Addiction or another lie?

I thought I quit cold turkey, but later realized I was using porn subs for several months. I last PMO'd about 630 days ago - late June 2015 - but I last used a porn sub (or cybersex/roleplay substitute) in November 2015. Two things made it possible, objectively, to go cold turkey to the extent that I did.

The first is that my wife left and there was no way to suppress the knowledge, or ignore the fact that I had to choose between my marriage and my online cheating. Before this, I could keep myself relatively convinced that I'd be able to keep doing it, and still make my wife happy and be a good husband, at the same time. I know how ludicrous it sounds. The really fucked up part is that I've always known how ludicrous it sounds, but there was another voice in there that convinced me it would never really come to that, and I could have both. And the source of that voice also managed to shut out the part where, even if I could get away with it, I was betraying her, and lying to her, and treating her like shit. Sometimes that voice convinced me parts of that were okay; sometimes it convinced me parts of it weren't true; sometimes it was just so loud I couldn't hear anything else. When she's couch surfing with another man, and his wife because that's a better choice than living with you, in my case that was twice as loud as the dark side had ever managed.

The second is that it was out in the open now. There was always safety in the secrecy. The shame was hidden. The horrible person it made me was hidden. The weakness was hidden. The harm I was doing to my wife was hidden. I know that much of it wasn't actually hidden; it just manifested without apparent cause. Once it was out in the light, and I could say "that's what this is, and I don't want to be like this anymore, and I'm going to stop" and I could tell her about it and it was something she knew was wrong with me, and ... just once it's not a secret, it changes everything. It's unbelievable how everything about it, and your perspective on it, changes simply because it's no longer a dark secret in the pit of your soul. I actually had a chance to bring it up and ask for her help before this all blew up. I read an Esquire article about NoFap and it started talking about all the symptoms and it made me realize that all these things I hated about myself and wanted to change but somehow couldn't were because of this addiction. My first thought was to show it to her, and tell her I thought this was what was wrong with me, and I wanted to stop - I wanted to stop forever, and I wanted to be better, for me, and for her. Imagining showing her this article and saying that was actually this beautiful moment in my mind - really. But then the other voice came in, with its cool and calculated logic. "No no no - don't tell her. Quit, but don't tell her about it. Do it on your own, so she doesn't have to bear the burden of it. Do it so all of it can just stop and she isn't forced to deal with what's your problem, not hers. It will save her so much pain." All of that actually made sense to me. I bought it hook, line, and sinker. The addiction successfully protected itself - also by convincing me I wasn't like the other guys on NoFap and I could just stop, because I was me, and I was better than other people at stuff, so I shouldn't go there and talk to all these weirdos that have real addictions - I just have kind of a problem, not like all of those pathetic guys on NoFap, right? Right. Wrong. Oh how fucking wrong. Then ... ugh the way it happened I will still never talk about with anyone but her, to be honest. The thing that brought it out in the open ... I just charged forward destroying myself and our marriage, rationally knowing all the consequences and yet somehow convinced that - I'm not even sure exactly what I was convinced of. That the consequences wouldn't really happen? That they happen to other people, not to me? That I'd be able to get out of them? That it would all blow over? I have no idea. But I knew them. I knew what I was doing, and what was going to happen. I just couldn't stop.

But then, she made the choice between her, and the porn/online sex tangibly clear by leaving. It was unignorable that she was living elsewhere. And, the whole of it was put out in the open and she called it out for what it was.

