So, my husband came home from a business trip. That night, we had a ED issue. I did not make a big deal out of it, nor did I bring up PIED. I am pretty sure it was PIED because he was gone for 5 days and 5 nights. He blamed it on being tired, too full, etc. He was able to finish he next two days were ok. We had a porn conversation during the time he was gone because something he did hurt my feelings. All Friday and weekend long, he kept telling me how glad he was to be home and how much he loved me and how lucky he was, blah blah blah ( I am really starting to not believe any of this mushy stuff anymore). In the past, I would have been gushing but this week I am not at all. Because I knew the cycle would start all over again and it did. Monday he had to come home from work early to sign some papers for the house. He was home at 1pm and finished the papers at 3pm. I propositioned him. I was turned down (as always). Today he says he is so busy at work but I admit, I looked at the cell phone data usage because of my spiderman 6th sense telling me differently. He watched about 1.5 hours of porn. There was about an hour watched yesterday right before he got home. I am praying for rock bottom. If one of my friends told me they were dating or married to a man that did all the stuff my husband has done, I would tell them to run. I'm tired of being mad and hurt. I have kept my mouth shut for about a month. I have not brought it up. I am seriously exhausted. I will keep praying for a miracle but I think by Christmas, I am considering leaving.
I'm so sorry. I know you said looking at the data was sort of obsessive to you and that's not healthy, and someone else warned you not to police him. But, honestly, if I had had access to that information, it would have helped me to know I wasn't crazy. I know you have talked to him many times before, but I think you need to sit him down, tell him about what you have learned here, what you are seeing in the data usage, and tell him that if things don't get better, you will have to leave. If you're comfortable with it, move into another room and don't have sex with him. (Again, to protect yourself.)
I know I should not put myself through this torture. I should not look. fupornwife, do you think men feel guilty. He must see the look on my face when he comes home and how hurt I am.
I agree with fupornwife that he needs to know what you have discovered about his addiction and what you have seen with his data. I didn't know my SO was using porn daily but when he had twice as much time to himself, he would binge and experience PIED and he didn't see a correlation to porn and ED during those binges. The only time he could finished with me was when we had a couple days together, otherwise he experienced delayed ejaculation (DE) the entire 5 years of our relationship. I wish I had figured it out sooner, because it really damaged our relationship and I was so confused about why he didn't really seem to care about sex at that time, always saying he was tired. Our sex life and also our relationship as a whole is almost 180° different now that he quit PM. It took him to hit rock bottom (moving out) before he finally came to terms with his addiction. He just moved back in after 3 months of living separately. Tell your husband that this addiction causes PIED and DE. Tell him that you are contemplating leaving him. He needs to open his eyes and realize that he is throwing your relationship away while he is in denial. My SO is so much happier now that he stopped PMO and happier than we have ever been. He admits now that he realizes that our relationship would have ended within a couple of years if I did not discover his addiction and he did not commit to recovery. Porn ruins love.
To answer your question, I don't think they feel guilt as much as they even say they do when they are in deep in porn. The guilt really hits hard for them when they quit. Porn smothers emotions and clouds their judgement. They may feel a bit of guilt but it's not enough to stop them for most addicts
What @MsPants said. The addiction is everything. It ignores anything that may get in the way of the next fix. Reading this book helped me understand. It talks about "self," which the addiction slowly destroys and addiction personality takes over. https://www.amazon.com/Addictive-Personality-Understanding-Compulsive-Behavior/dp/1568381298
If I didn't feel guilty, I wouldn't have lied about it. I knew about the connection between P and DE. I knew sometimes my wife would try to initiate intimacy, and that I should be ready for her. I knew P was fake. I knew it wasn't doing anything positive for me. I knew I should quit. I couldn't. It's an addiction. It made me ashamed, made me afraid, it made me hate myself, but I could not stop. It's so hard to understand from a healthy state of mind; if you don't want to do something, don't do it. If it hurts you, don't do it. If it makes you embarrassed, don't do it. But I also did want it, and while it hurt me, it also made me feel better, and while it did embarrass me, it also made me forget. And when I did try to quit, I felt so awful from withdrawals, and I didn't understand that they were withdrawals because it wasn't like P was heroin or tobacco (except it kind of is), and I didn't understand that the negative feelings of quitting would go away eventually, so it didn't feel worth it. Especially with the addicted mind trying to take the path of least resistance. I don't know your husband's story, what he's into, if he knows or even suspects he has a problem. All I know is, I knew I had a problem, but I didn't want to admit it to my wife because I was afraid of what she would do, and how much it would hurt her. I didn't know that letting it go on was hurting her more. Like the dozens of guys who come on here, trying to quit without telling their SOs, I thought I could just try harder and handle it myself. Some things that might be holding him back is the belief that looking at P is completely normal, and that his symptoms either cannot possibly be linked to his P use, or that he's having a freak reaction. Maybe if more guys knew that P was never great for guys, and that internet P is unprecedented in its destructive capacity, that PIED is a real thing with widespread impact, they would be more amenable to the possibility that they have a real, but curable, problem. He could also be afraid of what you might do if he admits it, or if you know the extent of his deviance. Maybe if he knew that you already know he has a problem, and that specification in increasingly perverted fetishes is common and does not reflect on his normal, healthy self, it might help him admit to you and himself that he has a problem. One thing is for certain, though. He does have a problem, and you can't fix it for him. If he refuses to own his addiction and fight for you, he doesn't deserve you. I do not believe in telling anyone what to do, but you should know that your situation will not change if he doesn't acknowledge the problem.
