Day 18 it doesn't even feel like 18 days have passed. It's been a week since i've posted and ill say that at day 14 my heart and my mind were racing, there was just constant negative thoughts coursing through my mind and my heart was beating a million miles a minute constantly. However the strangest thing happened, I was sitting on my couch experiencing this where the constant thoughts were racing and all were very negative, it was a battle in my mind a war that was going on and I was in the middle of a battlefield, then in my last ditch effort I decided to meditate and put full attention to my breath. I did this for 10 minutes of constant mindfulness, then poof! The thoughts were gone, well not gone, but unnoticeable to cause me stress. I didn't even realize how calm i've become until the end of the day where I was sitting at the kitchen table and I felt completely fine. I guess I was kinda right saying how porn and fapping was my way of escaping my reality and stress, because ever since I've been off porn I've felt very mindful about my self and my life and what its become. I cant say my life is a mess but it has a corner full of clutter per say, and lately its been very easy to regulate my emotions and thoughts, and even my interactions with people where before it was hard to ignore the constant banter in my mind about what they think of me and such. But now while I do still think about it, it doesnt bother me as much as it did, my HOCD as well has disappeared as if it was never there in the first place, I didn't even notice it gone until i saw that I havent thought about it in a while. It almost brought a tear to my eye realizing it, but at the same time it felt nothing like imagined it, I thought it would be this magical moment where I would just work with myself and bam! I feel straight and nothing ever changed that. But it feels more like ME, its like for the first time in a long time im working with myself like a team. Having no porn for a while really does open your eyes to whats in your life right now and how to fix it. I've said before that I would see little bursts of emotion come here and there, especially while listening to music because music was a mystery to me, I could never understand why people liked it so much and I couldn't relate to an emotional level with them about certain kinds of music due to it just sounding like random noise. Now though it's like my eyes are opening and im starting to understand, its extremely hard to explain but for the first time in my life in a long time I understand what people talk about when they hear music and feel the "vibe" of it. The little bursts of emotion last longer now and feel more like moments rather than bursts, and in all it feels like a light in a dark tunnel that whenever I follow it, feels right, as if it is an identity I have long abandoned and doing so brings me back. To explain it the best I can, its like the world and the noise in my head go away and its just me, no judgement, no hate, no anger, just pure love and joy, I dont hear the ringing in my ear in these moments, nor do I pay any attention to anyone outside of this. Maybe this is what I would call "the moment"? Where in all of the chaos and noise I still retain myself and it's just me in the crowds of people and there is no other Jorge in my head, its just Jorge that is me. The colors in these moments turn brighter and the air smells cleaner, and most of all I don't question it. In these moments I tend to catch myself doing it and come back to a stressful state of mind, but the more I see these pleasurable moments, the more perspective I get in my life on how I dont have to live this way anymore, It might have worked as a coping mechanism before, but now I see the other side of the coin. I shed some tears when I see these moments because it so god damn revitalizing like taking a drink of water when your mouth is so dry and feeling the water slide down your dry throat. It's exactly like that, refreshing.
It's wonderful that you've found something that works for you. Congratulations! You've worked so hard and suffered so much -- you deserve it.
Keep up the good work fella i know that feeling, it's like you have been given an enlightment for something that more real and you live in the present. Meditation is really helpful i do it too, everyday for 10 minutes after waking up and 10 minutes before going to sleep.
Meditation has been really helpful actually. It brings you back and makes you realize whats important.
The best thing about being 46 days abstinent is that the urge to think about sex and PMO has gone down significantly. When sexual thoughts arise, it is relatively easy to banish them by thinking of happier times and places. However, some of that may be due to my age. At 63, I am much less hormonal than I was in my 20's and than you probably feel right now. So I don't know whether my experience will translate to you. But everything I have read, from people at all different ages, indicates that the urges begin to subside significantly when you get past the 30 or 40 day milestone. The leading expert in the US onsex porn and addiction, Patrick Carnes, sets milestones for abstinence at 30 days, then 40 days, and finally 90 days, and after each milestone reports a significantly reduced chance of relapse. So hang in there, JorgeM! You're doing great and don't have long to go before you should notice a positive change.
