This is Bullshit

Apologies beforehand for the rant and tone.

I've been dealing with serious PMO addiction for years (PIED being the biggest issue). I've also thought of it as addiction that needed to be dealt with similar challenges to that of alcohol or gambling or whatever.
But I've realized this bullshit.

This isn't anything like those. I feel like I've been cursed with the worst possible affliction imaginable. Like some sick mythological punishment that ancient Greeks came up with. Ever thirsty but can't drink, ever hungry but cant eat, always having to push a boulder up a hill. This is what it feels like.

I just really want to blame someone for this. But I know there is nobody that should be blamed. I use to look at myself thinking I was weak or not man enough like everyone else. Again that's bullshit. I've done nothing wrong. I lusted after girls and looked at P like every other single kid my age....every single one. And the same stuff and amount that everyone else watched.

People often joke about it being a completely normal part of growing up. It's in almost every type of media, where someone will say something along the lines of its never too much. So why is this happening to me but not anyone else.

I also often read on reddit when nofap is brought up that people think this is a joke. They often say things like "Are people serious about not looking at P or Ming. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard". And I often wonder why I am not the one saying that. I should be on that side, we all should.
I wish I thought that when I hear about nofap. I wish I thought nofappers were crazy. I wish I was part of the 99.9% of people out there that I normal. But I unfortunately know the dark truth first hand.

I know people will cite that its part of a bigger problem. That I need to get fit and improve other aspects of my life so that I can fix this. That's again bullshit. Every aspect of my life besides this is completely fine other than this. I've worked my ass off to get where I am. And not to sound arrogant, but I am proud of almost that I'm ahead on every other aspect of my life besides my sex life.

Beating this isn't hard, its nearly impossible. For those that have beat it indefinitely, your either one in a thousand, or much more likely you aren't in the same addiction state as me and those similar to me. From an outsiders perceptive its a ridiculous notion. You need to abstain forever from by far the most powerful male evolutionary urge forever. Oh and were also going to place these devices that are 100% necessary to live (phone and computers are needed for things beyond entertainment) and with the push of button every one of your urges will be available to you. That's insanity.

I realize this sounds overly dramatic but I feel like I've lost the lottery of being the 1% of the 1%. I would trade places with nearly anyone in this world. Its the truth. Even the ones with more serious afflictions have ways out. This is something that is non life threatening and just lingers like a nightmare and cant be brought to light in our society.

Anyways I'm done with the rant. Needed to bitch for a bit. Whatever I did in my past life must have been truly fucking terrible and I am truly sorry whatever it was. Im just confused as hell right now.

 

Jeff - I could easily go 24 hours, I could easily go days, weeks, months. But the fucked up truth is that the amount of time it takes to see results (months+), can all be stripped away in the matter of a day. How can someone be a robot for that long. Being imperfect is part of being human. At least with other addictions it can be locked away and never brought in sight of you. But we've got heroin attached to us and a needle in our pockets at all time.

IGY - Disagree, there are definitely levels of addiction. And being further in would make it harder to beat. I am not a weak person. I have gone through my share of pain, boredom, discomfort, whatever and came out fine. But this is a whole new level where nothing even comes close to comparison. If someone who is truly afflicted PIED, headaches, etc.. and managed to break free indefinitely that they must be incredible disciplined people. But for most people that I read about its a game of streaks and they never last forever. And when 3 months positive work can be stripped with one day of negative work its a losing battle.

LT2015 - But it clearly doesnt effect others like it does us. I realize that its unhealthy. Very much so. I wouldnt believe you though if I wasn't aware of the results first hand. Its not like smoking at all. Smoking is nothing compared to this. All it does it shorten your lifespan. Who cares - we all die. It doesnt in anyway diminish your life in any other way.
I just keep asking myself what did I do differently than everyone else.

 

I realize I'm sounding overly pessimistic. But I am trying to tell you I'm not and Im just being a realist here. Let's look at this problem for what it is. Something that might not be beatable.
Will I ever stop trying? Nope, for as long as I live I will continue trying to beat this. I have gone months clean before and I know the difference between being clean and after relapse is beyond night and day. That's all the proof needed.
Everything else is irrelevant. We can cloud the problem with it being a time-waster, demoralizing to women, a sin against jesus, whatever... These are simply issues that would effect everyone the same. But this isnt our case. We have been dealt a really fucked up hand.

I have gone years and years thinking that I can beat this easy now after a relapse. Its not an option to fail. But let's look at this from a scientific stand-point. Human flesh is not nothing. We are lying to ourselves if we say that. The human male has been programmed over eons to desire it more than anything else. It's completely ingrained in our DNA. A technology has then been produced in the last 10-15 years that has a serious and damaging effect on this desire. Unfortunately for us only a handful of people are truly negatively effected by this. We happen to be those handful of people.

By telling ourselves that we just need more hope, more faith, more discipline and we can beat this is simply a lie. It doesnt help us, it hinders us with false ideas that we can beat this given the status qua.

I dont understand the science behind this and why we are effected. If I was not effected and was told this, I would laugh it off and think the notion was crazy. I am only aware of the years of results seen first hand.
I know the answer (at least for myself) is not to simply try again and beat this. I also know that I have to beat this. And Im going to continue to search for an answer.

 

Snake.
I 've heard this many times before. "Get your act together, man up, be strong, you can do this". Really? You want me to do something that 99% of the people in world cant do and then do it while having a more powerful desire because of an addiction. I'm not going to go into details about my "value". But I am not weak. Nor am I not desirable to women. I am actually pretty confident that I could attract almost any single girl out there (possibly a slight exaggeration but you get my point). My problem isnt that girls dont want me. It's purely PIED.

 

My main motivation is beating PIED. There are other negative effects that it has on my life. But right now this is the major obstacle that's holding me back.

What exactly changed for you that time you were able to quit? What shifted?

 

Phibz,

Firstly, reread what I wrote. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you are misinterpreting what Im saying. I am taking a logical approach to this. Obviously nothing is impossible, but convincing myself that I tackle this is head on by "enduring the necessary pain" is an approach that will guarantee failure. There's the famous Einstein quote where he says "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". This is such a situation.
I am not going to compare myself to you, but trust me. I am very, very well educating on this. I have read countless articles and watched countless videos.

My entire point is that you this "head on" approach is not working for me (and therefore likely for many others) because the problem is one that cannot be tackled that way.

I'm trying to respond to more to your post but there is very little you elaborate on. Please tell me why my mind and thinking is so fucked up?

 

SW. The cause is that I'm a guy. Evolution made me this way.