm so sorry you're in this situation but glad you found nofap. I'll add you to our private group for SOs for additional support. No one, except your husband, can tell you for sure if he's lying. But from what you've written I think you already know the answer. Trust your gut. In my case there was more things my husband wasn't telling me, but it was stuff he wasn't even being honest with himself about. Such as the fact that he was objectifying women and fantasizing, even after he gave up P. It's a very good thing that he's going through a 12 step program. Ultimately, he has to be ready to do the work to change. You can support him, yes, but you need to remember two things. 1. Take care of you. I highly recommend individual counseling for you. Keep in mind not every counselor is a good fit for every client. If you don't click, move on to a new one. 2. You didn't cause this. It's not your fault in any way and you aren't responsible for fixing it. I recommend you consider FANOS, nonsexual cuddling and possibly karezza to rebuild your marriage, see links in my signature. (If you're on a phone, turn it sideways to see it.)
Yes!!!! I wish I found this site months ago!!!! I can't bring myself to cuddle or be close with him yet as hes still does things that indicates he's just not getting it. Plus, I still feel that more has happened so until he can be honest I don't think we'll get to that stage. Thanks for your reply though, so good to finally meet people that understand what this is like....and that it is actually a big deal even if your not religious. I always hated that most porn recovery info out there was religious based which made it seem like it was only an issue if you were religious. I almost felt as though there must be something wrong with me for reacting the way I have....and why can't I just accept it like other women....but that's so false and probably some idea fed to women from the porn industry that we need to accept it......anyway I'm ranting now!! Time for bed!!!
Me too. My husband first told me 7 years ago and nothing like this existed. But I wish I'd found it sooner. On not being able to cuddle yet, I get it. For me, I needed to cuddling because it was something I hadn't been getting due to his P induced desire for instant gratification. Cuddling was brief and only a means to get to sex. The first time we did 30 minutes scheduled cuddling, I bawled my eyes out because I was so upset that we'd deteriorated to needing to schedule cuddling. Plus, he felt like an unresponsive stone. I felt the same way about the religious sites, and I am religious. I always thought there was nothing wrong with porn, all consenting adults, right? Then I finally found out what was destroying our marriage: porn. And I started to learn about how awful the P industry is for the actors.
I agree with fupornwife that you should trust your gut. All of us SOs have convinced ourselves that there was something wrong with us, rather than listen to our gut, which has turned out to be true for most of us. Your husband doesn't sound like he is ready to admit to himself that he has an addiction, therefore he can't admit things to you. Once he does that, he will be more homest with himself and with you. You do need to take care of yourself, and therapy definitely helps us deal with our own emotions regarding this addiction. I don't think we will ever get all of the answers we are looking for, but at least we can help ourselves to heal and gain strength by taking care of ourselves. I am sorry you are going through this, it is so hard to be the partner of an addict because we have no control in many aspects if our relationship when they are still in their porn trapped mind. It does get better when we face this issue together with our partner. I hope his 12step program will open his eyes and clear the porn fog so that he can let you in and begin fighting this together.
He is lying like Oedipus, the original m*****f***er. I can completely relate to this. Only got into it 2 years ago? Pull the other one. It's got bells on. Let me ask you something. If he told you that he had been watching porn where "petite" women dress up as very young children, get urinated on and have anal sex with animals, what would you think of him? You'd be revolted and disgusted, right? If you have kids of your own, you might seriously consider divorcing him and maybe reporting him as a possible sex offender. This is exactly what he wants to avoid. An addict lies. Lying lets us rationalize, lets us compartmentalize, lets us try to "keep the peace" and the status quo ... and from our view, it protects the people that we love from learning things that would horrify them. I don't know what your husband's particular kinks are. But I can guarantee you that they are there, and they are probably horrible and deeply shameful for him. What you have noticed on Facebook might be him "acting out" and trying to satisfy those porn-induced, porn-fuelled urges in reality. It's not a step that everyone takes. But it happens. Asking him what exactly, how exactly, where exactly, how many exactly, all of these things .... it will just bring out more lies. If he answered truthfully then he would have to admit to seeing, and getting off using, some absolutely horrible things. It is easier to admit such things to complete strangers on NoFap than it is to admit them to someone whose opinion you respect and whom you love. Especially if that person might not understand the cycles of guilt, shame, unhappiness, relapse, ... The only useful question for him that I can think of at this stage is this one: Are you ready to get help? If the answer is no, then ask the SOs group what to do ... I have no good advice in this situation. If the answer is yes, then there are places to seek that help. NoFap obviously, but also Reboot Nation and other places. If he joins, then like an alcoholic he will probably slip and slide a bit. We each have our triggers and moments of weakness. But we support each other, and we are better each day. Some here have been free of porn for years! Maybe you can help him through his recovery (which will be a life long process!), and other spouses have done that successfully, but as for me ... I have not started this journey with my wife, and I don't think that my wife would understand how to support me. So maybe ask on the SOs group about that, too... One day, when he understands his compulsions and addictions better, he might open up to you. It is easier to tell the whole story truthfully when it is in the past. But first, he has to make a new future, and put all of that porn use into the past. I wish you both the best!
