Let's Try Rebooting

Hello, my name is Andrea and I'm italian (so, please, forgive me if my english is not perfect). When I found out this site I was inspired continuing this challenge which I started one month ago. I quitted pornography for about two weeks and, woah...life was beautiful! I couldn't believe it!

Unfortunately, I began fapping again after a hard break-up with my partner (4 years of an insane and sick relationship with a bad sexual life for my addiction). I'm trying so hard to motivate myself but it is not easy. I feel depressed, anxiety devours me (sometimes I feel like i'm going crazy, like losing my sense of reality). I've been fapping for over 10 years (I'm 23, began when i was 12).

I could sincerely say that I built up my beliefs about sexuality mainly using porn. I had a troubled childhood (my parents divorced when I was 5 and my mother went through deep depression) so I always thought that world was not a good place to live, you can't trust anyone...(etc). So I learnt to "transform pain in pleasure". That means that my sexual fantasies are based on a sadomasochistic point of view. Well, for that I accepted my nature and I attend a psychologist. But, you know, masturbation for me is like a "negative reassurance", a way to contain my anguish and my failings. But it is not a healthy container. I'm abusing it and I got addicted! Anyway, now that I found out that without porn life is fantastic, I'm feeling like "i'm not well when i'm feeling well, i want to be a victim continuing feeling bad!".

My mind always weaves so many tricks to make my addiction continue: depression, losing attention, weakness and fatigue, fear of becoming crazy, depersonalizations, derealizations, dark and incestuous fantasies (such as making sex with my mother), obsessions and so on...

Fortunately i have been through a nicotine addiction (and got out of it) and I recognize that many symptoms are in common so I can handle it. But sometimes I have to admit that this addiction is much stronger and rooted inside me. It is like a strong part of my identity, as I said before, my view of sexuality and of the other sex is basically ruled by porn.

BUT, I also have to report some positive experiences concerning the two "clean weeks".

Well, I began seeing reality, and...wow! That was beautiful! My self-esteem raised up to the heavens, a realistic view of the other sex, I was social, open, full of ideas! It was like "I'm a superhuman! I can do anything! I'm smart, social, sexy...i restored the relationships with my family in only one week! I fixed so many problems that I was carriying on my back for decades! I was reactive, well, I was "getting high on life".

Recently I converted to the SGI's Buddhism (Soka Gakkai) and the whole religious community and practices are helping me a lot. In september my psychologist will come back from holidays and I'll discuss my problem adopting a more profound approach. I signed up on this site because I think that reading others experiences and confronting with people sharing my same problem can be helpful.

Before, I thought that porn addiction was only a fake, that masturbation was normal (and I still believe that way...but only if practiced without abusing it and with common sense). Now I'm aware that I have a problem. Solving it means getting back my life. Solving it means to restore my sexual identity. Solving it means to consider women for what they are: human beings. I'll pray for anyone to pass this bad addiction and I hope that my thread could inspire or motivate someone just a little!

Let's get our lives back!

P.S. Sorry for my english! xD

 

Thank you Grekle and good luck! I hope we'll reach our goals!