My wife doesn't initiates sexually and I'm feeling she's not into me sexually

Hey man. I have the same exact problem with my girlfriend that you have with your wife. And I'm almost on Day 60. Honestly, the only thing I've noticed that helps is communication. Let her know that you don't feel wanted. I've gotten so bad that I have a dream about twice per month that my girlfriend cheats on me. So definitely let your wife know now before it gets too far out of hand. If I ever fix the problem with my girlfriend I'll definitely let you know because it is a struggle.

On the bright side, good job on 15 days so far. Keep at it. If you're like me this week will be the most difficult, but everything after will be easier. And you'll start seeing results. Definitely don't give. You're so close!

Good luck!

Dragonslayer

 

Hey No_Free_Lunch,

Regarding your need to start things, my wife is like that. Has been like that before marriage (more than 20 years ago). Now, that does not mean she does not desires me; is just the way she is. Once I start the action, she is great.

But it was not like that 4 months ago. I was on the edge of ruining my 14 years of marriage because my addiction to PMO (more than 35 years). There was a point where my sex life with her was 0, I only could get it up with porno but not with her. So from the technical point of view, with real women, I had a combintion of ED, PE and DE all because of porn.

I am not an expert or anything, what I can tell you is that for me, PMO addiction was like hell and I am happy to be out of this for good, I am cured and resumed my sex life. What I have read from other guys that are married, PMO addiction is a common denominator of libido and performance disorders that cannot even cured the pills. So, if you have a good thing with your wife now, try to stop PMO as soon as possible, because the consequences on the long term can be very ugly; at least that was my case.

One of the things you must set to stop PMO is a good reason to do so. I think that mantaining healthy sex life with the one you love is more than a good reason. So you are totally right, the addiction must be to your wife, Porno is not reality but your wife is.

Take care and stay strong.

 

Hey there! My girlfriend and I seem to initiate sex about at a 50/50 rate. This contributes mostly to communication for us. Sometimes I'll start it 3-4 times in a row or even 6-7 but she always come back with a few times of her own right after. This past week since I told her I've stopped fapping entirely, she's initiated sex 5 times. I've tried 3, and been denied ALL 3 times. This mostly is because I do overnights,she does days. So when I come home she is there and I'm wide awake she is still sleeping and that's why I get denied. [never mentioned quitting porn to her though she doesn't know about that.]

I am more forgiving, though. She initiates sex a lot with me later in the evening right when I wake up. So in this case I am tired and she is wide awake. So I think timing + communication can be a big thing. Also she knows I've stopped fapping so she is making a valiant effort to keep me happy.

I would say also that there are other factors possible as well. I don't want to call you out or anything but I don't know much about you. If you have gained weight and she doesn't want to tell you, that is still communication there but that could be an issue. Another issue is unemployment. I know this may not seem like a big deal, but it is. My dad always tells me "If the money is right, then the sex is right. If the sex is right, then the money is right." And the meaning is that men will provide when the sex is right, and women will provide when the money is right. If one of those things isn't right, the other will quickly decline. That's usually because both sides know what the other side wants and when one stops, so does the other quite quickly. I would ask her if the job thing is a big deal. Then be honest with yourself if she answers no if she was serious.

The other issue could be simply you haven't told her how you feel. That's a tough one and I've had to tell my GF a few times that I felt like she wasn't initiating sex enough and that it was all me.

That conversation is tough because you need to get your point across but you also need to be extremely sensitive and not come across as accusing her of not being attracted to you EVEN THOUGH that's how you feel. You'll have to mask those feelings and just politely get it out there somehow. I had to tell her a few times over the last four years.

So just make sure you are conscious of that communication and of her feelings. You need to also make sure your point does get across otherwise it will just be ignored as a "minor" thing when it is really a "major" thing that does need attention. Also be glad you can even have sex. Some guys are married and even if they try they can't get their wives to give it up. It's a sad sad world out there sometimes in the married life.

 

This is just the way gender roles work. If you pay really close attention to the pattern, females will be unresponsive to you if they're upset with you. This is the classical notion that women control men with sex. By being the receiving partner, they gain that power, to deny you when they're unhappy. As well, females gain a lot of sexual pleasure vicariously--it's more important to them that they be seen as sexy by you than that they achieve sexual release. This endless dance with the male initiating sex is also a tool that encourages stronger emotional bonds in the minds of women.

Only a woman who's very satisfied emotionally will initiate sex. If you've ever been woken up with fellatio, and you wonder why, it's because you're being rewarded for doing something right. They're basically training us like dogs, but it's not so bad. What they want is fairly reasonable. Just do your duty as a boyfriend and you're fine. Drink beer, play xbox and ignore her, and she'll become very cold and unreceptive towards you. Be a gentleman, take her to dinner, and listen to her feelings, and she'll wake you up with fellatio.

