Honestly the lowest I've gone

I've gone so low. I've hurt everyone with this. I'm a liar and cheater. I used porn behind my girlfriend's back and I did everything I could to hide it from her. We had such an open and honest relationship. We had built it back up after months and months of effort. And then she found my porn I had been hiding. Almost seven months worth. I had signed up for sites and made all these secret profiles. Everything was built on lies. We were going to be getting engaged soon. We were going to get our own place soon. But then I just had to go back to it. I just had to make accounts. I just had to get back on Reddit. I thought I could say no but the voice in my head said it'd all be fine to hide. It'd all be safe behind new accounts. It never is. It always gets found. It always causes pain.

I just don't understand it. Why was this stuff created? Why does it exist? How can it? I get the gift of a cute, smart, extremely relatable girlfriend. We get along fantastically. And then this. It's not even the first time I've let porn hurt our relationship. I had done her so wrong, yet she has stayed by my side. And yet once again, we're back to square one. The cheating, the lying, the heartbreak, the sneaking and hiding.. it all has to stop. I just want to be able to say no and fix my life and pray to whoever that my relationship can be saved.

 

I am hoping the relationship is repairable. I love this girl a lot. I really do. Whether it seems crazy for me to say such a thing in a situation like this, I care about her and I love her.

I have given up on a lot of solutions we tried to implement for me but I can never hold myself accountable. I always found a way to lie and keep doing what I wanted. Each and every time ended in heartbreak. It's just insane..

It's insane to me that this stuff can exist. When you do it, you think, "wow how can anyone give this up?" But then it all comes crashing down. Everyone should give it up. It's just not healthy.

I'm looking into therapy for us and for myself to fix whatever is going on inside of me. I also have a website blocker set up to filter any bad sites I could think to add to the blacklist. If I type one in, it redirects to her Facebook messages so I can either go on that site, or I can tell her about it first.

I'm just all over the place right now. I appreciate your words and I will definitely look at groups to join and actually commit to it this time. I figure this website is step one. Time to read success stories to give me hope.

 

I looked into the detox and I think that's actually a great idea. I'm already spending today limiting my intake of things and it feels nice. Hopefully I can do a full detox routine soon enough.

 

It is time for me to go all in. You're right. It's honestly never gotten so bad, and I left it go unchecked for way too long. It makes me sick to know I could even be capable of causing it, but I also have to accept that it was me. I was the one at the helm, sailing the ship into these dark waters. I'm fighting urges bad and the tunnel is dark, but I know there's light somewhere. If I lay down, I succumb to the darkness. I succumb to porn and its influence.

I have deleted so many accounts. Ones that I knew off and ones I remembered way later. Deleted. Gone. My social media apps are uninstalled and I don't take my phone anywhere like the bathroom or into the shower. I keep it in one spot so I'm not tempted to idly spend time browsing anything.

I'm not religious by any stretch of the imagination, but I do pray that I can have that moment at the sunset with my girlfriend, shouting out how amazing it feels to be free from this curse. It is purely a curse. An abomination. Thank you for your words, I am grateful for them.