how male human beings should be

glad to be of help.
I usually do things I like. I like playing soccer so I go play soccer. I´ve met lots of people this way and usually after the games we go out for a walk and talk and sometimes drinks ( but I avoid alcahol now). I like reading too. Instead of staying home reading I prefer to do it outside. There, I can see people and interact with them. I have some friends that I call when I want to go out and I meet new people trough them. Even if I didn´t have any friends I would make some by doing things I like doing. The bests things that happen to me did happen when I was doing what I like. Now that I think about it, it´s definitely true for me. Every friend I made, every girlfriend I had, happened when I was smiling and having a good time. So my best tip would be for you to go out and simply do things you like and everything will come naturally.

 

Stayed strong yesterday. The urges were too much. hahaha. I was too much for them. My will was there to help me. Another day gone and I still stand up, a winner.
I am more sensitive, food tastes better, smells are stronger to me now, I have less to no fatigue after playing or working out, I need less sleep and still have a lot of energy, my body doesn´t hurt anymore during the day. I found out that I love peaches. Everything that has peaches in it. Love it. The smell, the taste. AMAZING. I am less attracted to fast food. I feel kinda disgusted by it. Never happened before. When I see fast food I keep picturing the bad things that it does to my body. And I am really loving myself. I am really taking care of me, more then ever.
Yesterday I won. Yes I did. But I also failed. Why? Because my fear of rejection won again. ***ing hate it. I was out with some friends. I was there smiling, talking, laughing, distract in the moment. Out of nowhere, that girl I told you guys about, showed up. She also was with her friends. For a moment she was left alone. She saw me as I was looking to her. I thought to myself "that´s my chance. I have to take it". The fear I so much struggle to obliterate, grabbed me by the balls, and as I was losing my strenght, she left. The disapointment of being beaten so many times in a row, even though I am doing everything that I can to win, was too much. I put myself together and remembered the good things that happened to me during this time, the diference in me... remembered that change takes time...maybe too much time for me cause the roots are deep down...and yet I fear losing too much time. I have to do better. I don´t have to hit on her. I just want to talk to her, to know her, even though things don´t go the way I wanted them to go. Just want to know hwo she is.
I won´t give up, I am a soldier...

 

Depression knocking on my door again. I think I feel this way because of what happened the other night. I negleted something that I wanted and my brain is responding to it. I also went to sleep very late... usually I feel bad when I don´t have enough hours of sleep...Went for a run to help release the stress. worked a little. I had lot of urges too... as you know brain fog kicking in. My day seems darker today... trying to smile...I´ll call my friends to go out...it´ll probably help.
have to connect...

 

tks. I will

 

I think I am going crazy. Everything is a trigger to me. I am starting to lose my mind. I don´t know if this is a good thing or it´s my brain asking for a fix. I get a boner just by texting a girl and it´s not even sexual conversation. Movies are killing me too. Every scenario that involves a girl turns me on. Even if the girl is fully dressed with the most non provocative clothes. Movies are way more sexual nowadays too. There are sex talking and provocative scenarios in every single one of them. Smells also turn me on. I was with this girl and she smelled so good. Bam, I got a boner. These past few days my sex drive is so high that is hard to talk to a girl and not think about having sex with her. I try not to supress those feelings. Instead I let them flow naturally knowing that they are there. I just keep on doing out I am doing at the that moment and it helps a lot. But it´s too much right now. So intense. I know meditation, working out, reading and stuff like that helps but I can not do that all the time. There are times I am alone... there are times I want to see a movie... there are times I want to talk to girls even though if it´s through texting. Like normal people do. I can not run away from my computer or my phone all my life. I just want to feel normal. Right now I don´t know if I am getting better or not. I don´t know if this is what should be normal or it´s just my addiction talking. I am starting to think that hard mode is not the way to go. I mean for a period of time it´s a must. Maybe for like 90 days tops. Then real human connection is necessary. I think that´s the only way of theaching my brain the diference and when to be aroused. The only way to properly rewire. My brain is mess up. It doesn´t know what is what.
I don´t know anything right now anymore...I don´t know what to think nor what to do...

 

tks for your suport. I stopped counting the day a while ago. I don´t know what day I am in anymore. And I´ve already made my mind. I want a porn free life. And I know it takes time. But I don´t know if I am making progress anymore.

 

