Hello chaps, Well I fear that I'm one of the more extreme cases on here. I've had a few wake up calls before where I've been intent on putting myself right, but with no support I've always swiftly relapsed and slowly taken myself down what can only be described as a dark route. Today, I finally intend to get my life back on track. I'll say a bit about why I'm here - please move on if you don't fancy an essay. I'm nineteen, and currently a second year student at university. I'm from a small village originally where everyone knows everyone, and so lacked any real exposure to sex and it's like until coming here. I recall being about sixteen in a class, and being asked by a lad whether I 'spit or swallow.' I didn't even know what he was talking about. Having always been a bit dopey around girls, I was a virgin (happily so!) until last year. More on that in a mo. Anyhow, last year when I was eighteen I discovered masturbation. I won't hit you too heavily with the gory details, but suffice to say that after a pretty fantastic (first time ever) orgasm I was hooked. I began to masturbate regularly, but not to any adverse effect. It wasn't too long before I lost all pleasure from it, and as time creeped past it became such a regular habit that it was sometimes preferable to other activities. I've always been a decent outgoing person, but over the past year I've spent far too much time wrapped up in my own head and masturbating. Fast forward now, to I would guess sometime around September last year. Down a pub with some friends, and one guy I didn't know too well before mentioned he'd once been with an escort in Amsterdam. As the conversation progressed, he mentioned that there were escorts in my city and anyone could find them on the internet. After getting good'n drunk, we walked home together and (because I'm renowned for my frankly useless approach to women) he thought it funny to take me through the red light district to see how I reacted to seeing prostitutes. As another month or two passed (I now lived alone) and this is where I would say masturbation became an addiction. I used to occasionally go on the internet and look at the local escort girls which I found a pretty good turn on. And hey, eventually, you can guess what happened. In one ridiculous moment I thought 'why not' and lost my virginity to one. This was my first wake up call that I was going down a bad path. With that barrier crossed, I had a taste for sex and the convenience of escorts. I haven't gone nuts, but I would guess I've slept since with five or six at a cost of quite a few hundred pounds. Not money I can afford. This, essentially, combined with masturbation to replace all other romantic intentions with women. At 19 I have still never had a girl friend or been with a girl that I haven't paid for. As life went on, one day I thought I'd save some money and walk home through the red light district. If there was a prostitute there... well why not? I had sex with a complete dog behind some bins but didn't cum. She said we could go back to hers for some more money. I paid for a taxi, we went to her house and she ran off into the house with my money. I lost £80 that night. That was my second big wake up call. I did nothing though and continued. I've had sex with one more prostitute like that, at least not getting money stolen from me. Then, the other day, I nearly ruined my life. I had just negotiated with a prostitute (my third) for sex in exchange for £15. She was a dog. The money changed hands and I was lowering my trousers... and then we heard a car. She swore, I turned around, and it was a police car. The policeman gave me a thorough bollocking - not telling me anything I didn't know, but certainly scaring the hell out of me. If I had been arrested my life would have been wrecked - I would have been thrown out of university, my reputation at home (where everyone knows everyone) would be destroyed and I imagine that I would have lost contact with my family. Thankfully he let me off with a warning. I carry on reliving this moment... it was the worst of my life. An utterly terrifying wake up call that made me realised how far I've fallen. I think I deserved to be arrested. I am a good, decent person and definitely not a criminal. I'm meant to have a strong moral code, which most definitely doesn't extend to sex with prostitutes. My life has fractured and I have no one to talk to about these terrible secrets that are burning me up in every living moment. What I've talked about above will always remain secret from my friends, my family, my wife - everyone. And so, here I am. It's time to put this right. I will NEVER pay for sex again. Aside from the fact I daresay I've funded drug addictions and probably helped human trafficking, it has severely affected my 'way' with women and I don't want to get any worse. My addiction to porn is very intrusive, and during almost every moment of my life I reflect on the mistakes I have made. Suicide has occasionally been on my mind, but I know that I'm valued and I would never do anything like that. It is truly wonderful to have these thoughts out of my head and in the world. Writing this has been therapeutic and, I must say, an absolute pleasure which has done me good. I'm about to read around the website and get an idea of what's what, but first thing first I pledge that I will never again pay for sex. It is time to start relationships with real women. In addition to this, the time has come to address my problems with porn. I pledge therefore to keep clear of masturbation and porn for the next thirty days - expect updates here every one or two days as I try and keep myself on track with this. It is great to be here and I look forward to moving forward.