I can't say anything about your husband, but I can tell you about me. I didn't tell my wife everything, until I had almost completely destroyed our marriage. What I held back, I held back (1) because the addiction protects itself and this includes twisting your sense of logic so you're able to convince yourself that the secrecy and lies make sense, and (2) because I thought the things I was holding back were so horrible that she would never look at me again. In short, I did a cost benefit analysis (which is the wrong way to make such decisions) about coming clean vs. not coming clean. I calculated that coming clean would end my marriage, and continuing to lie, I could fix the problems on my own, and then it would be like they never happened. I also convinced myself that I was saving my wife from the pain of knowing, and that all of this was, in large part, altruistically motivated. The thing is, I believed that. I'm not defending myself at all; all of this was absolutely wrong. But I did believe I was doing some of it out of love. It's an absolute disaster inside the addicted mind. I don't know if your husband is anything like me, but this is what was going on for me. Hopefully some of it helps you.
thanks so much for your reply......it really does help hearing things from the perspective of the porn addict......at least if i can't get into his head i am able to get a clearer picture through the help of you guys!!! its such a huge huge help. As hard as some of it is to hear, i need to know it so i can make decisions for myself and our sons. So sucks to be in this position but also helps having a clearer understanding of his way of thinking.
I can't thank you enough for all of the above and your honesty.....it helps so much to hear your perspective and i can understand now why he's lying!! i agree with the two year thing!!! i would say its been going on for the majority of our 12 year marriage and probably before he even meet me. I would say its only the last 2 years things have gotten out of hand for him as all the sneaking around was becoming too obvious for me to ignore. Before that it might have only been an occasional thing for him.....but i would say judging by his behavior it was becoming a daily habit.....although he has told me at its VERY worst he was watching it 3 times a week.......another lie i'm thinking?!!!! I'm still young and have always looked after myself so couldn't understand why he was always semi soft in the bedroom, now it totally makes sense!!!! thats a sure sign he must have been doing it way more....although he was ALWAYS up for it?? never ever turned me down. Who knows, i guess its different for everyone. Anyway i hope you get to a place where your able to open up to your wife....it might come as a huge relief to her. I know that feeling of knowing somethings up (and i'm pretty sure deep down she will know) but wanting to believe what your being told because you don't want to believe what your heart already knows. Its a really exhausting thing to go through living with that kind of emotional conflict. And the longer it goes on, the worst the impact!!! trust me!!! i feel as though my husband died...its awful. I heard a women liken the feeling to be stripped naked in front of a room full of people, and everyones pointing and laughing at you....thats how it feels for the wife of a porn addict, and the longer she goes on with that internal conflict (of knowing but in denial) the larger the room and crowd will feel if that makes sense. If you are struggling getting clean on your own coming clean with your wife might be something you really need to consider doing, as hard as it will be!!. Porn thrives off secrecy and sometimes having those you love know about it can be the only way out.....or so i've heard.......i wish you the best of luck on your journey, you can doooo iiiit
I started watching porn (magazines) as a teen, before the internet. Got married twice, porn "accompanied me" all these years, with the added content the internet provided. I lived a different situation, where my wife knew all about it and I was not hiding anything. It was a way to get extra sex. She even kept pretending all was well, although she developed an "allergy" to me lol. Until after 18 years of this she decided to say its enough. And then I stopped and seek help. It could have costed me my marriage. She has been helping me a lot since, and we talk more, cuddle more, etc...
