I've had such a strong addiction that made me do really fucked up shit and I'm having a hard time accepting it. I had to watch porn everyday and if I felt the urge to watch it I had to do it at that moment. Even if one of my dogs was lying next to me I would do it, when I was in the backseat of a car I muted the phone and watched it, if someone called me whIle watching I would mute the sound and keep watching. I'm so disgusted by my behavior but to me it didn't feel weird at all to do it at the time. Watching porn to me was like watching a TV show. One time my dog accidentally hit the paw on it while it was hard and that's when I finally realized I was in some deep shit and regretted all the shit I've been doing and since then I have been on nofap. I feel like such a sick person I don't deserve to live. Can addiction make you do extreme shit like this? Edit: I forgot to add that the dog was lying against my leg and I sometimes had IT out in the open if I was gonna watch for a long time, and sometimes touched IT a bit to get more aroused from the P, eventually just watching P didnt give me the arousal I craved.
It's been 2 months since I last watched porn but I just can't accept all the sick shit I've done, but since I finally realized I was doing these weird things shouldn't that be proof that it was the "disease" making me do these weird things and not the real me?
Thanks but how do I accept the things I've done when being an addict? I feel so disgusted by myself. Has anyone else done really messed up things due to porn addiction? Can a porn addiction make you do messed up things?
You pray about it and try not to engage in the behavior again and you'll feel better as time goes on..the more you abstain from such disgusting behaviors the better you feel. So next time you feel like touching yourself atleast dont do it next to your dog, go in another room...stuff like that. baby steps. your past is your past. leave it in the past and try not to think about it.
You haven't given any examples of the "sick shit" you've done. So, it is not easy to say if what you do is unusual or not. I don't see the relevance to be honest. What difference does a dog, cat, parrot, reptile, budgie etc being in the room make?
I am sorry to say this but if you don't accept it you will not be able to get better. You recognize that what you did was bad, use that to never do it again and make things right.
Honestly, unless theres more to the story it doesn't sound that bad. Ive seen stories on here by guys who would M in their cars and would try to get caught. That is what turned them on. People who would PMO at work, or in a public place. As an addict you thought it was normal. Now that you are rebooting you feel disgusted. I would say that is normal. Don't beat yourself up, instead remember how you feel now looking back and be determined to never go back to that twisted state of mind.
Thank you everyone for being so supportive, I've been very depressed today, but you taking the time to reply and the things you've said means a lot to me, and I feel a little better already. By "lying next to" I meant that our bodies touched, I'm not sure what the correct expression is but feel free to let me know and at least I didn't finish but it's still really sick. The addiction made me sick as fuck and I will never go back to that state.
U weren't in a normal state so it wasnt really ur fault, when we don't control our desires we do really silly things. Use past to progress and learn from ur mistakes, not to regress and cry on what u did. We were all like u, it began slowly and grew little by little, thats how the devil does and the addiction works. If at the beginning u were confronted to what u watched at the end, u wd be disgusted. One little tip for ur future, don't tell to anyone u know irl what u did, it was God's will to keep it hidden, repent to Him and be grateful, and feeling guilty is a sign that ur heart is still alive!
Thank you. No ofc I won't tell anyone about this. So you're saying I should just accept that the addiction made me do twisted things and move on?
Yes, and sex and drugs and food..he was an all inclusive addiction. What made the book great was he let you into his head. How fucked he was..how he got clean..his struggles with his demons..and why you have to accept your past to move forward.He also walks you through the 12 steps..something you can do on your own if you have to..they really work..and reading all types of psych books( and being a health prof myself) I totally see, agree and understand that it’s one of the best approaches. Not the only one..but a good one. I read many books on addiction..his really was one of the best.