Well everyone, Broke after 62 days. My Goal was to make it past 90 but I failed in that goal. After I failed and continuing to fail all day. I wrote a letter to myself of how I feel and felt, and my obsession of downloading porn in order to help me avoid the pitfalls of failing again. I did not want to share it because I felt ashamed but I think it might help others in seeing what it feels like to break and what the outcome is afterward. Letter I wrote to myself to remind me of how I felt "I felt no release or pleasure not even for a little bit, even the initial release. Instead, I felt guilty, and hurting my goals, and realized my body is getting weaker and having less energy. The multiple times I've done it, there were no great feelings of release at all. Just reduced my testosterone and hurt my goals. Not once after the seven to eight times did I feel any pleasure. There was nothing beneficial from the act whatsoever. Why do you download this stuff anyways? So that you can feel crappy and get no pleasure from it and be at risk? There is no point of it. It's an addict's behavior and you need to stop it before it progresses for no reward, only sabotage later." So that was the letter I hope will get back on track if I get in a bind again. But failure is part of growth. I am shifting my focus back on the positive and reapplying the techniques I had learned to retake my journey. As for the 60-day mental reboot, I do not feel like a got a complete mental reboot but partial and pretty much right after 60 days I was looking to Fap and eventually did so. My Goal was not strong enough. I need to up my goal and shoot for longer Mental Reboots than the minimum required. I did feel and have a better understanding of girls, myself, and urges though from the first mental reboot. Hopefully, the second Mental Reboot will really put my mind back on track and really help me rid of a lot of the mental blocks and urges that are still there. What helped most in order. #1 Checklist that I marked in increments. I attached my previous one and the new one I just made to show how I tracked my results and how it really helped keep me on track. The worst part is starting over and losing all that progress. Having a checklist lets you see that visually. I use OneNote to create them. #2 Filters on Search Engines. I put them on Strict. This helped get rid of that one picture that would pop up and tempt you to look at more. #3 Gym. Helped to remove the urges and use up the extra testosterone. It also helped me become stronger physically, look better, get more attention from girls, feel better and countless other benefits. This has helped change my life. #4 Focusing on real-life problems when my mind began to wander. Focusing on things that actually need solving helped my shift my mind back on track. Whether it was a work problem I was trying to solve or arrange a plan with a friend. Having an actual objective helped refocus on real-life scenarios and not the fantasies I was trying to have in my mind.
Update: So it's 10 days later since my relapse and for some reason, I continue to download porn even though I'm not watching it. I just search for torrents and have them running. Is anyone else having this issue with quitting porn? Reading the letter to myself above has helped but I am having a very hard time leaving it completely this second time around. I don't even fully understand the behaviour.
I am also a porn downloader (not just streaming). But I deleted my stash and haven't downloaded any new ones yet. Did you delete your dowloaded porn stash? If not, then you definitly should. Also I think just looking at the titles might be bad for your recovery (just the thought of certain sexual acts makes me have porn flashbacks). If you can't stop downloading, then maybe your should also block your torrent sites. But then you can't watch any movies or series either.
I tried once but my internet provider blocked Their users from downloading torrents. So when I visit torrents website like piratebay or others the internet provider redirects me to their "blocked-notification" website. They also block some porn websites (but not all websites on the whole internet because there are always many new porn websites everyday)
Yeah, I was afraid to answer this post lol. I have had a really hard time deleting my stash. I need to come to terms with it. It is only tempting me. I gotta bring up the courage. I don't understand why it's so hard. That's a good idea of blocking the torrent sites as well. That's kind of a good thing then. I'll see what is out there in terms of blocking torrent downloads. Although I have not fapped, I'm at a breaking point with porn. I get stimulated from simple pictures online, and it has me taking off my filters and then putting it back on right after. I don't know why the call to watch porn is so strong this time around. I feel like I need it for some reason even though it's just a fantasy. I'm gyming for 3 hours a day just to get rid of the extra testosterone buildup. I'm hoping if I pass this next few weeks it will get better and ease up on the craving.
Sorry to jump in on an older thread but I felt the need to reply to you Bodyreality. I believe the reason you're nervous about deleting your stash is that you're still feeling like you'll need it again at some point in the future. If you're serious about kicking your porn addiction you should really delete it. What you're doing at the moment could be likened to a smoker quitting but keeping his/her cigarettes. You're not giving yourself the best chances by keeping your drug nearby.
