It's quite tough for me to write this but I'm going to have to face up to it...I've been addicted to 'porn' for about 10 years now. I say porn, in reality I've been masturbating to celebrities. So if I read a magazine and it has a nice model or actress in, I'll look her up later. Watching TV and a hot music video comes on? Close the curtains, same again. Even songs on the radio by certain female singers sends me straight to a restroom for some 'quiet time'. I'm struggling to remember the last time I got off to anything different than this. I'm not going to say my age because it opens up a whole other area other than I'm past my 20s now. Up till this year I had never had a girlfriend, I am still a virgin which is why I won't give my exact age - right now I don't need to be told "just get out there and lose it man" because that doesn't help a deeper problem. I never knew I had a problem, I thought it was natural and when I find a girlfriend I'd quit the masturbating. Well earlier this year I found girl 1, we dated a bit but never got further than holding hands, I did stop when I was with her and when we held hands I could feel myself partially erect but then went back to my old ways after we parted. Then I found girl 2, there's a much bigger connection, last Saturday we were dry humping. I'm 90% certain she climaxed at least once (I've read up on all the little signs and I'm really sure she didn't fake it). She thought I'd cum too, it's hard for her to tell when we were humping and both wearing jeans with my wallet, mobile, keys etc in but in reality I was limp throughout. In a way it's good she didn't know, it gives me more time. I got home and assumed it was just nerves from never being that close to a girl before. I really really like this girl, but since last weekend I haven't been able to get hard thinking back to what we were doing. Yet I can get hard straight away if I look at celebrity photos and videos. That's when I googled and found this site, deep down I'm relieved but also gutted as I realise I'm in deep. Really really gutted. It feels like I've worked so hard lately to stop being a loser and find a girlfriend then I come up against something which is all my own doing. The last time I touched or looked at anything was Sunday morning. I've abstained since then. My worry is it's going to take me too long (I've heard anything from 30 days to 1 year) and she will want to see what I can do in bed very soon. I can't lose this girl, but likewise if I am completely up front with her she will move on - we met on a dating website, where for every girl there are probably 2-3 guys so there will be others waiting in the wings. Quitting will be easier for me than most people, it's really hit me to the point I feel physically sick and I have no doubts at all I will not go back and I have beaten quite a few addictions over the last 10 years - I've managed to beat cannabis, roulette gambling plus a few other addictions. Is there is anything at all I can do to speed it up because I can only play the nervous card for so long if she asks? I'm sure I'm not a lost cause, I get partially hard when we've held hands and kissed and up till a few weeks ago I was waking with morning wood although that's stopped lately. I've bought some tablets for when we next meet, I know a lot of people don't recommend it but if I have to use one to keep her then I will. I'm desperate for any help or tips. Thanks for reading.
Welcome. I was recently where you are: at the point of realization. It's a lot to process. Just the fact that you are here, acknowledging your problem and taking action puts you way ahead in the game. If you read through some of the posts here, you will find comfort in that (though the fetishes may be different), the pattern is very common. As far as speeding things along, there is some advice that I think can get you ahead of the game, but for the most part, it will require some patience & dedication. I think if you can follow the idea of this thread, it will help. Try to take to heart the change you want. Don't just go through the motions without paying attention to your thoughts, and getting your mind back on track. I can only imagine the stress of being with a girl for the first time with the knowledge of this issues. I remember with my first experience, I wasn't fapping, but had some performance anxiety. But luckily, she was sweet & understanding, and patient. I don't think telling her about your P sub problem is a good idea, but it may be helpful to let her know it's your first time, and you are nervous about it. If she has a good heart, she will understand. Sometimes when a guy has problems, a girl will blame herself, and you don't want that. Just the act of telling someone you're nervous about something actually relieves a lot of the pressure.
Thanks six for your comments, much appreciated. That thread was a good read, picked up some useful things. At the moment I'm starting to think I'm not in too deep - this morning I woke up with morning wood (not the biggest erection ever but not semi either), and thinking about the fun me and her had last weekend got me partially erect. I already know what I want: To be in a healthy relationship with this girl. What I need to do is set myself goals. I think my biggest problem is putting too much focus on everything, then getting more down about it...such as I was focused on losing my virginity then when I couldn't even get hard that depressed me. So my goal for when we meet tomorrow is to be honest with her, and if we get up close to have a partial erection, even if it's only slightly above limp, then it's progress. I'm not nervous about it being my first time, just about not getting hard but I can defeat this. Thanks again for your support, it's really helpful.