21 Days From what I can tell the first 5 to 7 days are almost impossible when it comes down to porn, but once you break through that little barrier it gets a little easier. Now im not saying its gotten EASY but I can say that the difficulty makes the journey worth it which in turn makes it feel "easy", and as the number of days grow higher so does your hope for a good reboot. I've been very mindful over my emotions negative and positive, and noticed that a positive mindset for me tends to lead to a negative one and vice versa, its like a disagreement in my head where I cant settle with one idea and bring my self down a couple notches. Like when I would say something good about myself and then put myself down. This is definitely a confidence issue because when I think about it I dont see that typical Chad going around in his head saying how hes a loser and doesn't deserve anything. He obviously does have those sorts of thoughts from time to time but those kinds of people dont dwell on those thoughts, they see them as an idea and move on. As for me I tend to dwell on the negativity and jump to crazy proportions about myself which in turn causes me to feel down and below everyone. I always feel defeated and bullied, but when I try to remember if I've ever been bullied or harassed, I cant think of anything other than it just being myself. I bully myself and call my self these terrible things, no one ever says anything about me nor have they said anything before. It's just me listening to these crazy ideas in my head and taking them to heart. My negative thoughts tend to also cause and impulse to respond with a positive thought, and I get that in therapy you tend to do a positive reinforcement practice, but doing so can cause a slippery slope of only responding positively as an impulse towards negative thoughts. The therapy works best when you do it mindfully and breath and not as a response to negative thoughts as it can lead to you using it as a coping mechanism, like picking a scab while its trying to heal. So when I think negatively and respond to it with a positive thought, it only reinforces the idea and makes it stronger. By meditating I've found that just by sitting and listening to the idea and letting it pass is a better response to it than a positive thought. Im not good at it thats for sure but I have gotten a little better and I try to just ignore the little head goblin that spits random negativity. Like the scab its going to hurt and itch and have all sorts of sensations but if don't give in and scratch it or pick at it, it'll heal in time. With that analogy im going to try and sit with my thoughts and let the storm pass, to not give in to the sensations. My negative thoughts also have an affect on me when it comes to being in the moment, because once I get into moment, (which i've reffered before as being called moments of pure love and emotion) I bring my self out of it once I realize im there. In some way it's as if I dont ALLOW myself to feel good and happy, and i go back to thinking and being anxious. I can say that being anxious is a terrible feeling and when in such a state for a long time causes depression and feels very addictive to go back into that state, good thing our brains have a thing called neurogenesis where your brain regrows new brain cells till the day you die. So if my mind has a certain neural pathway in ideas and negativity I could make new synapses so that I could eventually be a completely different person. Itll take time, but I got alot of that.
Excellent work my friend. Keep battling and fighting these struggles! For me, I've only lasted two weeks without PMO then I relasped via a non-pornographic image of a porn star. If I had went another week, then maybe I could be here on a higher streak. Once you break past that time/weeks, it gets easier, trust me. I only relasped because I had not replaced that habit entirely with another habit that was actually meaningful. All the best my friend, we can beat this truly bad addiction.
thankyou I appreciate the response, and Ill keep reading on the forums to learn from others so that I dont fall into the traps.