He flips flops. Sometimes admitting a problem and other times does not. Thinks I am overreacting all of the time. I quit bringing it up like he asked because he said the more I bring it up, the more he does it. He came yesterday and admitted he PMO'd. Unprovoked, I did not bring it up. I told him thanks for telling me the truth. I expressed that it would have been nice to have been with him instead. Nothing. So, I think he has to feel something. Some guilt. Here are some things I do know. He has cut down significantly because I have said numerous times that this was a problem. He has not quit though. Here is the other thing. He looks at it on a smoke break. Not PMO just viewing. I tried to explain that this was unusual because it is not like it has any cinematic quality. It is (to me at least) boring and a waste of time. Also, it prevents him from completing tasks at work. He has done it at times when sex was planned later that night to get pregnant. So, is it a problem. Most definitely. But he does not lock himself in the office at home to do it. He knows it bothers me. He has done it a few times while I was sleeping. Not many, maybe 5. But he does view it almost everyday at work, at least 4 out of 5 days. So, it is like I am put on the back burner for 5 days a week. We have a ovulation tracker that I am supposed to put in any lovemaking activities. Only on weekends and some weekends, maybe once. This is a person who is extremely affectionate so I know he wants an intimate relationship but this is really killing it for me. I want him to admit it whole heartedly. I may never get that. On a positive note, he did quit drinking when I asked him to and is talking about quitting smoking because it bothers me. So, there is hope. He knows he has an addictive personality. Admitting being addicted to the escort thing before we met and how destructive it was personally, financially, spiritually. He says it felt like he sold his soul. So, I do know there is something there and it does give me hope. I just think he is a better person than what he is doing. He is frequently easily angered and I seem to be the only one to talk him out of it. It is tiresome.... I have hope and I appreciate everyone sharing with me. I do not feel so alone.
I believe many others have said or suggested what I'm about to write, but I'll go ahead and add this to the conversation. Regardless of whether your husband acknowledges or even believes he has an addiction or a problem is irrelevant if he isn't suffering any consequences from it. There is no drive for him to actively fight his addiction, no motivation to seek help and work towards recovery. It is my opinion that since his porn addiction is known to you and it's out in the open, but it is without consequences, the rationalizations and justifications for continuing will only increase. Please understand I'm not minimizing what you are experiencing which is a severe consequence, but I'm talking about his perception of things. I see it in your last post, especially the fact that he states the more you bring it up the more he does it which makes no sense if someone is working on recovery. As a porn addict, there is no acceptable amount of porn I can consume. I can't revert to a minimal amount and successfully live my life. Any amount of porn is dangerous to me and will immediately impede my recovery. I recently had a setback after 34 days clean, and I'm back to square one. The urges and withdrawals I had felt at the start of my reboot are now back in full force, but I have a cache of weapons I'm developing and using which are preventing me from binging. From what you have written, and I hate to point this out, but I don't believe your husband thinks he has a problem. He is not working on recovery. I wish I could suggest an easier solution, but what it comes down to is forcing your husband to face his addiction, and that can only come through harsher and real consequences. There is no guarantee they will work, but it's either that or continuing to live in your current condition which is unacceptable because you are not to blame and you don't deserve to suffer as you are.
