New to the forums

Though not necessarily new to nofap as a concept and way of life...

I guess my motivation for signing up to this forum and eventually starting a journal is that I want to do everything I can to take my issues seriously. I have PIED and DE (actually it barely happens at all with her, so "delayed ejaculation" would be welcomed at this point), both of which are seriously wrecking my relationship with the life partner. We both love each other but we both know that if the relationship cannot progress past this stage, the having bad sex stage, then... We are engaged but I fear we won't have a wedding, or the kids we would both like to have sooner than later.

A little history and when I came to know about pornography as an addiction and nofap as a thing:

Age 10: Sexually abused by two girls. They were in high school so I'm assuming they were between 14 to 18 years old. But they mentioned one year left so probably Juniors. It was not consensual and despite the stereotypes that exist about young boys and older girls/women, this was not something like that. I did not want to be there nor did I receive much pleasure. It fucked me up in subtle ways that I'm only now beginning to address. I was never in denial or repressed what happened, but the fact that my parents did not believe me kind of rocked my world. So I just ignored it and always had it "on hold" for later.

Ages 11/12- 17/18: High sex drive and libido, obviously. Wanting to take control of my sexuality on my own terms, I became very sexual, almost to the point of being deviant. I had sex with a different girl about once a week, sometimes up to five or six different partners during the five day school week. My aunt and uncle lived right across the street from my middle school. Since I would be picked up much later, and my uncle's mother was usually the only person home, and didn't care about anything except for making sure I was fed, I would sneak away to a nearby townhouse where I knew a girl like me lived. From there she would use whatever it was (some kind of instant messenger program at the time) to invite her friends over. The kids at the school I went to were fast. Maybe some hormones in the water. Anyway, if I ever have kids I will be that guy monitoring everything. Never mind the sexual things we did, some of the just plain stupid things we did... I'm surprised I never broke a bone or my neck.

First fantasies and porn use start around this young as well. But I was having so much sex that it was just a side thing. I started with none porn magazines and catalogs and did not have high speed internet until a bit later, but boy would I wait those 30 minutes for that one 5 second clip.

Age 18- ~20: It was around this time when I met my current partner, let's call her K (the one I proposed to nearly a decade later). We are both highly sexual people. Ironically, we met during a time when we were both taking conservative religious ideals very seriously, so we never actually had sex. We did everything but. Grinding with clothes on, making out, some finger penetration. Towards the very end of us being together I went down on her. In some ways, while she appreciates that I never forced her into anything (though towards the end I made it very clear that if she wanted it I'd give it to her), I feel like if we actually did have sex back then, especially if I was her first, it would give us a better dynamic to work with right now. She eventually lost her virginity a few years later in a way she describes as "rapey." Afterward she had a small string of relationships, had two wonderful kids, but never felt truly satisfied overall with most of her relationships and all but maybe a select few sexual partners. It kills me to say but I know while I make up for a lot, I'm currently in that batch of folks she doesn't enjoy. I can't last long enough. She says the sex is great while it lasts but it seems more akin to a snapshot as opposed to a panorama. I don't last long enough for either of us to get ours. What's truly insidious is sometimes I'll get a flash of porn imagery and I'll get hard again... but it doesn't last.