There is one thing I said, the day she left, that I wish I had the chance to explain to her. So maybe it will help you if I explain it to you. I said "I can't believe I let this happen." She replied that I didn't let it happen, that I made choices and took actions, and that I did this. I didn't let it happen. Nearly a year later, I actual remember the singular moment when my sexuality became normal, I finally understood why I would say and believe that I "let this happen." That's truly what it feels like; that's what is true to the addict's brain. Until the moment I had the first normal sexual feeling/thought, I think in my life but definitely in 20 years, or maybe it wasn't the first but I'd never recognized the two kinds before? Until that moment last year, I didn't realize how sexual impulses were handled abnormally by my brain. You see, in my brain, the sexual thought/feeling would automatically send the signal to begin whatever action logically followed, based solely on the desire experienced. Before I rebooted, when I walked by a woman whose ass I found attractive, the action that logically followed was to touch her ass. So, the neural signals to begin the process of touching her ass were started. It wasn't a matter of choosing to touch her ass, or not choosing to touch her ass. It was a matter of choosing to stop myself from touching her ass, or not stop myself. The passive choice resulted in an overt action, because it started all by itself, without conscious decision. The active choice was inaction. That's what I experienced that day. I was getting changed, and had on a pair of boxers that, when they moved against me a certain way, aroused me. And that was it. I was aroused, and nothing else was happening. If I just didn't do anything, nothing happened. I was astonished that I wasn't having to fight to keep my hand from going straight down the front of my boxers. I got it. I suddenly got it. This was normal. This was why people don't understand why you don't just stop doing something that's obviously hurting you, and people you care about. This is what it's like for them - possibility arises in the mind, and unless you say "yes I deliberately choose to act on this" then nothing fucking happens. I was floored. I had no idea it could be like that. I thought everyone was like me, and other people were just better at suppressing their actions. I didn't know that the very way I experienced arousal was abnormal. I didn't know that other men were not constantly fighting it off. And I was. The reason I've never been arrested for groping a woman in public is because the consequences in the grocery store were high enough to motivate me to fight the urge, and avail myself of an escape from the situation. But online? There were no social barriers, and the consequences were abstract, and not immediate. So, I wasn't motivated to fight it off. I should have been. But I honestly thought most guys were the same as me. I honestly thought almost every man's sexual desires had the power over them that mine had over me. I didn't know it wasn't normal, because it was my normal. For someone whose sexual feelings are normal, why would they think mine were different from theirs? I thought theirs were just like mine, so of course they must think that mine are just like theirs. Now that I've experienced life, and experienced sexuality in the normal way, I see why someone would think "just don't do it... is it so hard to not do something?" But, well, yes. It is. Doing the thing is actually what happens when we do nothing.

The realization was life changing. "I have a sexual feeling, and I can choose to do something about it, or not. To do nothing, I don't have to do anything. HOLY SHIT THIS IS WHAT'S NORMAL ISN'T IT!? HOLY FUCKING SHIT I WASN'T BETTER BEFORE, I WAS JUST LESS SICK! IT TOOK 258 DAYS BUT THIS IS ACTUAL HEALING! I CAN JUST NOT DO IT!"

 

I understand your feelings. You are definitely not crazy.

Only your husband will know the truth of what his past held. Nothing we can say can guide you one way or another to find out. As you said, there are some out there that claim 'addiction' when it was just them pushing the boundaries of fidelity. They think if they can make it 'not their fault', but some outside factor, they can escape accountability. The truth is that no matter why it happened, there has to be some rebuilding that happens after. It means communication has to be practiced, trust regained, and some clarification explored. If you are 2 years in and still feeling active concern, it does not sound as if that rebuilding occurred. It sounds like it is possible it was swept under, and that is why you are still trying to intellectually and emotionally connect the dots.

I don't want to offer a pessimistic view. There are those that once caught, and have to come clean that can put the temptations down, and walk away. I don't mean it's easy, but they can just stop. Some do just need someone to step in and say, 'I'm not ok with that' to find their motivation. You hubby might be one of the good ones, that just needed a boundary from you.

No matter what happened, there are some suggestions I would recommend for any couple:

(First a disclaimer, I'm in the process of divorce from a 17 year marriage, where she very much cheated on me. My advice is only based on what I learned I should have done after the fact, and may not be worth much as it didn't actually 'save me'. So take it for what its worth. It's very possible I'm totally full of crap in this)

1. Communication: Late in my relationship, I finally read an article that described how you should actually communicate your needs. I've always been a little shy. So I worked hard, and gave her everything, and felt uncomfortable in prioritizing myself. I never learned how to communicate my needs and wants effectively. It lead me to feeling constantly rejected as ultimately I didn't have any real idea how to approach and ask for intimacy, or caring connection when I needed it. If you google 'how to communicate needs in a relationship', some of the advice was so powerful and meaningful, without being intuitive. (I can send my favorite article on this if you like, but a communication class can be so very helpful for any couples)

2. Couples bonding rituals: There are couples bonding practices which are designed to increase the connection you have with your significant other. There is one on these forums call FANOS, which is designed to be a daily ritual of admission, appreciation, apology for couples to practice communication and find a way to lovingly connect. The fact that you have 2 years of time passed and still doubts, I would highly recommend you ask he participate with you. Even if not this, there are other practices to help you rebuild confidence, by creating a ritual where by you can both demonstrate your commitment and connection for one another.

3. Seek counseling from other partners: There is a great support group here on NoFap called Significant others support (SOS). I would recommend you join and talk with other partners. While we in the regular Nofap forums can offer you perspectives (not excuses) for what might be going through your hubby's head, they can offer you support on how they are dealing with this issue. Send @IloathPwife a message if you need help getting signed up.

