Libido mismatch

Sex is an important part of any healthy relationship. If someone in the relationship feels their needs are not being met they should communicate that to their partner. If there partners is not willing to help meet those needs of the other partner or dismisses them... then I'd be looking to end the relationship. I don't I could be in a relationship that I didn't have have sex at least once a week on most occasions. If she's interested in meeting your needs she should be open to at least exploring potential medical issues for her low libido like a thyroid issue, Scheduling sex, or couples counseling. It's also possible she could have been sexually abused at some point in her life and have trauma that she hasn't dealt with yet.

 

I just posted this to someone in a similar situation as yours...

I'm sry you and your wife are struggling in the sex/intimacy part of your marriage. Many of us married couples are in some way or another. I have a few suggestions that may (or may not) help but def couldn't hurt.

1. The Art of Marriage - you can find information about it on familylife.com. My husband & I went to this weekend marriage conference a few yrs ago and it was awesome! Could save marriages in my opinion!

2. From that conference we got a couples devotional. It's awesome! Great for praying together and building intimacy. It's called Moments together written by Dennis Rainey & his wife.

3. The 5 love languages:
There is a quiz online. It's fun and can help you understand what she needs to feel loved and you can understand how you receive love as well. They can be very different for instance you might feel loved by "physical touch" and she might feel loved by "quality time" or "gifts", etc.

Also it boggles my mind why some women are not into sex. So I wonder a few things. Well a lot of things...

1. Has she ever O? And I don't mean telling you she has but has she really? Bc I can't imagine a woman not enjoying that.

2. What are her PMO habits? Has she? Does she? Has she ever M? Does she know her body and how it works and how wonderful it can be? If she was more comfortable w herself and how her body works it would def make her more comfortable in the bedroom w you.

3. As someone mentioned above. Why does she perceive sex as a chore or unenjoyable? Did she have a bad experience? Does she feel connected to you? Is she comfortable talking with you about this?

These are not obviously not things you have to answer to me but you should probably know the answers from her if you don't already.

Also Counseling might help if your both up for it. But settling for celibacy is just unrealistic and not fair for anybody especially in a committed marriage. Even the Bible says husband and wife should have sex often UNLESS mutually agreed to refrain only for a short time. Basically so that you are not tempted to stray from the relationship (via P or affair).

 

There is always a difference of libidos, and the difference not static. With pressures, menopause, medications and other factors the difference can grow or even flip. I think that I may be more comfortable on the short end rather than needing to get it up whether I feel like it or not.
Communication and mutual respect are necessary to arrive at a mutually satisfying relationship. PMO certainly wrecks the system, as do extramarital activities.
Best of luck with working through it.

 

I'm am SO and I think it would be helpful to know how old your wife is? Women after menopause take a series hit to libido and sex can be painful. How often do you want to be intimate and how often does she? I only ask because often one person's expectations are just unrealistic. If you always had mismatched libidos why did you get married? I think most couples face this issue at some point. Both people need to compromise on the issue. I do know there are some women and some men thsr say I don't want sex at all anymore or once a year and that's not okay. Counseling should be explored for sure so maybe you can get to the issue, but if she says absolutely not then if it were me I would lay out exactly what I needed and then consider moving on if she is unwilling to negotiate. On the flip side does she know about your PMO use? Have you lied to her? Many men who use PMO a lot don't realize how differently they treat their partners and that's not just in bed. They treat women totally differently and tend to be very selfish lovers but they will tell you they are absolutely not. Sex is in a woman's head, you need to reach her and connect emotionally and if you are able to do that the sex will come. I have a very high drive, and I am willing to do whatever a partner wants. But my partner is not only selfish in bed, but we have zero intimate connection outside of bed. I feel treated like an object. that tanks even this girls high drive.

 

Occasionally it is possible to have partners w the same drive. Unfortunately it seems to be the exception though. I feel that most of us with high libidos are mislead by our SO about their sexual appetite. I love my husband but had i of known that I'd be the one on the unsatisfied w frequency end, I don't think I would have married him. To me sex is such an important piece of the relationship puzzle. Without it you can't complete the puzzle. Who wants to spend time putting a puzzle together only find out your missing a piece?

And yes sex really is all in a women's head as @GG2002 said! It totally ruins it for me if I think he is only trying to pacify me, if I don't think he's into it (DE) or lazy foreplay just wants to jump to it. But I can be mad at him and still want sex, he on the other hand cannot do it if we're fighting.

