Never want to have sex

Hey all! I'm new to this site. I have had a few unsuccessful tries at rebooting in the past but I've never made a concerted effort for it. I am really hoping that this time I can manage it.

I'm gay and I grew up in rural England. I was about 12 years old when I got my first internet connection and due to my isolated location my only sexual outlet from 12 till about 16 was porn. The first time I ever had a real sexual encounter I couldn't get an erection. I've suffered my whole life and I really feel like I have fucked up a huge part of my brain.

I am happily married to an amazing partner who knows all about this and is extremely supportive. We got married about a year ago now but we haven't had sex for about a year and a half. Yeah, he still married me anyway - he's genuinely amazing. I am kind of scared by it and totally turned off by the idea of sex and the whole thing is terrifying and makes me very very sad.

My partner and I are in an open relationship (My idea) so he gets some gratification every now and again but I know he would rather be having sex with me than other people (His words) so I want to try and get better but I just feel so fucking far from that at this moment in time.

I have always been extremely choosy when it comes to partners and so haven't had many throughout my life and I have had very long periods being single (5 years a pop usually) although I have had no problem going out and finding a sexual partner for a fling if I wanted it - I just never really did that much either. So I think I have many many years of brain abuse on this to reverse so I think this is going to be particularly hard for me.

I don't think I have any other choice but to start Hard Mode (Which i started last week) just because i'm 32 now and 20 years of my life has only really been about porn. I have a feeling this is going to take years to get over.

I'd love to hear from people with similar experiences. I am terrified about all of this but I hope one day that I will actually want to have sex. I don't understand how a fairly normal dude like me should ever feel like he literally never wants to have sex. It makes no sense and makes me very sad.

Please if there is anyone out there who has had a similar experience I'd really like to hear from you xxx

Tom

 

This is probably the wrong answer but I think I'm just going to wing it for now! I have pretty decent self control when I want to and because I've failed a number of times I hope that I will be motivated to actually succeed this time.

I think I do have one strategy which is to avoid getting drunk alone. I think the temptation to PMO will be much worse if I was drunk and had the opportunity so I think i'm doing that.