Dont be this naive, if the girl is not virgin who never cuddle & hump somebody with erected penis, you cant fool her she feels that you are not erected. At least based on my experience when I was just kissing and cuddling with girls they can always felt it (even with wallet and phone) because they always mentioned or joked about it, so most woman basically knew how it feels when you are erected and close to them.
I'm glad ur open and honest but instead of trying to buy time you might just want to let her know that you're not ready yet... She may leave or she may stay but it's just a suggestion...
Welcome, and congratulations on letting the realization go deep enough to open yourself (even if anonymously) to a community of peers. You'll probably find in the next few months that it was the best idea you've had in a long while. As pointed out by other Fapstronauts up here, patience and dedication will be a key to change. I've lost my virginity at 23 for a girl that 15 years later still ignores it because I was too ashamed of not being able to orgasm with a partner. One reason that dragged me (and many others) to this community is the fact that we don't have any direct control on these thins like performance anxiety that plague our sex lives (and relationships). Indeed no "just get out there and lose it" advice would be of any help in our cases. But you've come to the right place, if you're ready for a change! Sounds obvious but if we want things to change, we must change things. So many people (even here) struggle with that notion. What's the other option? Not starting because it would be too lon and ending up struggling in a few years anyway and coming back to where you are now? Is this girl that important in your life that she'd be worth putting your healing to the side for fear or loosing her? (Not taunting, just trying to make you think in a different angle). Which leads me to the next question : @six is right : If she's that important in your life and you don't plan and engage in a healing process just yet, you'll have to live with her AND your issues. And hope that being with her will make you change from the inside out in a passive way (so you don't have to make the change actively), and hope for the best.. It takes courage to come here and you have it in you man! Which is fantastic! Many would say you've done a great deal of the way towards a healthier life, please consider that before finding excuses to turn away from it. Consider which man you want to be in 5, 10 years. The man that "knew it 10 years ago but thought he'd be fine regardless" or the man that "started a eventful and bumpy road that lead to untold amounts of change and potential well-being" All the best to you, I really really hope my word hasn't been a cold shower to you, it was supposed to be quite the opposite - to try and get you to think your situation deeper so you alone can make the good decision, the one that really deeply suits you. Courage!
Thanks everyone for your latest comments, I enjoy reading them. So, a few updates. This is as much for me as it is for you so if ever I feel like going back to my old ways or get down about things I can look back at this thread and see the progress I've made. 1. I spoke to two of my closest friends last night which has really helped, and they have given pretty much the same advice as you guys - be honest with her, and if she decides to move on so be it, if she can't understand it might just take me a little longer than most guys then she isn't the one for me. They say it's pointless buying time, plus if I keep it a secret at some point she is likely to find out, then she will start to question what else I might've hidden from her. Coming clean and sharing my issues and addiction with them was daunting but made me feel much better. Positive # 1. 2. I was round at hers a few nights ago, after kissing for a while we were rolling around on the floor again, clothed again but this time no wallets, keys or mobile phones in my pockets! Positive # 2. I still didn't have a full erection, but I was half erect and also felt like I was halfway to an orgasm - positive # 3. Which sounds strange but I know some people can orgasm without being fully erect. She said I have amazing stamina....not sure if she meant I could hold off, or could keep moving against her body without getting tired, I keep in shape so I can do a fair amount of exercise without getting tired. There was also a point where we got in an uncomfy position which wasn't working, and she said something like "this is a strange position, sorry if I'm not good at this, I'm a bit inexperienced." That was a big relief for me, and I told her I'm inexperienced too and we'll just have to keep practicing or something corny like that. We kept going but my partial erection eventually disappeared. I don't feel down about it going limp, I see it as progress that I had a semi for a while. She was also very wet, even though we were clothed I could feel how turned on she was, my jeans had damp patches on from her. So she clearly is aroused being with me, another positive. 3. I have decided when we meet this weekend and cuddle I'll tell her. I won't make a big thing out of it, I'll just say something like "I don't want you to think I'm not excited being with you because I really am, I just get nervous around girls but I'm learning to relax and I will get over it." That sets out clearly where I am, so it's her choice if she is happy to work and be patient with me. My gut feeling is she will understand and accept the position I am in, she genuinely seems a nice girl who likes me for who I am. 4. I'm approaching 1 week without porn and feel great. I am waking up with morning wood, I can get a bit erect thinking of this girl, and haven't even thought of the old material I used to jerk to. I've lost count of how many positives that is but I am progressing. Thanks again for supporting and listening to me as I go on this journey.
