Here is my Long Confession. Advice welcome, especially anyone with Depression/OCD/Anxiety/Guilt

For the past year and a half I've been trying to push through NoFap off and on with my longest streak 28 days. For the past month I had a 14 day streak and I was hit with overwhelming guilt/anxiety and I gave into my urges. I'm currently on Day 13 and the past 3 days have been absolute hell for me, not in the sense that I feel the need to "fap" but me dealing with some suicidal thoughts.

Now before I go ahead, I'm going to try and keep as little melodrama as possible and try not speak in so much hyperbole.

I'm going to assume that I started masturbating around the age of 12 - 14, I honestly have no idea when I started but it was somewhere in between there. I did it a lot and I don't remember ever really being addicted to porn, just pure masturbation. I was an extremely overweight kid who was manipulative, whiny, and spoiled and I blamed everybody else for my problems. A lot of that lasted until I turned 27 and I'll be 29 very soon. My grandfather passed away about a year and a half ago and that's the moment that I feel like self-awareness really decided to show itself to me and it made me question the type of man I am and the type of man I want to be. Coupled along with meeting the woman of my dreams and the only person I've ever truly wanted to spend my life with. I would like to mention that I suffer from a Binge Eating disorder and addiction does run in my family, so the dopamine rush thing I completely get.

I dated a great girl for five years but I rushed into that relationship at such a young age because in my mind I thought that being in a relationship was the only thing that could make me happy. I lost a ton of weight, met a great girl who was in another relationship with another guy and in my sadness/infatuation with her I tried to just find a pretty girl to date because I thought that would solve my problems. I was wrong on so many levels, because you truly have to find yourself and make yourself happy instead of depending on other people to give you true happiness. I was an awful boyfriend to her in the sense that I lied all of the time about my feelings about things, I wasn't man enough to stick up for myself, and I was very inadequate in the bedroom which led me to being angry. We were in a long distance relationship for 5 years and she and I probably had sex only 10 - 15 times and I was so insecure with myself because I couldn't properly perform. I think that came from my over excessive masturbation or so that's what I surmise.

She and I finally broke up, in fact it was a pleasant break up and she and I have no problems with one another so if anyone tells you there is no such thing as a mutual break-up, I can attest that there is. But I digress my grandfather passing away made me start viewing myself in a completely different light, it's almost like this new man awoke in my body and saw this stupid immature "POS" that I was and my guilt started to eat me alive. That's been going on now for about a year and a half and some days are so much worse than others. When I feel my self-worth is at stake it makes me feel ten times worse.

Getting back to the reason I feel so much shame and guilt is over the porn that I have viewed in my time. I can honestly live with knowing that I've watched Gay Porn or transgendered person Porn because I know I'm not sincerely attracted to men. But the shame I feel comes from the fact that up until I was probably 25 I would masturbate to teenage girls. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to even be admitting this on a forum, but the guilt is destroying me even though it's been years. The thing I masturbated to the most were sex scenes in movies or homemade porn because it's not as gratuitous or fake to me. But there were times when I would sit there and watch things like Gay Porn, transgendered person Porn, and I would search for pictures of Teen Nudist. I never downloaded anything illegal, I know that much for sure but that's no excuse for my actions. I don't care that it was a few years ago now because the fact that I was doing it into my mid-20's shows you the screwed up mind I have. I don't know why I couldn't have just actually felt guilt then and now it makes me think that I'm this horrific monster and maybe I am and I deserve this guilt that I'm feeling now. I always convinced myself that it was just me looking at taboo because it was wrong, but what if it wasn't.

In real life I'm very much in love with an older woman who is genuinely the greatest person I've ever met in my life, she's as beautiful inside as she is outside. I've always been attracted to older woman my whole life, so why did I have to do this disgusting and evil thing? Again I would just use my thoughts that I wasn't attracted to them actually because it was the same thing as watching Gay Porn or transgendered person Porn, which when I've relapsed I've watched them but I haven't searched for those other images in years. But I just can't let the guilt go and it's eating me up. I never considered myself to have a porn addiction because I can masturbate just fine without it, so then I start to think that maybe I'm just a sick freak because I'm not actually addicted to porn. But then I realize that there were times when I would masturbate 4-5 times a day and I don't think that's normal.

I know that I need to talk to a psychologist, but I'm terrified to tell them these things. I'm terrified to be writing it on a forum that is dedicated to people who suffer from addictions to these things. But I'm at the point that I welcome judgement and I feel like I should be locked away. I've posted these things on forums that deal with subjects like OCD or Anxiety and the people on there think that I have "Real Event" OCD. But maybe I'm just using that as an excuse. I just wanted to come somewhere and confess everything because I want to show everyone that this is what your impure thoughts will do to you. I'm so worried that everyone who thinks I'm a good guy will actually find out that I'm some sick sexual deviant and I will be shamed and won't be able to live your life. Please step away from the porn and live your life the best way possible and meet someone who will blow your mind away. Someone that you realize is what every story you've ever heard/seen/read refers to as a soulmate. When you find that person be the best you that you can be. I'm sorry for everyone I make uncomfortable with this post, I just needed somewhere to let all of this out.

