Lost Hope

I'm 36 years old. I've masterbated ever since I was a young boy. It started to fantasies in my head, the "feel good" was amazing. Next came print, video and then the internet. I went from being a straight A student to struggling through college, grad school and professional school. I act out on nearly a daily basis. I've cheated on my girlfriend countless times, even when I don't really want to. I've been to various S fellowships (12 step programs) and even talked with a therapist here and there. I honestly never thought I'd be in this position at my age. I can count so many missed opportunities, debt and failed relationships as a result of my addiction. Reading the material here gives me hope. I never thought that there were so many other men out there that struggled. I've even thought of suicide at times, despite knowing that I have a lot to love for in reality. I desperately want to get better but don't have anyone I can truly be real and honest with about this. I feel like such a weirdo and those that know me would never know that I struggle with this. I wish I could go back to my preteen self and talk some wisdom into him.