Sounds like what your husband is doing is trying to quit the "easy" ones first. Maybe encourage him in that, and help him to see that he really is a better person than that. One thing that's pervasive about addicts is that, deep down, they've often tried unsuccessfully for years (or in some of our cases, including mine, decades) to quit, and nothing has worked. So eventually they figure that it just can't be done, and that's just how it is. They lose hope somewhere deep inside and start believing that they really are just someone who has to give in to these urges. All it's taken for me is a 14-day streak to give me hope again - yeah, it's not much, I know, but it's damn well mine and I did it. If I can get to 14, I can get to 15, if I can get to 15, I can get to 30 and 60 and 90 too. Might help for him to read through some of our journals? I'm betting that he'll see himself in them, and also see some hope (as I did) in the fact that other people who thought it was impossible ... actually did it. Some have been addicted for longer than I've been alive, and they've done it! It's still a miraculous thought for me ... I wish you both the best!
I guess I have been wondering if I am overreacting and that is why I sometimes try and minimize the behavior. Point well taken.
You aren't overreacting. You aren't crazy. He's choosing a screen over sex with you. That isn't ok. On minimizing, did somewhat the same. I would try to look for and compliment the good, when there really was none.
I don't think you are overreacting, but let's be honest; you came to the anti-porn site asking if porn is a problem. What else are we going to say? On the other hand, you can make an objective case for his use being a problem. He's having difficulty "performing" (I hate that term, what is this, a circus act?) with a real woman (you), he looks at it even if he's not completing, and if he's addicted, it makes perfect sense that he uses more when you talk to him about it. It stirs up negative feelings, so he goes to self medicate. Going strictly on personal experience and that of others, he might find if he quits that his coping mechanism has lent to a certain degree of depression, anxiety, and general emotional sensitivity as well. For most of us, the majority of the problems are not evident until they are gone. You should be aware, though, that should he accept that he has a problem and commits to fighting it, that there will be a period where he gets worse before he gets better. Quitting porn causes increased irritability, emotional and physical flatlines, and others as the brain learns how to cope without a steady supply of dopamine.
Can I ask you as I am not really very tech say where on the phone does it show that info and it actually shows the time the data was used? So that means data he is watching a video or looking at pictures? Would this information still be on the phone if he watched incognito mode or deleted history?
I have AT&T. If you have an online account where you can pay bills, look at statements, etc, you can see how much data is used. There is even an app for smart phones. Now, you can only see data used. Not the websites they visit. It is in 3 hour increments until it is billed. Once billed, you can see the previous billed usage. It will show how much data was used and the exact time to the minute... Pretty nifty tool. Unfortunately, it can become addictive to keep checking it when you have a PA SO. I hope this helps.
I agree with this. While porn is used to numb our emotions there is still underlying shame there that feeds the addiction cycle. If there wasn't, we wouldn't be so quick to hide things. Guilt is the feeling that you did something wrong. Shame is the feeling that I am something wrong. It's the underlying shame of what we did that has us feeling like a failure, are worthless and creates self-loathing after we act out. That in turn drives us to keep this failure secret. The self talk tape in our heads is saying "No one would love me if they knew what I just did and what a horrible person I am." So instead we end up trying to beat it silently and secretly. Which...of course, doesn't work. But that shame drives the silence which then allows the addiction to flourish. Dr. Brene Brown says that "Shame needs three things to grow exponentially in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment.” Porn creates the perfect petri dish for shame to grow in our lives which makes it all the harder to bring the secret out into the light where it than can start to lose it's power.
@Arkansasdaisy Hello there, Have you considered to go with him on vacation for a week or two? As @Ted Martin is saying, porn numbs emotion. What I would suggest is to take a week or two and go somewhere together and enjoy each other. (I would suggest not strictly beach holiday but rather some activity holiday, so that you need to speak and support each other) (The idea is to let him remember on the better times) I do not want to sound mean, but the idea is to make him feel great. About sex, I think that you should discuss to leave it out till you start to feel it is great between you again. I would suggest, you have a talk with him when you both connect again. Say it as it is but do a win win out of it. I mean, you can still flirt, cuddle and stuff. Good Luck!