I know that this message is all over the place, but I just need some advice/opinions/help from everyone. Thank you for taking the time to read it if you did.

 

Why wouldn't a guy in his 20s be attracted to teenage girls. He made it clear that he didn't watch anything illegal, so they would have been 18 or 19. I don't understand the guilt over this. It is legal, natural and normal to be attracted to teen sex.

 

IGY the things I searched for where "Teen Nudist" on google images, I'm 99% sure that some of them weren't of a legal age and you see other pictures when you search for nudist. I'm not advocating what I did, in fact I'm condemning it because it's not in line with what I like. I could go from watching Sex Scenes from a movie, to watching gay porn, to look up those images. That's how I was, it's no excuse and I'm sick at myself for doing it. I posted this on here to be judged because it's what I deserve. I wanted to come someplace where I thought maybe people had been going through the same thing.

 

To Bel, I'm a single man. The woman I'm talking about is a friend who I fell in love with. I see it as my punishment for the sins of my past and it's why I feel like I'll never be able to be with someone. I don't deserve someone as good as her because of how I used to be.

To CSLewis, Trust me I will never look at those pictures again. I stopped looking at them a long time ago, before NoFap even. I don't understand why it took me so long to realize how sick and twisted I was because I know I'm not attracted to young girls like that.

 

Well, there is no point coming to this community to be judged because you won't be. This is a community of empathic people with common issues, looking to support one another.

Web sites are supposed to show people of 18+. As for legal age, well that varies a lot, depending where you live. Here in the UK the minimum legal age for marriage is 16 for straight and gay partnerships. I still cannot see what you did wrong.

 

It's the simple fact that it goes against my moral code and that I actively searched for things on google images like that and there were things that popped up. I saw someone with a similar story on here and that's why I finally decided to post here. I've lived my whole life with this mindset that I'm a "good guy" and I believed in things like true love, one soulmate for everyone, etc. Then it wasn't until around two years ago that I saw myself for who I used to be and I've made attempts to make myself a better person. I'm going to sound like I have a giant ego, but the way it is now I'm an older guy who's around a bunch of younger guys who look up to me, in my workplace, and other great people in my life that see me as the person I am now and they don't understand that I have these dark secrets. If they ever found out about them I don't know how I would react. I know we're not supposed to care what others think, but unfortunately my mind doesn't work that way and I get that. I say I welcome judgement because I have no one to blame for my actions but myself.

 

Thank you for saying that and I will, just for the fact that I want people to understand what past guilt can do to someone. I fear telling others because then it's out there I guess. I live in the south and it terrifies me of what people will think of me, plus my closest friends are women. They have been the biggest contribution to my change in attitude. I guess that does make me a hypocrite and I will probably tell them someday, I'm just not ready.

 

I see, I understand where you're coming from now. It sounds like something you need to explore with a priest or imam.

In view of what you said about your moral code, needing to be judged and punished. I offer the same suggestion again. ^

 

I plan on setting up an appointment with a psychologist on Tuesday to talk to them. The way OCD works, and again I may not have it and I may just be using it as an excuse, is that me searching for these things and asking about whether or not it's OCD is just a compulsion and won't let me feel relief in the long run because there's always going to be one minuscule detail that's off and I won't be able to accept it. I think everyone who has posted on here and talked to me and again if anyone has any OCD/Anxiety tips for the next few days, then please just let me know. Thank you for taking the time to welcome me and talk to me, I hope I didn't offend anyone.

 

Keep hanging strong brother and I'll be sure to let you know how everything goes whenever I'm finally able to start talking to someone. It's like I can be fine for days, weeks, a month or two at a time and it's just the most overwhelming feeling I've ever had. What OCD does it take that morally gray area and puts it into black/white and since porn isn't really considered a "good" thing, you know which side it's truly classified. The way it works for me is that say I go somewhere and post this same message about my problems and ten people respond. 9 people can sit there and tell me that I'm not the monster I think I am, etc. etc. etc. but 1 person may say something negative or give their true opinion and it'll be the one I focus on the most. I don't know how much you've searched for it CS but I would recommend reading more about "Real-Event" OCD, it's helped me but then again it's a minor fix. I have much bigger problems that need to be addressed and anytime you feel the need to talk about it or whatever just message me and I'll help you if I can.

 

I'm definitely prideful and I absolutely care about what others think of me, especially the people closest in my life. I want to be seen as a good person and I guess that at the same time I feel like I don't deserve to be because of the immense guilt. I'm probably the epitome of a walking contradiction. Like you said, it's late and I hope I'm not coming off like I'm arguing with you. In fact I love you bringing up questions like this, the thing that terrifies me the most is thinking that the person I love the most in this world could ever think of me as a horrible human being. I feel terrible, I think, because I realize that I haven't been the person that deserves someone like that up until maybe a year ago and the guilt is weighing me down. I love thought provoking questions and questioning who I am, thank you Rog.

 

I will do that, I'm hoping this person I'm going to see will know how to properly treat OCD with CBT and who knows, maybe I'll discover that I don't actually have it but I'm hoping more than anything that I do because I don't know how to deal with myself if I don't. Sorry for being melodramatic.