Just roommates...

Posting this on the women's site to get a mix of perspectives.

My beautiful, wonderful wife and I have been married for 18 years this May. After very exciting, frequent and adventurous sex in the early years of our marriage. It has slowly declined to only once every few months. (The longest time was 6 months). The good news is when we DO have sex it is really good for both of us. That is primarily because we only have it when she initiates it. I stopped initiating completely several years ago... after getting rejected multiple times which just pissed me off. It would send me into an angry PMO binge.

My wife puts overwhelming burdens upon herself. She worries constantly about numerous things she needs to let go of. I think she is borderline OCD. Her demand that everything be perfect and in order causes discontentment in our home and drives the kids nuts sometimes. She also lost her mom two years ago and we've had some stress with our teenage daughter. For someone who can only relax when all the planets are in alignment... Well it makes for a severe lack of intimacy.

As I man I feel closest to my wife when we make love. The bodily contact, the euphoria, carefree sexy talk and laughter... Sending each other over the O edge....It bonds me to her. It's amazing how much we talk after great sex. We just lie there with sweat cooling our bodies and the conversation just pours out with ease. Except it rarely happens anymore.

I have tried to discuss alternatives. I have suggested a scheduled time weekly and even bi-weekly, but she didn't like that approach. In the absence of anything I have suggested an occasional HJ for me...again nothing. She has read literature and I have told her how a man needs this to feel bonded and to feel wanted and connected. Otherwise we are just roommates. Nothing has worked meanwhile she complains that she feels alone and says she hates the lack of intimacy.

i am not ready to resign myself to a sex starved life and it doesn't help when I am PMOing to beautiful 20 year old women, but I tell myself it's my only outlet for my desires since my wife is largely unwilling. To complicate things even more she knows I "have been" a PMO addict yet still withholds intimacy. I would never have an affair and in the past I have never understood men who do. I think now I am beginning to understand.

Ignore my counter by the way. I'm currently drowning in a week-long PMO binge.

 

Thank you ML! I'll admit I'm not as affectionate as I used to be. The lack of intimacy tends to cause that to wane too. I do however flirt with her through the week. My names for her are always affectionate... I call her beauty, lovely, sweet. I'll walk by and pat her or just run my hand over her butt playfully.

After the 6 month drought I mentioned above it ended by me point blank asking if we were ever going to have sex again. That must have lit a spark because we had great sex that very night.

The next day she hugged me in the kitchen and said she hasn't been able to wipe the smile off her face. Then another 3 month drought.

Part of what keeps me going is that when we do have sex it is still very good. I have a friend who says his wife is never interested and just lays there waiting on him to finish. I would rather abstain forever than deal with that.

I don't really push the issue because this would only add to the burdensome list of worries she carries. I do have a counseling session myself Friday but it's just me.

I've made it known to her that I masturbate a few times a week... that I am always ready and willing hoping would spark renewed interest. So far it hasn't worked. She seems fine and unaffected by my weekly fap sessions although she is unaware of the porn component.

Thanks again for your response. It DOES help!

 

Thank you and I can take the blunt response. I'm not the greatest husband and father but I would classify myself as supportive. I do share burdens and I help quite a bit in virtually every aspect of our lives.
You're absolutely right and I thank you for your harshness. I am trying. My best has been 26 days and I have an appointment with a counselor on Friday. That said..
There are some things I can't help her with. Her perfectionist streak had me running in circles early in our marriage trying to please her and help her find contentment. I came to realize I can't make her feel that way. She has to find it herself and I pray she does because in those rare moments she allows herself to enjoy the moment...those are the times when her great qualities shine through. Thanks again.

 

This is day 9 of another attempt. I have seen counsellors before and always found that I knew more about the addiction than they did. Nevertheless... I have a session scheduled for this week.

I play guitar and this weekend I am leading worship for 3 days at a nearby retreat. I'm looking forward to that spring boarding me into week 3. I have had urges and temptations... I have sought triggers but haven't followed through thankfully.

I'm looking forward to how this will effect my marriage and lack of sex we have experienced for some time now. For Valentine's Day I bought her massage stones and an electric warmer, we haven't used it yet. When the time is right, I'm going to surprise her with a long relaxing massage... Not as a pursuit of sex as I know it may not end with that. More to just focus on her interrupted. In time I hope our intimacy will improve.

 

Thanks No Brainer. It has definitely changed me and takes a toll on my marriage. That's why I'm here. I mentioned in the above post that my counter is not up to date. I just haven't updated it. Most of my visits here are quick 5 minute intervals so I just haven't taken the time. My longest nofap streak is 26 days.

I'm not sure how closely you read my post but she knows I "had" an issue... Doesn't know it persists.

ML sensed my frame of mind in the initial post which was frustration and despair at so many failed attempts. I consider myself to be very knowledgeable concerning this addiction. But it breeds selfishness. It can leave you believing the lie when in the throes of constant urges.

 

Counter updated. Thanks. I've also decided to see a counselor again. I have appt tomorrow. I will report how it went.

 

Playing a lot of a guitar this weekend at a ministry event. So much that my fingers are almost bleeding. so i went for the tried and true super glue method on my finger-tips. as the glue was drying someone said "Don't touch your crotch." i just smiled and thought..."if you only knew".

day 13....

 

INTENSE urges this morning during my shower. Stayed clean... Day 16.

 

Thank you roifwoha. Yes that is an effective deterrent. My pattern is so very similar to what you have described except i rarely ever get hours alone anymore to fully endulge. But when i have it has been a marathon. Sometimes bringing myself to the brink for hours before finally falling off the edge. it's no wonder i feel so physically wasted afterward not to mention emotionally and spiritually dead.

The good news is right now my triggers are centered more on thoughts of my wife rather than memories of scenes i've watched. Last night while she was going over some flooring samples with me (Were doing some remodeling) i could not keep my eyes off her curves. i didnt hear much about the flooring to be honest. As Limeaid recently said... when your wife is the only source for orgasm your affection for her will change. So far that appears to be the case.

 

Thanks for the compassion and understanding. I'm sorry for your struggles too.

 

I honestly don't know where we are right now. My wife's libido has been very diminished for a while now despite taking hormone supplements. My bigger concern right now is how angry I get. I hate how I react to my family occasionally and I hate the uncertainty it instills in my wife.
In analyzing the cause for my anger episodes I'm wondering if I am so buried in my escapism that I get angry when reality barges in. I'm getting through about a week PMO free then I will binge a few times. It feels like part of my soul departs my body every time I PMO. I'm not in a good mental space right now.