For a more detailed explanation of this, I suggest reading The Naked Ape by Desmond Morris.

 

I know from experience that working in the Military can be very stressful. If she is working and preparing for a deployment that can increase stress so, maybe her mind isn't in a great place. In addition to that, if you don't live on post she will have very early mornings to drive to Physical training. My suggestion is to discuss it with her. Maybe make extra time on the weekends for love making? Also, maybe try to explain to her that you feel more desired when she initiates it. As an unemployed man who gave up so much for her and is currently living off of her wages, you may feel a little emasculated. That's natural and understandable considering society's norms. You could try to explain how all of this makes you feel and that you need her to make more of an effort to keep the fire going in your marriage. Also, attempt to remind her that it isn't that you are angry or upset with her, it's the exact opposite, it's that you love her and desire her so much that you just need to feel the same from her.

I would also like to add that you may be feeling a little worse because you have more time on your hands (I've been unemployed before and the amount of time you have on your hands makes you think and worry about things that you normally don't have time for). Finally, you can look into working with some of the military spouses on post. That way you can find some extra things to do (and even find work) to keep you busy.

 

Wow. I wake up to this a lot. Actually a lot more this year than any previous year. Especially lately nearly every day since I stopped PMO. I never considered that has to do with happy wife happy life. lol just took it for granted.

 

So I can definitely weigh in on this topic... I also waited for marriage before I had sex, my husband had been with 4 others (so he says, not believing much of what he says these days) and I've often felt like because I waited/we waited to have sex together-I will tell you something right now...it's hugely the emotionally connection for women, it's not hard guys it's really not but I guess it's not as easy as porn...put some effort into making an emotionally connection and you'll see she's into you but even then girls like to be pursued that's what turns us on-remember porn isn't real, women don't actually aren't like paid prostitutes, I know this sounds a little harsh but I'm actually meaning this totally genuinely...after being together 13 years and finding out this year that my husband has been looking at porn and who knows what else I'm really upset because I've always felt like I've missed out on having a good sex life and now I know it's because he's lazy and whenever I didn't make the effort he just turned to that... But I didn't know so I couldn't figure out why the disconnect...now I know.
Remember when you wait for marriage and even those who don't, it's not as exciting for us because all the romance and effort you put forth while dating is gone so it's more like "want to do it?" And my response is "umm not really" but if you laid next to me in bed and said "I'm so happy I married you, you're an amazing person, I love this this and this about you...you're so beautiful etc" then I would be getting in the mood or say I want to take you out tonight and really wine and dine and then sweet talk in bed -that's how you get the emotionally connection but remember you making the effort is what turns us on, so just let it turn you on too, being a man and taking charge should turn you on, don't worry if she's not pursuing it, she's a girl she shouldn't have to, it's in our nature. Also if you did what I suggested as often as you can for awhile to set the vibe of dating life again then you'll start to see her initiate some too...then you can slow down the amount of dating effort but keep it up, it's good for both of you. Also one thing I always feel like I missed out on while dating was that it's always at night in bed...it's just boring I guess because we're married...I never got to have the fun spontaneous sex, different times, different places...so I'd mix that up too. Good luck but I know first hand the porn is the source of this problem if you didn't have that lazy thing to fall into you'd naturally be working a lot harder to make it work with her sexually.

 

Dwizzy-so true. Good points hotshot as well!

 

I don't really feel you are in a position to tell a man what should turn him on or not. Granted, fapping and pornography aren't good things, but once a man moves past that it's up to him what turns him on in reality. I don't come on here and tell the female nofappers, "you should like this but not that", because I don't live my life as a woman. So, I think that when you give advice you should be careful not to try to direct a man's sexuality.

Basically, giving a suggestion based on experience is one thing. Telling a person what they "should do" or "should feel" is kind of out of line.

 

I would agree with this.

 

Sorry about that, I agree totally and I shouldn't have said it that way. I'm just not in my right mindset lately... I feel like I view the world and men so differently now and I hate that, don't mean to take out my frustrations here. This is actually the first time since this all went down last September that I've felt like I'm getting some good insight into all this. I really appreciate all the advice and hope that comment didn't offend anyone.

 

Also sorry about all the crazy typos, I'm typing on my phone so didn't double check it

 

Last thing-I could also turn my own logic on myself and say it should turn me on that my husband likes me to initiate...so yeah...guess that's not the best advice