Ages 21- 28: Had a few shitty and not so shitty relationships, where I was faithful. Porn use was off and on, but started to use right before bed to relax and sleep, or in the mornings before school or work to help with anxiety. Also had a distance relationship that was open for the both of us. I went crazy. All I wanted was this woman but got in and out of short term things with multiple partners, etc. I started to feel guilty and started to rely more and more on porn and our fantasies. Eventually things fizzled out between us and I while I moped around for quite a bit for "wasting" a chunk of my twenties I started to put myself out there and start dating again. In addition to the porn, I was managing other addictions including poly-drug addiction (though mostly opioids), ADHD (which I only found out about much later), anxiety and depression. These all started to get worse, especially my addiction to narcotics. It was around this time when I met a girl, let's call her H. It's appropriate because I also started to smoke heroin around a similar time. I stopped the heroin relatively soon after I started, but still used other similar compounds. This relationship was very sexual and very deviant. I thought I was open minded until I met this woman. It was fun at first, but eventually I ended up doing certain things I wasn't initially comfortable with. Over time, even though I did not actually enjoy some of the things we did on a conceptual level, it started to actually turn me on. We explored a semi-successful attempt at polyamory. But it ended up not working out. After that I decided I needed to change my life. So I quit all drug abuse. As a result I lost my job due to the panic attacks and withdrawals. I was a wreck for quite a while. I went to the doctor and was put on klonopin for a couple weeks which helped me get out of bed and start rebuilding a bit, but after it was done I got worse. I remember it vividly. It was a string of four days. I never seriously contemplated suicide before that but on that fourth day I began to understand what it means to be in so much pain that you just cannot go on anymore. Thankfully I did not do anything stupid because the next day I felt a little better, and progressively better with each passing day until I just got to my usual base line anxiety and depression. During this time I decided to be single and "work on myself." But I was being avoidant and did not actually work on myself, not that much anyway. It was at this point when I started to rely on porn much more often. Obviously, it was a constant nearly my whole life, but at this point I would look stuff up several times a day. I did sleep with some women around this time but nothing really stuck as far as a solid relationship was concerned. There was a girl I met at the gym that I ended up having some good times with my heart wasn't into it. Some of the best sex I ever had actually, but I was so depressed that I started to ignore her calls and just lay in bed and stair at the ceiling.
There was this blow job by a very skilled TA in my history class (part of bettering myself was going back to school but that did not last, I'll have to continue some other time). It was my first day and somehow I managed to end up with her in the restroom of a pizza place at the end of the evening. I remember returning home that night filled with anxiety that sex would always be meaningless for me and I would die alone and I could not stop sobbing until the next morning. After that I gave up and would just fap to porn and close myself off from others even if they clearly showed interest.

Age 28 on: Reconnected with K. Except this was on her vacation. She know lived across the country. Things were wonderful during the honeymoon phase, though I am sad to say that it was probably wasted by being so far away from each other. Anyway, from day one, I had PIED and DE with her. If I knew what I knew now... I would have quit watching porn from day one when we got back together. But I did not realize my problem was one with my brain, and addiction. I thought it was maybe because I put on a few pounds and maybe my penis wasn't quite what it used to be. Well... it finally sunk in after I moved out to be with her several years later. My penis is actually fine (though losing weight will help). It's my brain that's been fucked over and the cues it sends my penis to achieve an erection are all inappropriate. There have been times when sex just gets "boring" (you guys must know what I'm talking about... not boring.. but not quite hitting the same pleasure centers that you're brain has become accustomed to) and I get soft... then I'll some porn scene will flash in my mind and I'll get hard again. But then I fight it or feel guilty for not being in the moment with her and I lose it again. As you can imagine, giving her vaginal orgasm has been difficult. I think there may have only been one (which was the night I first tried drugstore erection and libido stimulant pills) and then one time when she said she got somewhat close recently. Due to the delayed ejaculation (if I am lucky) I am frustrated as well more often than not.

How I know it was the porn: Once I stopped it and got to the first month I could not keep my hands off of her and just looking at her sexually would give me at the very least a halfchub if not a full erection. Unfortunately... we do not live together (because reasons) and our schedules do not always match up. So having access to her as a sexual partner is not always available to me. That's when I failed the first time and succumbed to MO. No P involved but it might as well have been since it was flashing in my mind. That's when the reality of the brain fighting itself became very apparent to me. The second time I shot myself in the foot was more recent. Edging! I was edging without knowing what I was doing. Apparently this is just as bad if not worse. The last time was especially lame. We went out of town and she was in bed with me sleeping. I had a particularly bad case of insomnia so I thought what the hell, maybe it will help me sleep. So I masturbated while touching her. The "good" part was that I was thinking about her (mostly), but I ended up sleeping only two hours that night anyway so it did not really help anyway. She wants to try couples counseling. I got some samples of "ED meds" (guess a brand name can't be posted here) from my doctor which I have not tried yet, but I know they're just bandaids and it's not really my penis that's the problem. It's my brain. My hope is that I can form memories and fantasies about her and with her and I by hopefully having more lasting power from the ED meds, and the counseling can help with some other problems we have been having. Though in my opinion, if our sex life were good, even halfway decent, we would have less problems to begin with.

So here I am. Day 8... again.

I'd like to start a journal though I'm not sure how often I will post. But at this point I will try anyway.

 

Well... I guess I don't have a specific strategy yet. I feel like some days I do not have the control that I desire over my own mind. But I try to think about how much I love my partner when temptation begins and how while this is for me, it is also for her. She has been so patient, and while I feel our relationship may not last, and I may end up being with someone else by the time I'm "fixed," I'm not ready to throw in the towel. So I mostly think about her. It's good, but I would also like to just be able to stop the porn thoughts on my own. Today as I write this it feels like I'm constantly battling. I'm exhausted.

 

Thanks D.J., will do.