Dude, congrats on your decision of giving up sexual addiction. Get a day counter like me and start a journal so that other people can help you...
WOW, this is one of the most impressive stories I've seen. Congrats on making the right decision. I've been in a similar situation where my life was almost ruined and I though that I will never go back to my past life but it took me a month to forget the lesson, rationalize my actions as something that could happen to anyone and go back to my old ways. That's why I'm here today giving myself a third chance. All I can say is that you shouldn't forget the lesson you learned. It might seem now like you never would but time makes some people forget things or make them seem not as significant as they were before. The real challenge might come in a month when you would be alone after a long day of work really frustrated about how hard it is to find a girlfriend and thinking along the lines of: "Well, maybe just this last time" and that's when your willpower would be tested. You have a long journey in front of you. I wish you the best of luck.
This is deep dude. Honestly like wow. Others have been in situations similar to you. But you are more trust me. These secrets you may tell someone one day but that person will probably be someone very close to you. Its time to climb out my man. Unless your like a rare 10% of people here you will take many attempts to beat this addiction but you can and will. Its a hard path and you will have success and failures all in the same moment. But always remember that its worth it and anytime you have an urge its not because YOU want to its because the damaged part of your brain does. There is so much more to you. Trust me. This is probably one of the hardest challenges and its easy to drop this one and pick up another. But you can and will. And when you relapse realize your doing better now. Always look at your progress never say this is where I should be because its already happened look at the mistakes of your past but live for tomorrow. Your quitting this not for you but for who your going to become your character. Also realize that by beating this you will also be correcting character defects fixing things. Also finding the underlying issue. I do it to escape reality when the burden becomes to hard. I know my streak right now isn't great but once I was on day 67 by luck. At every point try to face and confront the truth don't run away if you can. Well good luck on this challenge.
Hi Swifty, Congrats on taking the first step! I wish you the best of luck in your life's challenges! Stay Strong! fellow fapstronaut
Many thanks guys - really. It's nice to have words of support. I find it pretty surreal that I have engaged in this stuff... I think that in my case it stemmed from finding my life somewhat closed and repetitive. I seeked to prove to myself that I could do anything, be that good or bad. Someday I want to have children and look them in the eye as a decent role model. I want to be a good husband, and I want to make my parents proud. I have one life, and at the very least I want to do it with integrity. Anyhow, thanks for the warm welcome guys. If you need me you'll see me in my journal thread
Good on you for the post, it's hard to admit that kind of stuff. You're doing the right thing by starting here, from what I've heard porn addiction and using prostitutes are pretty linked so they may be related to some underlying psychological problem. Good luck.
You've done a great thing by coming here and posting this. I'm only a couple of years younger than you, and I'd already made up my mind to give up porn and masturbating when I read your post, but to be frank, your story is going to be a powerful reminder to me of how important it is that I don't go back to what I was doing before; it might well have ended up that way for me in a year or two! I'm thrilled for you that you're doing the right, brave thing to do in this situation. Basically every man in the developed world ought to be on this forum, whether he admits it or not. You've distinguished yourself as one who wants to improve. Good luck, and God bless!
Thank you Balderdash! Well done for being here that bit earlier. My eyes have sort of opened now to how damaging porn is - our minds aren't made for such a constant exposure to sex as we can now have today. Clearly I took it rather too far. I'm definitely on the road to reform now - what a great forum!