4. Seek independent counseling: Again since you are 2 years in, and still trying to figure out 'what the hell', it is possible that you have been 'gaslighted'. I don't want to cast doubts on your hubby. But with my experience with a long term cheating partner, I have to admit that it is possible that manipulation occurred, and may even being ongoing. The only way to fight manipulation, is to get independent counseling so that you can find a safe place to explore what messages and thoughts you have been having, and to determine if there were outside influence in it. (I went through this, and it helped me find positive understanding of myself, and to better learn how to guard for new manipulation)

5. Seek assurance now (and ongoing): (I list this one last, as I find it the least helpful, and possibly most destructive step. I don't believe it necessarily brings the right chemistry to healing, but it is a choice when you find inappropriate behavior and infidelity). There is a saying, 'never look for answer your not prepared to find'. With that in mind, while it would only seek to hurt you to fully know every detail about his history, if it's truly over, then you should be able to now make routine checks to assure yourself of that. (This step isn't always practical, as PMO consumers/cheaters may have gotten very good at hiding their behaviors) Still, it's not a breach of confidence if you decide you want to investigate where you are now. He gave you cause for concern, and it doesn't sound like he gave you enough answers to truly know the depth and full truth of the situation. Drawing a boundary and communicating with him that you feel insecure, and need better means to find that assurance may be a good step for you. In short, it's perfectly reasonable that you draw the expectation that he has to engage in special steps to provide you with ongoing transparency to what he is doing now. With that, he would need to open his digital life to you fully. Then you need to make a habit of learning how to effectively check for inappropriate uses. (Again, this will only work if he isn't truly devious.)

It sounds like you already have some experience with this, but I offer some basics of areas to look. That would mean you would need to check computers/laptops, tablets, phones, phone bills, for pictures, movies, text chats, contact lists, email accounts and internet history. While internet history can be scrubbed, sometimes phone bills can be very telling in showing you text details (from/to), and bandwidth usage. In some cases just the apps he has chosen can be very telling. (There are private anonymous chat apps like 'kik'. and a grown adult not working in photography has no need for instagram or snapchat.) Obviously dating apps like tinder or the like is a red flag. (Just be aware, that some cheaters may have a burn phone (which is a pre-paid phone so they can be anonymous). This leads me to reviewing financial statements to understand if any money seems to be misappropriated (look for cash withdraws that happen frequently). He needs to offer these things to you, and if not, he needs to give you very clear reasons why he can't and won't. (There are very few valid reasons why someone can't, but one valid one is they work in financial industry where customer rules means you can't access his phone without breaching his customers privacy. Doctors have similar rules, as well as lawyers, etc.) Even in those circumstances, you can have him hold the phone and 'drive', with you looking over his shoulder to see and direct him, without violating the rules)

All of this goes under the axiom of 'trust, but verify'. You have given him the gift of unconditional trust before which was abused, and if he was a addict that you would be helping him, by showing ongoing concern that he stays his course. (It does have negative implications. It doesn't send a message of trust. It is nagging, and it does put yourself in a role where you have to monitor like you would a child. It can be unnerving to a partner even if they aren't cheating, in just having someone outside touch your private digital life just in that they might accidentally change settings. It also doesn't give him space to be an individual. Couples don't need to know every detail of each other and all their conversations to be healthy. That being said, he stepped outside the boundaries of the marriage, and had to be caught to address it. He claimed it was addiction that drove him there (and not his own personal mistakes). So you are in full rational mindfulness if you proceed.)

 

This is amazing and so enlightening to me!! My partner is brand new to the realization of how PMO has been slowly destroying his life. It began to surface Tuesday night when I discovered his text affair with a "friend" he has even introduced me to. Then the next morning, he confessed to the P. I don't know what lead him to discuss that. I think it was talking about how hurtful the lying and secrets were, more than anything (I hadn't yet read the texts so believed him when he said it was just friendship...that ship sailed Friday night). So in an effort to be honest with me, he revealed the porn use. He told me he'd tried to quit and, with tears in his eyes, asked for my help. I'm such a research geek, I immediately hopped onto google and here we are. I sent him the link, he thanked me. But he did nothing further. Your comments about not thinking you were as bad as the poor schleps here resonates because I think that's what he believed, too. I laid boundaries. Either he got fully involved in the rebooting process, including journaling and seeking accountability or we were done. He did. He spent several hours last night reading here, and writing his first journal entry. I believe we will get through this and be ok. Or even great. But reading what I quoted here from you is such an amazing peek into the mind of the addict. It explains his behavior exactly, and gives me hope that he will have the "ah ha!" moment like you some day. Thank you so much for sharing.

 

(I'm not a counselor, nor do I have aspirations to be).....

However, if you think it will help. I would be willing to talk with him one on one in private message, to help him get started. The concept is simple, but there is so much emotion attached to it, that perhaps having a person to talk with can help with some confidence about it. (Don't force him into it, just offer.)

In any case, it sounds very promising for your relationship that he has realized the issues.

 

At least someone's relationship is benefiting from what I'm learning.

 

I'm trying.

 

And alone.

 

Marriage is permanent, and indissoluble.

 

Maybe. In Deo confide.