I appreciate this brotha! Well said and good analogy. Deleting it P.S. - This is one of the hardest things I've had to do and I've done some major difficult tasks through my life. The support here is what helps me keep taking steps forward. Thanks to all.
Hey Bro well done! You're making the right steps to recovery. I can see from the size of those folders that this was a big part of your life.
Great move man! @holtech 's words were right on, I remember the day I willfully deleted untold amounts of Gigabytes, the moment I pressed the button I felt like I was falling from a cliff. Pretty stupid I know. And not very useful to you right now. What may be interesting for you is that you might feel "an empty space" now that the stash is gone. That may be the reason why you keep filling it. That sensation need to be overruled, and I'm sure you'll find just the thing that will allow you to not feel you're missing something. Be it the gym (you seem to invest a lot in that, it's a good thing, keeps you focused, can be social, and is challenging!) of a newfound interest for [insert something you always said you would start one day here]. Keep positive, you've done a hard and insanely useful step towards stability!
Congrats on the 60 days, i struggle to get past 2 weeks. I find the first week the toughest, after that it gets easier. Its inspiring to see people reach that far when it feels like its impossible sometimes. Good luck
I really appreciate the push bro. 3 Terabytes of wasted space and it was a huge part of my life. Making me procrastinate, robbing me of energy, and messing with my mind so I couldn't see women in the normal light. So many missed opportunities that posed itself with women because I had my porn. My relationships that I let go to hell because I had porn. I relied on it. I looked forward to coming home and getting that dopamine release so that I could continue to work but all it did was make me tired and unhappy. Porn messed me up for a long time because that's what was important for me since I was a kid. Having that part gone has been a jarring experience and I work on making sure my mind doesn't fantasize or focus on those fake scenes. But now I feel more free than ever
Yes, I felt exactly that way and fought myself to hit the cancel buttons during the deletion part. It took so many hours to delete it. It was insane. But after it was gone, I felt somewhat of...well what now...moment. I started to immediately figure other things to concentrate on which has been very helpful. The gym has helped a lot for me. I'm going to shoot for a fitness competition in a year so putting my head on track on where it needs to be. Support from this forums is what has helped me progress forward.
Thanks mate. I appreciate the support. And don't worry about failing. Just keep getting back up and up again trying to move further than you got before. Failure is part of success because you learn from the mistakes you made so you don't make them again. Keep coming back here and seeing the posts. Use the Emergency/Panic button to help when times get tough. Leave your door and blinds open at all times and set goals for yourself. All those things have helped me make the initial 60 and now I look to surpass that. We're rewiring our brains after years of abuse, it will be difficult but we can do this together.
When you get those strong urges to relapse, just remember to think about all of the instant regret you will feel after masturbating or watching porn, that's one of the best methods that's worked for me personally.
In a "That's not what I want, I want more from life and better" way rather than a "Oh god please not that again" way ^^
I believe in you buddy. Pick up where you left off, you've made amazing progress and nobody should look down on you for what we've ALL been through. Come on, show us the way
Great job bro on deleting your porn stash. I know how hard it can be, but in a different way. I actually don't usually watch full on porn videos when I M. I usually either find a picture that is a girl wearing revealing clothing or fantasizing about the girls I saw in real life accidentally revealing something while I would jerk off. The hardest thing for me is not looking at P-subs, whether in real life or on the digital screen. Looking away from them whenever they appear is the hardest part, but I know it is necessary, because the images get seared in my brain for a long time and makes it so much harder to not relapse. Here's to conquering hard things!
It's really weird how this addiction just consumes us in so many varying ways. I am a 13 year addict and have never or have had the desire to download porn. There's so much of it to stream, why would I ever want to download it and watch it later.
I too used to download for several reasons: -High def. - wether its gaming or porn: I'm a graphicswhore -My internet connection can be really slow and then I had a backup catalog consisting of my favourite movies. -Also searching for the scenes and reading the discriptions was just another way of keeping my dopamine high - even without visual stimulation but just by anticipation. -For me personally it had somekind of "ownership-thing" to it. When you don't have a girlfriend you miss that sense of "owning/belonging to each other" and my trusty backup cataloge filled that gap a little - while making my life worse through PIED, anorgasmia, no drive to do anything and a bit of social anxiety. Despite that I almost had an emotional connection to these files. Deleting it was very hard for me too - those were my favourite scenes after all! I felt like they had always been there for me when in reality they had always ensured my fix and kept me down when I normally would have had to go without it due to connection problems. Almost like the universe occasionally tried to keep me from watching but sadly I always was prepared for that.