25 days Three weeks have passed since I've watched porn and I've definitely seen how porn was my way of ignoring the things in my life I've deemed stressful. I see now that porn like any addiction affects your life in many ways such as, your social life, experiences worth having, and overall happiness. Living in the present is also almost non existent with too much porn and I've found that everything I've ever wanted is in the present and I should strive for that. I'm gonna say that porn in moderation in my opinion is OK, that's why I see a lot of men out there who live completely great lives even while watching porn, they have girlfriends, wives, a great job. However it would be very ignorant of me to say that these men don't have these problems with a porn addiction, where I found that there are people on the ladder from the homeless man to the entrepreneur that experience their secret problem that they all have an inner shame towards but can never fully express. I will say that for me however porn is not ok and for anyone reading this it is not a good thing as well, because they wouldn't be on this site if they think they don't have a porn addiction. Everything isn't perfect though, I still feel fear and shame and alot of negative emotions, but to be human you must experience true chaos and accept it. Jordan Peterson is a living prophet when it comes to the art of being a man, and describes his thinking very clearly saying how experiencing true chaos and facing it will make life much easier for the person. I simplified what he said but its something I hold true, because if I dont let my mind experience the chaos that goes on, then it will keep it all pent up inside and create discomfort, but facing it head on really shows how in control you are of your life. I dont see it now but I know that I have complete control over how I feel in any given situation and that I am not a fixed person that once given these sad experiences will forever be stuck being a person who feels like a loser. I have serious social problems that I am now barely seeing! Before I couldnt understand things or why people give me a hard stare when I say something, but now I understand those emotions a little more. I've read a study how anxiety and depression have a real effect on your social cues, perceiving them less often than others who dont have these conditions. I can see how this is true because anxiety is a very personal condition where the person who has it sees any interaction as a threat toward their well being, and so social cues goes out the window and survival kicks in. I look around in fear of the next person posing a threat toward me, even if the person has no intention of even hurting me in any way. In these moments thoughts come in on how this person plotted to bully me before the interaction and brought me here to expose me, or that these people all hate me, or they dont want me around and feel forced to be around me. If you read carefully you'll notice that there is a lot of "me" in that sentence, and thats exactly the point. Anxiety is entirely personal and in some cases selfish, I throw out the possibility of the other person not having a good day and take their blunt responses toward me as a personal attack at my well being. So these thoughts come in and try to negotiate to me how that blunt interaction was caused from me saying this and that to them a month ago! Then for the next hour of having a social outing I get into a mental game of who's wrong or right and any interaction with that person turns into hate toward them for causing me so much anger and discomfort, making them dislike me. Then later I question why they feel that way toward me? I've found that anxiety is just the fear of the unknown and is also a personal experience. You fear of every little thought that might pop up in the other persons head and how they perceive me. It's already stressful thinking of every thought that comes up in my head, but another persons thoughts? Im trying to accept that people will have thoughts of me, but i should have thoughts of them as well that is not tied to how they perceive me, it should be positive and negative, but not just negative. The moment has all of the answers without answers, if that makes sense. It is all just a state of being without question nor answers, it is all very emotional. I will meditate more often and try my best to fight urges. The urges havent come strong lately but Im expecting the worst and ill try to come out of the other side.
Congratulations, JorgeM, on more than 3 weeks of sobriety now! That is not a small accomplishment. And you seem to be using the time very wisely by doing a blunt self-assessment to try to identify and improve the elements of your personality that have held you back and made you susceptible to the addiction. Keep up the good work!
32 Days Its now been a month, and im guessing im starting to experience the flatline. I have little to no attraction toward women or anything for that matter, I have zero motivation to even talk to a women, although before it was like that but this time its more like a "whatever" kind of feeling rather than a " I need one" kind of thing. At the same time its kind of refreshing not constantly thinking about them sexually and seeing them as people rather than my personal high. I have no desire to watch porn either, which im pretty sure is a sign of flatline. On top of that I havent got the motivation to workout or do things like I used to. The silver lining however, is that I no longer feel to anxious about talking to people anymore, I mean it still causes a little anxiety for me but not so bad to where I can't enjoy my time with someone. My conversation seem to have a flow now, and no longer have this sad undertone to them that brings me down a rabbit hole in my head of what to say is wrong or right consistently. I also can't tell but I do see that I am alot more relaxed, I used to get angry easily and find it hard to calm myself down, someone saying a little joke about me would turn into a fuck you moment and it would cause some problems. Now however I dont really get mad, I just laugh it off and say whatever to the things that would make me pissed off. Honestly I dont want to write right now, but im pulling as much motivation as possible to try and write. Meditation is great and ill try my best in these hardtimes!
