Experienced long term relapser!

Hello Fapstronauts!

I am a 25 year old male and definitely not new to the NoFap challenge; i have been rebooting and relapsing for about 5 years. I am very new to the community though. I have been watching porn since i hit puberty, which was pretty late. Probably around 13/14 years old.

How porn has impacted my life
Masturbating and watching porn came pretty much simultaneously. At first it were just "innocent" pictures of naked women, then pictures of women performing lesbian sex. As my internet connection got better and my electronic equipment got more advanced i started to progress towards video's. This also started with "just" lesbian sex, but quickly changed into more and more extreme sexual acts.

When i hit puberty i was a very small and physically undeveloped boy compared to my peers. As they were getting experience with girls, i knew/thought i was unattractive to them. I remember hearing them saying things like "Automaticpilot? No, he's way too small!" behind my back. This hurt me. Meanwhile i was CRAVING intimacy and the only way to compensate for that was to watch porn.

This is how i started to wire my sexuality to a screen, associating everything related to sexual excitement to feelings of loneliness, shame and an overall feeling of patheticness. I didn't develop the experience necessary to make connections to girls, and my mentality towards girls was getting more and more distorted due to the extreme and sometimes even violent porn i was watching. A vicious circle developed: the more lonely i got, the more porn i started watching which resulted in more loneliness and so on.

As years went on i put more energy in developing my skills with women, and had some succes with this. Still i was oblivious to my problems related to porn. I had this weird love/hate mentality towards women. I hated them because i couldn't have them, but i was so extremely attracted to them it drove me crazy. Despite this weird mindset i still managed to get real girlfriends and several sexual encounters: i lost my virginity when i was 18.

It was around 19 years old when i got really depressed. I didn't know what to do with my life and i started to research the reasons for my depression. It must have been around this time i realized for the first time how porn affected my overall health. My journey towards self-improvement started and i took better care of myself. This was also the start of my mental war against porn in which i never fully succeeded.

Why i decided to quit using porn (again)
I have been in a fight against my porn habit for around 5 years. There have been times where i succeeded to stop watching porn while still masturbating. These were the most successful periods. There have been times i fully stopped PMO, but i eventually failed. There has been a period where i stopped PMO while having a girlfriend: this period was extremely successful to the point that i stopped counting. Eventually i still cave in. So i might even have had a successful reboot.

I never had severe sexual difficulties from porn usage: no things like ED. I even used to think it was beneficial to my performance because by watching porn i could last for hours without ejaculating. But i know from the periods without P that real sex is so much better.

The reason i'm going on ANOTHER reboot is because i am determined to shake this terrible addiction once and for all. Every time i start watching porn again the feeling of shame gets worse because i know i'm fucking myself up. Every session is followed up by periods of anxiety and depression. I know all the benefits of not doing it, i know all the cons of doing it, but i still do it. This time i'm am having a reboot and i don't ever want to go back.

I cannot do this alone. That's why i signed up for this community. Instead of just lurking and not participating like i did in the past i will be active. I need you guys/girls! Maybe you can help me pinpoint my worst triggers and help me shape a lifestyle free of PMO. I will be looking for an accountability partner and be posting journals when i feel it's helpful.

My reboot rules
I will consider my reboot successful when i hit 90 days without any combination of PMO. So MO will also be forbidden. I have a girlfriend so i am very lucky to not have to go through the hardest mode. Currently i am on day 8: i started on 3/11. My goal is to develop a lifestyle without PMO so i won't relapse ever again.

WISH ME LUCK!

Tl;dr: 25 yo male who has been rebooting and relapsing for about 5 years. Going on another reboot and with addition of the help of this community i hope to be successful and never relapse again!

 

Thanks guys,

My current strategies are:
- Using K9 webprotection to block myself from making bad choices.
- Emerging myself in this community to feel supported in my goals.
- Picking up my meditation habit again, to deal with urges.
- Pinpointing my worst triggers and making sustainable permanent lifestyle changes to work around these triggers.

 

No, i am not religious. I use mindfulness meditation techniques when i meditate.

Thanks, that's a great post. I'm already applying a lot that's in your post so its good to know i'm on the right track.

For anyone who's interested, i'm keeping a journal here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/automaticpilot-aiming-for-permanent-change.95130/