Today I feel a little off but feeling better. I was reading a post that gave me strenght to keep pushing through. Here is the link https://NoFap.com/forum/index.php?posts/628334/. I guess this is me having withdrawal symptoms again as it´s an atempt of my brain to make me go back to my addiction. That post made me understand better. The only physical problem I worry about is my morning woods. I stopped having them again. Hope it comes back because they give sense of security as they show that everything is working fine.
Latelly I am more in tune with myself too. I´ve started to understand the signals my body and mind give me. I understand when I am doing something that my body is aking me to stop doing. For example I as working out after being sick for 2 days. The back of my head start hurting. That´s a signal of body stress. So I stopped. Mentally speaking there are singals two. The other post I told you guys that I didn´t have the guts to talk to that girl. After that I kept feeling bad about it. The night before I even dreamt about her. You guys could say that I am way too focused on her and I should try to focus on myself. That´s the point. I am focused on myself. You know why? knowing her is something that I WANT. I WANT FOR ME. I am not doing that for her, I am doing it for me. So everytime I neglect what I want I feel bad about it. I am literally feeling physical discomfort like head ache and body stress. I feel depressed and worhtless. There is this book that says whenever you stop yourself from persuing what you want no matter if is a girl or a job...you are hurting yourself. And I can sure tell you guys that it really hurts. I can not explain this. But it´s something I really want. It´s an instinct. It´s a bad think to neglect that instinct. The consequence is that we start shuting off and creating defense mecanisms such as anxiety. It may seem selfish of me to say I want her because I am thinking about myself. Yes I do. But is a benevolent selfishness. It´s also a good think because she is desired.
Today I am going to see my therapyst.
I have to take this out of my chest...

 

It has been a few days since I last posted in here. I figured that there was no point on daily posting. Instead I took a few days off to just focus on understanding the reason I still feel pretty bad. I have no depression right now. But my anxiety is not leaving me. I thought that dealing with rejection was enough to take over my anxiety. Definitely not enough. Is it connected? Yes. But I was thinking about it all wrong. I realised that I live outside of my mind and body. All anxious people do. We live in the future. So if I manage to stay within myself I learn to love the person I am right now and the fear of rejection will be controled.
I was reading and thinking a lot and I´ve realised we anxious people are more inteligente than other people. No matter what people say, it´s a fact. It happens because we are more aware of our surrounding, what makes our brains work way faster than normal. So fast that it´s hard to talk, to focus, to connect, to express oneself, to be present. We see everything: situations, people and even read people. We can read exactly what people think of us, or the context or of other people. The only problem is that we are negative so we tend to only think bad even though we realise it was a good thing. We live in other people´s lifes, thoughts, emotions.
Yesterday I was feeling very anxious. I stopped and thought about why was I feeling like that. At that moment everything was cristal clear to me. I came back to me, to my present self. It seems so obvious now that I am writing this. Before that moment I was anxious because I was imagining things, creating scenarios, tripping...my thoughts weren´t in myself but outside around the world... So now I can see that inteligence is a gift but it´s also a curse. Like I read somewhere "ignorant people are happier". It makes sense now. They just live in the moment. They do what they feel like doing and they all go for it because they are not aware of the world around. They are just themselves. We anxious people are every other people but ourselves. We are the rich guy, the sucessful guy, the amazing guy, the handsome guy, the guy with the perfect body, the guys with all the ladies, the world conquerer guy...everything but the guy we are right now.
So when I came back to me I felt no anxiety at all...it was like a miracle. That feeling of anxiety didn´t even make sense. Felt stupid to feel that way. It also made me realise that the problem was not masturbation even though Porn is the deavil. I understand now that porn makes us leave our bodies. We seek pleasure on others instead of within ourselves. No one is responsable for our pleasure but us. That is why that girl or that guy are never enough for us. We need something diferent everytime to try to see if it achieves the level of stimulis to feel good. No matter what we do nothing will ever be enough.
What is the solution then? It´s obvious to me now. Learning to connect to ourselves. Block everything from outside and focus on yourself. Thouch yourself, learn what feels good and what doesn´t. Learn to have pleasure from yourself will definitely improve everything about how you perceive the world and you will definitely not get addicted. If anybody think that he mastered this and got addicted is because he definitely did not. He went out of her body again. Pleasure is self destructive if done wrong. That is why orgams or dangerous: makes us anxious for more. And the anxiety excalates to other areas of our lives, because our reward center becomes damaged. We train it to quick fix that is obtainable from outside. All we think about is reward. Our lives become centered on that. We want people to like us... to be able to make us feel good...to be imediately recognized. We thing we deserve love, atention, friendship... People ows us nothing. You want something fight for it. But the solution will never be in others but within ourselves. ALWAYS.
Yesterday I was in the shower and started thouching myself to see how connected I was to my body. I can tell you guys that it felt off. I was definitely not connected with my body at all. I couldn´t even feel my thouches. I closed my eyes and focused on mlself, the sensations. It started feeling diferent...feeling pleasure... even though it was weak it was still something. And today It got better...more sensitivity. I got and erection and it felt great...rock hard...there was no fantasizing whatsoever...just the the focus on my sensations. And I can tell you guys, I have no brain fog, no craves, porn didn´t cross my mind and actually feel a lot better. I didn´t orgasmed... that was not the point... the point was to get in tune with myself. Also I am still avoiding orgasm for a while longer. Orgams definitely changes our brain chemistry. So the solution is learning how to get them. The answer as always is yourself. Orgasm through your sensations...orgasm through the connection you creat with yourself.
Even though some people may understand my words and the how it feels to feel like I am doing right now. Most won´t be able to see behing my words. I hope you do... if you do is because you are learning that you are the only one that can help yourself... that the solution is inside of you.. IT´S ALWAYS INSIDE OF YOU.