I told him I was done, that our marriage was over back in Jan. We'd be "playing house" (effectively married to the outside world, living as roommates at home) until our eldest got into a good HS (in 2 years). He decided to finally take all of it seriously, but the "Help Her Heal" videos are what really propelled him into recovery mode in my opinion. I told him he could do whatever he wanted during this time, I'm going to work on myself.
I will say this, that until HE finally came to the conclusion that HE wanted to change and realized that he had a problem that he wanted to fix to better himself (not for me), not just me telling him so -- nothing made a difference.
Thank you, I appreciate it! It is a such a difficult road, painful and though. I highly recommend self-care for S.O's, a whole lot of it, it really helps.
My husband is completely different as well, in a good way. He is such a different person and one that I like much better for so many reasons. It is still hard though because I do sometimes feel like I don't know him. Before, I thought I knew him better than he knew himself (I obviously didn't!), so that is a change. Even though it is a good change it is hard because it is just so different, an adjustment, and a constant reminder as well. It's hard to explain! The trust and feeling safe will take a LONG time for me to come back and they will never be what they once were.
Too true. I think the act of rebooting is a gateway to building this awareness that there is a problem. Hopefully the PA makes that choice to turn their life around, before it’s too late, and that choice is made for them.
For me there was a two-stage trigger. First I found out my wife was having an emotional affair that was in full swing. That by itself was a shock as it seemed so out of character, and I was so arrogant that I just couldn’t believe she would cheat on me. Secondly she found my ED pills, bought secretly to hide the addiction (you’d think the purchase of said pills might have been trigger enough but no ). Those two things were enough to make me think I might lose my wife. I was shell shocked for a while, then she actually intro’d me to a sex addiction counsellor who I met over Skype. In our first meeting I was still in denial and going through the motions of appearing to take the necessary steps. He recommended YBOP and I think that was when I found NoFap. And it was then that I started moving from sobriety to recovery - and I say that deliberately because it was a process that occurred over time (and is still occurring at some level). Reading journals here and the various materials linked, recommended even disparaged led to various revelations and gave me glimpses of how I had been, and how I could be and feel, and live. These gave me the encouragement that I really wanted to change. For myself, for my relationship, for my kids, for my family, for my friends, for everybody really. But mainly for myself - I’m still a selfish bastard at heart Oh, and the risk of losing my wife and breaking up my family was the very real, very present (and sadly continuing) threat. Don’t be surprised if that is what it takes to make your PA see sense. Edit to add: please don’t equate the difficulty your PA has in entering true recovery with his love for you. Do not assume that because some people on this site “see the light” by themselves without a d-day, or with a d-day but very suddenly, that they somehow love their SO’s more. I don’t think it works like that, and it really depends on the root causes of the addiction. If you’re an IA like me, then recovery means knocking down walls that you’ve spent decades building...