 

Hi,

There is some excellent advice already in this thread. Here are my thoughts for what they are worth.

People's libidos go up and down in the course of their lives. If your partner's libido has never been high, even when the relationship was at its newest and most exciting then yes, it could be because of some long-standing unresolved issue, or she simply may naturally have a low sex drive.

The danger with the mismatch of libidos, whether temporary or permanent, is that is can cause resentment on both sides. It is easy for you to think, 'If she really loved me, she would want to do it for my sake'. It is equally easy for her to think, 'If he really loved me, he wouldn't be trying to pressurise me when I am not in the mood.' For your partner there may also be a feeling of guilt mixed in: 'I should be taking caring of his needs but I don't feel like it.' When you add in how important love making is to be some people as a way of strengthening the relationship and how difficult most people find talking openly about sex, this becomes a very difficult problem to talk about and resolve.

I know you've tried talking in the past without success, but I don't think there is any other way out of this without more open communication. I suggest you try just the two of you for a while but if that really isn't working then you may need to get professional help.

It sounds as though you love your partner dearly and want to stay with her whatever happens. Make sure she knows that. You need to talk to her about her feelings. You need to get across that you want to meet her needs. This isn't a case of 'you are not giving me the sex I need, so there is something wrong with you.' It is a case of 'I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, so I want to understand what you need.'

You need to find out what she thinks about your sex life as it is. Is once a month fine for her? Would she prefer never but feels that once a month is the minimum she can get away with? Does she truly enjoy it when you make love? Is it physically satisfying for her? What does she like about it? What does she not like? Get her to describe what a perfect day would be like for her that included love-making. What would happen during the day before you made love? How would the love making be - short? long? gentle? fast and furious? focused on her? focused on you? How would it finish? What would happen afterwards?

If you can manage to have that conversation - all about her NOT and not about your desire for more sex - then you can perhaps come up with a plan that will make both of you happier. It may be that if you find out what her needs really are then you can gradually increase her interest in sex and the frequency with which you make love. It may be that while she only wants full sex with you monthly, she would be happy to give you a quick HJ at other times. That way she demonstrates her love for you, and reduces any guilt she may feel, by meeting your need for an O. You demonstrate your love for her by acknowledging and accepting that she doesn't want or need the full emotional engagement of intercourse at that time. If she doesn't want to give you a HJ for whatever reason, then she might be prepared to kiss and cuddle with you while you gently bring yourself to O.

If you go for either of those two options, I think you need to have the conversation about PMO. Tell her that you have PMO in the past but that you want to put it behind you for good. Tell her that looking at porn feels disrespectful to her and almost like cheating and that you no longer want to have Os that aren't a demonstration of your love for her and her alone - whether they are through intercourse, her hand or your hand, you want your Os to be only with her.

I hope there is something in that ramble that my be useful to you. Good luck.

ANH

 

In my experience talking about libido mismatch does not take you anywhere. Just puts pressure on your partner.
You have to show her! Show her your passion, your desire. I am a very physical person, so I let my body do the talking. Nothing says "I want to have sex with you right now", than a deep sensual kiss.
Before starting with nofap, there was a libido mismatch in my relationship too. Now I get filled with lust so much when I see her and she wants more of that too.

An underlying cause of this could be that she´s not enjoying sex all that much. This would be something to talk about with your wife. Ask her what she likes about sex and what not.

Last of all, you can be intimate in other ways, without having PIV sex. Just lying naked in bed and stroking each others bodies can be very satisfying. Does she want to be intimate with you? If yes the problem is just in the bedroom and can probably be fixed more or less easily.
If she doesn´t you might have some underlying relationship issues you have to find and work on.

Good luck

 

wow!!! super well-said newhope!!! and very important to see all the sides of it as you eloquently point out.

the rest of your advice is not rambling, but pure gold IMO! I hope @John_forelander takes your advice to heart.

 

Thanks - I just hope it helps them both.

 

I have found if there is a mismatch in physical intimacy at least when I am involved things don't work out. If you can't show affection in some way to me that just means you are cold, unable to deal with feelings and emotions, or just uninterested. I don't mean massive displays of PDA but if you can't or won't hold my hand that's a problem. Love is an action not just a word.

 

I was also raised in a very expressive family. That's a factor too.

 

Spot on