I'm scared, so thank you all for being there

Hello there!

I first discovered NoFap on reddit around 2016, a few years after I had discovered (and regularly used; for some weeks 2-3x a day) porn. Back then, I just read a lot of the posts and it helped me gain a healthier view on porn. Best streak w/o orgasming I managed to do by that time was 14 days, probably because I was just doing it for myself, without external support. But moreover, it helped me quit porn for a longer time, probably a few months, which I'm grateful for.

Fast forward to 2020 - my life has completely changed, although in the most ordinary ways. I've moved to a big city to study, joined a theatre group which immensely improved my social abilities and empathy, went through therapy and had a quite fullfilling 7-month relationship. All in all, I've somehow stumbled into a nice social circle with lots of honest and supportive people, not to mention the countless possibilities city life has to offer.

Despite all this positive change, I can't be happy or even satisfied with my life on most days. Therapy has taught me how to deal with these feelings in a more healthy and understanding way, so I don't tear myself apart over these things as badly anymore, but there's just some things that I still actively do to sabotage myself, the most influential one, without a doubt, being PMO.

I like to think that it's not as bad as it used to be because nowadays I 'only' turn to porn 2-3 times a week (in good weeks less, in bad weeks more). But my way of dealing with it is really unhealthy - the urge seemingly comes out of nowhere, but preferentially when I'm feeling lonely, when I'm returning home drunk, when I haven't slept enough in a few days, when something is stressing me out, et cetera. So it's kind of a coping mechanism, and I have little to none willpower to resist it. I give in and rationalize it very quickly, and before I know, two hours have past, I feel ashamed for the stuff I've clicked through, I missed another opportunity to do something worthwile or simply catch up on my sleep.

At the same time, since my relationship has ended almost months ago, I've been feeling like I won't be in another relationship again. While I could get myself to do online dating again when I felt ready for it, I also felt immensely scared of the prospect to become that intimate with a stranger again, so I have since stopped searching for someone again. I've never had the balls to approach someone with romantical interests outside of this clear dating context. I'm rationalizing my single-ness with thoughts like "I don't have time for a relationship", "The need for a relationship has just been perpetuated to me by society, anway", "I need to sort myself out before opening up again", et cetera. But the truth is that I just lack real and honest connections to the people around me, despite having an awesome friend group who would certainly support me opening up.

So what I want to do is to stop using porn as a distraction from the very real social issues that I'm facing - and I'm utterly scared of where it will take me. My chest is clenching as I'm typing this, just worrying about the lonely times, frustration, and rejections that I might face. But it's a process I want to go through.

Another issue is that I've really been losing my edge. I used to be really creative, writing stories and composing music. Also I could occupy myself with school/university work for at least 2 hours straight without distractions. The days on which I'm still able to do this have become scarce, and part of that is due to anxiety issues that I'm escaping by consuming porn (or similarly meaningless online content in general, for that matter). It's time to tackle that, and I'm scared of it, and I'm glad all of you are here to help. I really hope I can give back to those of you struggling themselves, and I hope to find some wonderful thoughts and discussions on here.

Thank you so much for reading!

Best wishes to all of you, PotentialJukebox

 

Hi Tony, thank you so much for the kind response! It's good to hear from someone out there who can relate. I appreciate the advice, too! I will look into 'Oak'; got introduced to meditation by the 'Headspace' app and have since been doing it unguided, which is immensely refreshing and helpful. I still struggle with making it a daily 10-20-minute habit, though. This month, I at least managed to do it on 9 times, sometimes up to 30 minutes. I love the thoughts that come up after a while, you gain such profound insights from just sitting there and deliberately not waiting for any gratification. Makes me wonder why it's often so hard to do
I'll make sure to include any English writing that I get done in my journal. I wish you all the best on your personal journey, too, and look forward to hearing more from you!

 

Oh, I'll certainly read into the book! I've wanted to pick up reading again in the evenings, anyway. Thanks for the suggestion!
I mostly speak German (mother tongue).

 

Haha, thank you! And congrats on learning some German today I also hear that German is hard to learn and I can certainly imagine, I'm just glad that my upbringing took care of that...

Is it Bengali? This seems really hard to learn for someone who grow up exclusively with Roman letters like me, although it looks really beautiful