I barely consider this a success compared to the mighty achievements of those who have stayed quit for months or years, but I am proud to have passed the milestone that allows me to post my modest 'success story'. There is a kind of positive energy on these forums which, even more than the excellent, compassionate advice and shared experiences, has made it very easy for me to change from 30 years on and off of compulsive porn use several times a week - to the point where I had more or less given up trying to stop it - to being free from porn, masturbation and sexual fantasy for 30 days. I must qualify my statement about sexual fantasy. I cannot see how it is possible to prevent unconscious thoughts arising short of becoming a saint or a Buddha. When I say abstinence from sexual fantasy, I mean that as soon as I become aware of those thoughts, I move my attention away from them, back to my physical senses, rather than indulging in them. With that qualification, I am convinced that abstinence from sexual fantasy is a vital key to really being free from porn and the desire for porn. Sexual fantasy maintains the energy of unfulfilled desire that drives the porn-seeking engine. When I indulged in sexual fantasy, I was in effect saying to myself simultaneously 'I want it but I don't have it' and 'I have it in the form of an illusion'. As a Buddhist practitioner, renouncing the inner voice that says 'I want this' or 'I don't want that' is a keystone of my practice. Freeing myself from the profoundly destructive actions of watching porn and masturbating has led me to a deeper level of practice. I am now facing up to the long-running psychological problems of my whole life. I have faced the hell within myself and returned to the world stronger. At times I feel suffused with energy. I can see the beauty of the world around me. I know that many people here have much deeper addictions and have had much more traumatic experiences than me. However, I have observed that those who make the effort to renounce their selfish attachments (whether within the framework of a particular religious tradition or not) are more successful than those who try to deal with only the problem of porn and don't begin to transform their entire psychology. It's hard to understand this until you take the first steps on the path, but it quickly becomes absolutely clear, real and indubitable.
We have a very similar story. Congrats to you and your efforts. The main comment I wanted to make here is this: your practice will deepen because your attention and your ability to “bring it back” will strengthen. To paraphrase a line I have read and re-read a few hundred times is that even the briefest moments of insight presupposes a mind that is calm, quiet, and free from the effects of immoral thoughts and actions. I have found this to be quite true. As you know, what you think you understand based on intellectual investigations is not the same as the lasting impression of a experiential realization. Be well man.
Thanks, that's very encouraging. Your paraphrase reminds me of the Diamond Sutra. Those moments of coming back to myself make it worthwhile. A small step on the path can still be a big change for an ordinary person.
Well done indeed, 30 days is no small feat. For me personally the first 30 days was a tough milestone to reach. On the subject of sexual fantasies, I dont think its possible to rid ourself complety of them. They are pretty much hard wired into are very beings as males. What we can do though is avoid entertaing and indulging in these fantasies for too long. Dwelling on fantasies only leads to one thing... its not pleasure or sexual fulfillment. its a repalse. Accepting these thoughts as part of our nature as a man and letting them pass through the mind just as the breeze moves through the trees is a vital mastery of NoFap. It seems you have worked that out already. I wish you luck on your journey
How did you avoid fantasy and sex thoughts bro . Pls tell me any ways or ideas and tricks u aply to avoid them . I will be very grateful to you
I agree. I can't see how it's possible to stop them arising. But there's a point where we either choose to continue wallowing in the fantasy or choose to leave it.
It's connected to my Buddhist practice of mindfulness. The ultimate aim is to be aware of all the physical senses all the time, so as not to be distracted by any kind of thoughts. Of course I'm nowhere near that level! Sexual thoughts are just a particularly powerful example of distracting thoughts. I don't know if it's possible to stop them arising completely, but it is definitely possible for me to get away from them when I notice that they have arisen. So, when I notice that I have lapsed into a sexual thought, I come back to observe my body and the world around me using all my senses, and concentrate on whatever action I am doing. It helps to realise that the desire is an illusion, simply an attachment to a mental image of a desired object, not something real. I hope that's helpful. Please let me know how it goes.
I am struggling with these thoughts, my mind is constantly thinking about i have no control . Mayb its doapmine addict and taking its dopamine food by producing thse thoughts.
I know how that feels. My thoughts are sometimes like an ocean storm that crashes over me. You can't control the thoughts, nobody can, but you can move the focus of your attention to your body and your physical senses so you come back to yourself in the present moment. It may only be for a moment at first but it will gradually get better. An easy opportunity to try it is when you're walking from one place to another. Notice what you can see around you, listen to the sounds around you, feel your feet on the ground.
I am having now a stuck thought about getting a bj from someone i know . Idk hoe to get over it pls advise bro its very miserable
Thank you for sharing, mate. I completely agree with your observation 'abstinence from sexual fantasy is a vital key to really being free from porn'. I came to the same thought on my own. That is what I call killing addiction in its root. (Of course, the real root for me is that I am unable to fight my own emotions like normal people do, with help of family or friends) Anyway, thank you so much for sharing, this is helping a lot. Keep going now, I wish you good luck!
Exactly. I think that's why so many people end up relapsing over and over again. They're dealing with the result, not the cause.
You can't stop the thoughts. You have to learnt to ignore them and they will fade awawy. Have you tried observing with your senses? For example, when you're walking? Pay attention to what you can see, hear, smell and feel in the world around you. That will bring your attention away from the cycle of thoughts. If the thoughts come back, just bring yourself back to your senses again. Please try it and let me know what happens.
This sounds very familiar to compulsive traits of bpd or BP....a lot of "grounding techniques ". For myself it would be not self harming, i.e. cutting. Diagnosed with bpd, they aligned with sexual acting out. Even thought to me wasn't extravagant or out there. In any case I stopped. Now that I'm married to a p addict, my biggest concern would be mindfulness for sure. It's why he can't dump video games. Why he gets angry after his playing/playing black opps desert...because it doesn't distract enough from what he wants it to. He still thinks everyone on these forums are crazy and sick. If he looks, he just might become convicted with the weight of his own issues? Idk... Thank you for honesty. I think this happens so much more from single ppl than married or agreement anchored couples. I wish so many more single virgins were prepared for how the world has raped and mangled the mind of the man they are pursuing. It's so not fair, but this post gives me hope that more men are waking up. In Jesus name of course for me. Amen.
Thank you for the great post and i definitely agree with you that we all have to stop fantasising about p since that leads to a one way road of a relapse. Do you meditate , if so do you think that helps you control your thoughts much better when sexual thoughts randomly come to your mind?
I have tried meditation and it works but I have not been using it very much. A trick that I did learn from someone with much more meditation experience is this: when the fantasy or urge comes into your head, push it away by focusing on your physical senses - smell the air, feel the ground with your feet, experience the temperature (is it warm, hot cold), etc. Basically by focusing on the external physical environment you shut down the internal dialogue/fantasy/urge. Sometimes you only need to do this once. Other times you may need to do more. I found doing some pushups helps when the urges are really strong. Just remember to focus on something other than your thoughts - your breathing, how your muscles are feeling, etc. let me know if this helps.