37 Days About a couple days away from a month and a half since I've masturbated, I've got to say that this is some tough shit. Right now I don't really think I've hit the flat line like I've said before, maybe that day I just wasn't feeling like myself. I say that because I'm beginning to feel like how I did when I first discovered porn, where Its all new to me, wet dreams, night time fantasies, seeing hot characters on tv become arousing. If it weren't for the quarantine I would burst like a baloon like I did for my first longest streak of a month about a year ago, where I was at the gym and saw a hot ass woman with tights on, I remember how I just couldn't focus on my damn workout and instead tried my best not to stare the whole time. So I cut the workout short and I relapsed that afternoon. So me being at home most of the time has a silver lining. However I must learn how to control these temptations even while being out, Im not saying I wont have a peak here and there but I dont want it to take over my already strong urges and then lose all ability to fight it. I've become a lot more natural at speaking with people and even other women, talking to them as people and equals. The anxious thoughts are still there but not as strong, and I do have my days where I don't feel too confident and days where I feel like a complete winner. Im gonna say something pretty controversial, and say that porn is not THAT bad for you, my dad and even my uncles tell me stories of sneaking into their dads porn stash as a kid and looking at playboy magazines or tapes that they had to be real sneaky about watching and reading. And they used to get all of the ladies at my age, from the stories I hear from others. Porn, although they watched it they still didn't have addictions like we do and had natural interactions with women. Now a days I can watch porn at a church without anyone knowing or at a convenient store, all from my cellphone and with that kind of access no wonder we all get addicted. Its like a smoker grew cigs from the palm of their hands, obviously they would grow an addiction toward something if the access to it is almost limitless. Even Porn Hub did that free premium for the quarantine to lure more people in, its crazy! I'm starting to live more in the moment and I'm trying to be a little more selfish when it comes down to thinking. All of my life my opinions of myself came down to my thoughts, which for a long time I treated as another entity in my head, like an internal bully. It would say things about me and then it would EXTERNALIZE, looking for some kind of confirmation in the idea that grew in my head, for example. "People think you're a loser" my thoughts telling my 12 year old mind. "No I'm not why would you say that?" I would respond "Look how that person is looking at you! See!" "Maybe you're right, that person does look at me a certain way" I have conversations with my thoughts which always lead to a negative conclusion from an external force. I would never rationalize by maybe thinking that the person might be having an awkward day and is looking in my direction because they are just lost in thought rather than something so personal as to say that they are completely thinking about me and how they think im a loser. So I want to think more selfishly, not to externalize my negative thoughts that I have, looking for confirmations about my thoughts. I'm pretty sure everyone has their own way of externalizing thought, just like the confident man externalizes by thinking how everyone likes him and externalizes the confirmation by looking for positive cues. However, I didn't get that side of the coin, and If I act a little more selfishly like the confident man, then I can externalize positive emotions, because my thoughts are not a separate person from me, I have total control over what I want to think about. Of course I will have core beliefs about who I am and what I like that spring from my thoughts, but I want to realize how much control I have in reality. When I read my past posts I tend to talk about my experiences in the third person as if my experiences are not done by me but rather my negative thoughts that made me make those dumb decisions and embarrassing things. The things I do are not me but they are my thoughts that make me have those kinds of experiences, and I put total blame onto MY thoughts that are only caused because of ME. There is no little critter in my head that has controls like a captain in a ship, its more like a row boat, where I control one side of the boat and I again control the other, if that makes sense. Its a hard balance where I have to understand the differences of my external confirmations and just regular banter in my head, and knowing from the bottom of my heart that my thoughts do not make me. If that were true then there wouldn't be a Elon Musk, or Bill Gates. In a way my externalization of confirming my thoughts is a selfish mentality where I constantly think about what people think of ME and what they say about ME. However everyone is in their own way selfish, even down to the kind interactions that they say they do for you, but rather for their own personal gratification, called PEACE OF MIND. The Human way of interacting is all based on Peace Of Mind, where me as a person only does things to satisfy my own thoughts. I think that people will like me if I do this or do that, maybe Ill be a likable person if I say this! You see? It's very stressful and alot of young men and women do it these days, flexing their cash and their clothes, being on instagram looking for likes, looking for peace of mind. But If I just sit back and accept that I dont have control over external forces and know that I do however have control over my self and acting selfishly seeing I like people rather than vice versa then Peace of Mind is achieved. Instead of saying I hope that person likes me, I want to say I hope I like that person. Selfish, but very reasonable when it comes to understanding myself and my limits.
