Suffering wife seeks support as her marriage (and life) gets put back together

This is where my wife and I are. It is a hard place to be, and I know that I want her to trust me again, but only time will tell if that happens.

How has your husband been doing? Not to minimize your thoughts and feelings, but have you seen a change in him? How long has it been since he has PMO'd?

 

@Gamerwife85 , how did you know that he was fantasizing about that girl? Did he tell you about it, with all the details and such? If yes, why?

 

Wise words.

 

I see. Is knowing everything a good idea? I'm not sure about that. I mean there should be something beneficial out of this, and what I see, is that you hate him for this, resent him and feel angry, also I suppose he feels shame and guilt, and on top of all that, that girl will be transferred, causing changes in her life that she may not really like. And why? Because your husband is fantasizing about her.

Personally I never told anything like that to either of my accountability partners. All I asked them was to ask me fro time to time, how I'm doing. Or some days I told my gf that I've been struggling a bit, and then she told me that is proud of me, and I wasn't struggling anymore.
I really fail to see the point of getting into details (like thoughts, porn taste and..I dunno). Because...why? Really, why? What positive outcome can be? Because I already see the negative.

 

I didn't ask for details about what my husband looked at online because I didn't want to know. For me this didn't matter. However I did ask him if he thought so and so was attractive. I expected an honest answer. In my case my husband was not honest at all and wouldn't admit anything until I hounded him because I guess in my mind I already knew the answer. The lying was WAY more hurtful than him admitting that he found someone else attractive. Trying to hide it makes it seem way more nefarious. I agree that brutal honesty helps you move past the pain much faster which is what I kept explaining to my husband. I mean at one point we were talking about how he went to strip clubs before he met me and he was telling me he didn't find the women attractive!! Ummmm do I have stupid written on my forehead?!

 

I know people use words like trust and forgiveness, and as a christian I would like to point out that those are not the same. I can forgive someone but not trust them. Also, forgiveness is something that is given, trust is something that is earned.

Lying to someone is a good way to kill the trust in a marriage, and forgiveness is only one step on the path to rebuilding trust. I should know, I am still trying to rebuild the trust in my relationship, and I know that won't happen until my wife can forgive me for my actions. It is going to be a rough road, and I hope the love we have for each other is strong enough to hold us together on this journey...

 

I'm sorry, but I don't see how that can possibly work. He needs to take full responsibility for his own recovery, not throw that onto all of other burdens he's already placed on you. He's made you feel bad, and now -- in the name of "fixing" things -- he gets to continue to make you feel bad?

 

@Gamerwife85 Send him my way. My AP just went AWOL a few days ago anyway.

 

Thanks! Also hard mode and first try. Well...second, but first in a year or so. But this is not important, what is important that it can be done. No need to relapse, no need to "slip". Also, no need to lie, because I don't have anything to lie about. Makes everything much more simpler.

I think it's a good idea that you won't be his primary AP anymore. Probably you can help him more, in another way. I wish you both luck!