SUCCESS! HALF A YEAR

VULNERABILITY WITH SUCCESS

I just came through a very difficult week with a number of challenges. On Monday, I knew that the schedule would be tough. And it was. And all went very well throughout the week. And as of late night, with everything completed, I felt great. It's at these times that my brain says, "I DESERVE A GOOD FAP".

This is so tricky. The sense of reward for doing a good thing can lead down a horrible trail. Last night I kept using reason. I would go from
"this is so tough, wow.." (which was my old inner monologue, a set up for disaster). Now, my intellect, which I have learned to use in the past month, kicks in to speak directly to the urge. It says "NO, NO. THIS IS RIDICULOUS THAT THIS IS EVEN BEING CONSIDERED. WE HAVE GONE 6 MONTHS WITHOUT THIS GARBAGE AND WE ARE NOT GOING BACK. THIS STOPS IMMEDIATELY." Like a parent speaking to a child's highly unreasonable request to do something dangerous. EVERY TIME this shuts it down.

Light up that part of your brain, your intellect, and exercize the authority.

I also pray for God's strength to order my brain.

GOD'S PEACE

 

Thanks for the response. Does FPMO stand for "fantasy" PMO?

 

With pride, I am trying to back down from unnecessary worldly respect. Moments when I want my opinion, past accomplishes, my story, my contribution to a solution, my very presence to be RESPECTED.

BUT can I back down from that? I can. There are times when you need to speak up when being disrespected, this is necessary respect - and then the struggle is with personal fear of confronting someone with assertive strength.

But there are more times when the seeming disrespect isn't disrespect at all. I just want to be the center of attention and I don't get what I want. I start pushing to be respected and I then look worse.

But can I discern between the two? Can I back down and let my pride die? Simple moments with powerful victory.

God's peace

 

That's a great way to put it. I have often posted about the initial danger of fantasy,"the laptop in my head that I have to close immediately." Too many people are relapsing because they ignore this aspect.

I like the order too of F PMO where fantasy (F) is placed before porn (P). That's how it hits, with the intrusive thought or intrusive memory that potentially leads to fantasy, then porn, the M then O. With fantasy your conscience take a split second to realize what's happening, but it's then that you're responsible and accountable to make a choice. I have not consciously deliberately entertained an intrusive thought or memory - meaning that I have not deliberately fantasized - in 195 days.

GOD'S PEACE.

 

Hit 6 months 2 days today.

I'm going to start to focus on sloth, laziness, in addition to PMO. It has had similar effects as lust and contributes to stress.

If I don't keep disciplined about daily labor than my life becomes unmanageable. I need to persevere and embrace work. Or I need to work smarter. I need to be more efficient.

God's Peace

 

Yes.
When you start dealing with thoughts, everything progresses. I used to go 5 days and fall. When I started getting serious and dealt with thoughts, I progressed.

In 18 hrs I will hit 200 days, no deliberate fantasy, or PMO. It works.

GOD'S PEACE!!

 

DAY 200
hit 200 this afternoon. Celebrated with a great meal.

I am learning a lot abut keeping healthy levels of dopamine up. Like healthy dopamine from a great meal, good conversation, great music, exercize, healthy TV, healthy books, etc. For so many years when I would try to quit PMO, I would place myself in a desert and set my brain into low dopamine production levels. Recipe for destruction. My memory would kick into survival mode and crave the highest dopamine source that i knew to get my brain up, quickly. I would involuntarily think about porn and not know why. It was my subconscious brain trying to "help".

I am finally, finally learning balance. Too many years of extremes and little progress.

I have to watch overworking in trying to catch up. I have to rest.

Balance.

GOD'S PEACE

 

Very cool that the reaction is automatic. I like how you talked about fearing lust. You get to a point where you don't want to have unwanted images in your memory - you don't want the dopamine hit and the temporary attachment. You like the freedom from PMO more than the high level dopamine from PMO. You set boundaries and protect that freedom.

Thanks for the reply

GOD'S PEACE

 

Yes - but the power of the urge decreases as you rewire your brain.

But as you teach your brain a new path, it will try to resist the change. The temptation is strong right before the brain switch takes place.
I'm on day 201. If a trigger takes place today, my brain is trained to deal with it in such a way that it loses power.

I thought this would not be possible. But I know where I am now and and I know who I am now. Your 20 days is BIG. Keep up that momentum. Getting past 3 weeks is a major hurdle.

GOD'S PEACE

 

6 months 3 weeks 1 day,

The longer I get away from PMO, the better I feel. Much stronger work ethic, deeper relationships, greater clarity, deeper, genuine laugh from the gut, more JOY than ever. Praying harder and very consistently, getting life organized, accomplishing tremendous goals at work.
Ability to contend with urges is AMAZING and swift.
Ability to see other areas of my life that I have ignored because of PMO - INCREDIBLE.
I have a long way to go in order to clean up other areas of my life. Namely dealing with working efficiently, but I'm doing it.

GOD'S PEACE TO ALL

 

Will hit 7 months this Friday. No PMO.

I am making great strides in the area of focused work ethic. Getting a lot done. Catching up and staying on top of things. I lead my organization and tend to let things fall that are important but didn't seem important to me when I was in the midst of PMO. Now I am having greater empathy for my staff. They are worrying less about tying up my loose ends and are feeling much more secure at work.

Getting a hold off your life with PMO reveals multiple layers of neglect in other areas. I did not even see it.

GOD'S PEACE

 

Healing

As my brain continue to heal, I am realizing just how much I used to depend on looking good for women. I convinced myself that I was better looking than I now think I really am. And it's ok, because I now know and truly love and like who I have become as a person. I depended on others'acceptance and affirmations, and I saw my appearance as a way to start a person to affirm me. Life was dependent on others and I gave up my control to others.

Now - I accept that I'm not the best at everything - before I had to convince myself otherwise. I was always comparing, envious, angry, fearful and despairing . No wonder I would find solace in porn. I created a problem by turning to it and perpetuated my problem by going back. Again and again. For YEARS.

But now I truly feel free, and accept areas that I am skilled in as well as those that I'm not skilled in. My relationships are getting better around me.

GOD'S PEACE