It struck me when you described having conversations in your own head with what seemed like another entity. Once I understood my addiction, I personified it the same way. If I would think something triggering, that I knew I shouldn't be thinking, I would say to myself, "That's the addiction talking." I came to think of the addiction having access to and control over a portion of my brain, with my job being to control the rest of the brain to thwart his attempts to upset my sobriety. So you aren't alone in having these internal conversations.
So im thinking its a psychosomatic problem that is maybe caused by chronic masturbation. Maybe as a private life you tend to have private thoughts and ideas when alone and so masturbation can cause these thoughts to come up as another persona that then becomes your "alter ego." Your hidden thoughts that you keep away from others and display what is socially acceptable creating a detachment from what is you and your hidden addiction. Just a thought, maybe im overthinking it.
Jorge, our habit of personifying the "addiction impulse" may be more common than we think. I've been doing a lot of reading on sex addiction (of which my porn addiction is just a subset), and the literature describes sex addicts' internal conversations with their addiction as being a common phenomenon. The leading therapists, like Patrick Carnes, encourage the addict to think of his addiction as a person inside his brain because it is easier to oppose and thwart a different person than one's own thoughts.
41 days I think I found out why I've been feeling these bursts of happiness that I crave so much. I was reading this post on this website here: https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/reb...oes-withdrawal-from-porn-addiction-look-like/ and I found this quote to be of interest. "There will be moments of absolute beauty, understanding, and peace throughout initial recovery. There will also be moments of intense depression, anxiety, fear, and abandon. The key for making it through these moments is to remind yourself that all things are temporary and these emotions will pass, no matter how intense." The word moments really struck me because that is exactly how I described these situations, as moments... Then the more I read the more I understood that I feel these moments of happiness is not only because of my depression and anxiety, but because through masturbation that is all I knew on how to be happy, through the moments of pure euphoria and bliss that would come from fapping. The surge of dopamine was the only sort of happiness I've ever known in my life, and doing so in a continuous fashion really does affect your neuro-chemistry making it so that your receptors only receive a short burst of dopamine instead of a continuous one that we can consider to be happiness. The more I read forums and posts I found that happiness is much less a feeling and more of a subconscious effect where if youre happy, you know it. It doesn't have a "feeling" to it. So when I stopped masturbating and watching porn I cut off my brains supply of dopamine that nourishes it with what it considers something that is essential for my well being and happiness, so my brain craving any sort of feeling like that found it with music and talking to people instead of porn. My brain doing its normal tasks without the interference of porn is really mind boggling, where I get these moments of euphoria when I listen to music and being with friends and i see now that I have never gotten an addiction to pornography then my mind would have had room for other things and I dont know where I would be right now if that were the case. However I do know what I COULD be now that I know the truth. Maybe these moments are completely normal to a person without an addiction, but they dont point it out in the same way as we would do because they experience it consistently to the point of it being a completely normal mental task. However, for someone with and addiction, what they consider to be happiness and satisfaction could be heroin, cocaine, alcohol, even porn. Cutting off that supply leaves room for experiencing in other ways and it becomes clear when you see these euphoric moments without the ritual. So nofap isnt what saves people from their social anxiety or becoming a ladies man, it saves you from within, letting you expose your inner true self that you desperately avoid through a ritual, and cutting off the supply leaves room for you EXPERIENCE what life really is. Im not an advocate just yet though, Im still learning the ropes and trying the best I can, but now I see how much this has helped me, and I can really say that for a lot of things in my life. Ive tried many things inorder for me to feel comfortable and happy but it would always lead from where I started in the first place, now however It feels like im getting somehwere.
So its ok to consider it as another entity then? I can see it being pretty common if you live two lives basically with a porn addiction and then your other main life.
In my opinion, almost anything is "ok" if it helps you to control the addiction and live more happily. Personally, I treat my addiction like a different person who controls part of my brain and try to separate out his thoughts from mine. I think that there are two advantages to doing so. First, it is easier to identify and resist whatever the addict wants me to do. When I consider doing or saying something that I know is a bad idea, I can tell myself, "That's the addict talking, and if he wants me to do/say that, then I probably shouldn't." Second, it helps me to forgive myself for the bad things that I have done. I can blame that behavior on someone else, the addict in my head, and feel less shame over it. And coming to grips with the shame is a major element of the healing process.