All good news buddy, we're in this with you (not in a weird way ), keep going! Also, one week is a great start! The bumpiest part probably lies ahead tho, so keep an eye out (without being afraid or anything, just keep an eye out)!
Hope you all don't mind the updates...this post gets pretty personal but I feel like we are all in this together so there are no secrets right? ;-) What a day! We spent all day together out and about, everytime we were cuddling up close I was getting pretty hard, especially when I was holding her from behind. We found a few quiet areas for some fun. Then we went back to mine, after a while we ended up on the floor again. After 10-15mins of dry humping with me pretty limp I decided to come clean and told her I get nervous around women and don't want her to think I'm not into her because I really am. She couldn't have been more supportive and understanding, she looked straight into my eyes and said there's nothing to worry about, there's no pressure, we have all the time in the world. I told her it will just take me a little while to relax but I will be able to. She also said she could feel me earlier when we were cuddling so she knows I'm into her, and she know's we've gone fast so far but there's no rush for us to have sex. She even made a joke out of it, saying if I get hard when we cuddle in public maybe we should have sex where we might get caught! Then she held me and told me not to worry about anything, which was the nicest thing anyone could do. After a while she got on top of me and climaxed, I am sure she did that to show I can still give her pleasure in other ways. Afterwards, I guided her hand down to my crotch, and she was stroking me then unzipped me, I probably got two thirds hard. You have to understand no one has ever touched me there before, so it's another milestone reached. I guided her and showed her what I like, I was fully erect then her hands were wrapped around my face kissing me and I finished myself off with my own hand. She stayed another 4+ hours. I had mixed feelings - I know I'm meant to be refraining from jerking etc, especially with my own hand, but I wanted to prove to myself I can cum while up close with someone else and it felt right to do so. My confidence levels really increased. I'm now 8 days free from porn, I feel much better in every way. I've decided I'll still go see my GP after work tonight anyway as he might be able to put me in touch with someone who can give me relaxation techniques for when we get more intimate. Obviously at the moment this all feels like a dream - I am full of a lot of self doubt in this area so the paranoid part of me says she was only being nice to make it less awkward and I'll never see her again....but I really do trust her and believe everything she said to me. Thanks again for reading and for the support
Just thought I'd check in here, what can I say! It's been perhaps the best few weeks of my life... I'm happy to say the girl I have mentioned in this thread is now my girlfriend, and I've lost my virginity, better late than never! It happened three weeks ago and was worth the wait. We haven't stopped since ;-) It really did come from not thinking too much. Everytime when he couldn't stay hard we'd laugh about it and cuddle, so there was no pressure on me...then one time he did stay hard and slipped right in and away we went! I wouldn't say I'm totally over my little problem. Sometimes I'm not as hard as normal when we are having fun but that's normally on an evening, my arousal is much higher in the morning however I am still able to perform on an evening. Have I relapsed? Yes and no. I have masturbated a couple of times on my own, and she's masturbated me too but I think that's ok as part of a healthy relationship. She also asked last week if I was her first and I was honest and said yes, no good hiding things now I'm on the 'straight and narrow.' Surprisingly she said she was my age when she lost hers so it again makes things much more comfortable. And I'm learning fast ;-) There is still a long way to go but I feel so much happier, I have my first girlfriend, I've stopped living in fantasy land. We met 2 months ago, here's to many more happy months together. I hope some of what I've said encourages others, if I can be of any help to anyone feel free to message me.
