Hi, I destroyed my relationship

My name is Xavi, I recently told my partner about my PA and all the lies that went with it, and also lies about other things ( I have a problem with lying). The worse about lying is that the ball gets bigger and bigger the more you do it. I came out clean with PA and then everything else. She had given me so many opportunities to be honest, but i couldn't, i couldn't, i did wanted to but I couldn't.
We were going to get married in 10 weeks, that is all cancelled, she feels cheated, lied, used, and like all our relationship was fake. She has lost all trust in me (she had caught me lying before and gave me more chances than i deserved) and she says she can't have a relationship with me with zero trust.
I want to to stop because now that is out I also manage to tell other people, friends and telling this to her and all the lies has liberated me, i think this time I can do it. Also started today seeing a psicosexual counsellor and hope that works. I have also put the filters up in my home network so I can't access it. I would love to be able to get back with her, but i think this is going to take a long time, I'm happy to wait for that, prove that I have improved and that I don't need to lie, and recover trust little by little.
I should have done this ages ago, but I was lying to myself about it...
well i think it sums up my situation -> screw up big time, girl of my dreams lost and I want to do this to be freer and in control of myself.

 

Thanks guys! If only I could turn back time and tell her in one of those occasions when she gave me the chance... Now she is hurt hurt hurt probably beyond repair and it is my fault .

 

so i found a lot of help in this post by @Septimus:
http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/aiming-for-success.41257/page-4#post-303825
I am not saying he is the only one that has made these comments, but it was the first one I saw and I think it is working for me. I had some triggering feelings today but I felt aware of them and I used my PLAN to throw them off and not fall into it.
I have:
1. committed fully to the cause. I have my second visit with a psicosexual counsellor today. I am tackling lying and PMO with her. I have also managed to get half price in a 1 week course (20h) with a very very good counsellor Penny Parks, this usually goes for £2200.
2. I made a list of why I want to stop.
3. I have burned my boats.. there isn't any way for me to access porn at the moment, it would take me time to do it, so I feel safe.
4. I made a full confession to my partner to starts things, it allowed me to feel free from that weight and actually tell even more people, friends, family and counsellors
5. I have read about porn addiction, addiction in general, addictive personalities, i have thought quite a lot about how i feel when in sucumb to it and also when I lie, and I have not let my mind dwell on those mental stages and changed to use step 6.
6. I made a plan of things i can do instead of lying and PMO. and so far it is working, these include exercise (pushups) and solitaire, reading comics in paper not phone.
7. meet my needs... I think my needs are stress relieve and feel in control. in my plan i have stress relieving options and I have a breathing technique I am practising about 6 times a day. The control thing.. I need to learn that nothing is in my control and control is just an illusion. As master Oogway said: "You have to let go of the illusion of control"

8. Accountability.. I am using this site for this, and from the moment I confided in others i found myself with a great support network in some of my friends.

I am not getting cocky, but I believe I can do it this time, just because it is out in the open. I feel it. I know there might be a relapse at some point (hope not) but i think i can deal with it and push forward with everything.